To want ex to pay towards childcare??

(22 Posts)
gizmo79 Thu 03-Nov-16 17:15:27

Hi, so try to make long story short. Split from ex 9 years ago, my DD is now 10. He struggled with split and struggled maintaining regular contact. For last 3 years has had zero contact with Dd. Child support has been very hit and miss, he was on JSA for a long time, also being supported by family for another long period, so never really contributed anything even when was having contact. 50:50 custody was offered but refused and he has basically been living with his mother for last 6-7 years.
Anyway, he is now working, so paying some maintenance (inaccurate due to him not informing the CMO about his accurate changed income, but better than nothing). I have suggested a slow reintroduction to seeing Dd after some phone calls etc. I have also requested that he allows my DH to have shared parental responsibility (unable to do this before as he would not communicate).
This started off an argument about me taking Dd away from ex- despite explaining repeatedly what it actually means. I also said it would be nice if he contributed towards her childcare which he never has done. He disagrees and says that is nothing to do with him.
AIBU to say that it is does have something to do with him? I had to go seriously in debt when I was a single parent as he refused to financially help with anything, and refused to care for Dd. Still paying off loans now.....
His family think I'm being incredibly unfair, but I think that they are, there has been no help from any of them, and I think splitting costs is the least that can now happen. (Oh and he is earning more than me now)

rainyinnovember Thu 03-Nov-16 17:17:04

Blimey.

Is this best for your DD?

NapQueen Thu 03-Nov-16 17:17:15

The bare minimum he should be covering is the csa payments and any childcare he requires while she is there with him.

Dad's who only pay the bare minimum are dick heads imo but sadly that's the way the law goes.

ChicRock Thu 03-Nov-16 17:18:34

Ask the CMS for a review of his payments.

Morally - yes he probably should help with childcare costs.

Legally I don't think he has to.

He would be responsible for paying any childcare costs if they were needed on the days he has your DD.

Sweets101 Thu 03-Nov-16 17:18:39

You're completely right, but I doubt he'Lloyd ever agree.
It amazes me how stupid people are willing to make themselves appear in the course of attempting to justify their poor behaviour to themselves

Allthebestnamesareused Thu 03-Nov-16 17:20:39

If he is paying maintenance (even the minimum) I am afraid there is no legal obligation for him to pay childcare.

amy85 Thu 03-Nov-16 17:47:57

I wouldn't chase him for help with childcare, as there is no legal obligation for him to contribute towards it, I would instead chase him for regular maintenance

gizmo79 Thu 03-Nov-16 17:48:47

I'm not particularly thrilled about him seeing Dd, but have had pressure from his family so am trying to do the right thing. I figured it would be nice for a gesture from him in response....

I know legally he does not have to, but surely most people would feel guilty?
I worked out that it was over £45k I have paid in childcare over the years, surely going forward, he should feel a bit of remorse that he didn't pay anything? Ah well, frustrating isn't the word.

ElspethFlashman Thu 03-Nov-16 17:51:36

Is reintroducing a bitter flake like him back into her life after 3 years in her best interest?

Headofthehive55 Thu 03-Nov-16 18:03:48

I don't think your should even think about your DH having shared parental responsibility. That should be shared between you and her father.
If you get maintenance then that is in part for childcare or anything else you deem necessary.

cloudyday99 Thu 03-Nov-16 18:13:47

I think you've rather too many arguments with him at once all getting conflated. He should be seeing DD, so get that established as best as possible without giving him the impression that it's in any way conditional on his paying more. If he's not paying the amount the CSA say he should be then get that put right.

I'd leave discussions about PR and contributing towards childcare costs until things are a bit more settled. He's more likely to agree to both once his relationship with DD is a bit more secure. And I'm practice your DP is unlikely to need PR unless DD is often his care and you're uncontactable abroad or something.

AlisonS13 Thu 03-Nov-16 20:29:32

I allowed my ex back into my children's lives (against my gut instinct) My DH convinced me by saying that my girls were both old enough and smart enough to figure out who was the constant in their life .
It was very difficult allowing him back in, he got to see the girls every other Sunday. It took him 12 months to start deferring visits and cancelling on them at short notice.
The girls then decided, at age 14 and 12 not to bother seeing him again because he couldn't be bothered with them for one day per fortnight.
He gave up.
My girls now both grown up and now don't even think of him as a father - biological only. They say any man can make a baby, takes someone special to make a dad.

Allthewaves Thu 03-Nov-16 20:39:29

Just follow up the maintenance. There is no point in asking for childcare costs if he can't even pay maintenance reliably. I very much doubt he will let your dh have parental responsibility

gizmo79 Thu 03-Nov-16 22:51:24

Regarding the parental responsibility- ex lives several hours away, won't give out his address, so to my mind it makes sense for my DH to have PR. My DH has brought Dd up since she was 3, and has been excellent, so it seems like it would be the logical thing as well as showing him (DH) some recognition. That's the way I figured anyway!
Regarding the childcare costs- just seems incredibly unfair. So now he gets to come into my Dd's life, have this money to throw around as he has no living costs(lives with mother), and we carry on struggling. Getting more and more tempted to be obstructive and see how much he actually wants to see Dd. Not helpful I know!
Thanks for the replies-guess I'm just going to have to put up with the status quo.
Oh-I did speak to the CMO who said they won't look at anything til next annual update which is in March, so unless he contacts them directly nothing will change. Grrr

Headofthehive55 Fri 04-Nov-16 05:51:17

The fact your ex DP is several hours away is a red herring as far as pr goes. You have a phone number and name? The police would find him if needed. My DH is out if the country most of the time, I don't have an address either just phone number. Would be a ridiculous reason to give someone else pr.

Creampastry Fri 04-Nov-16 07:32:59

Shared responsibility would be the last thing on my mind!

c3pu Fri 04-Nov-16 07:50:24

Who gets the tax credits, if any? Is the childcare cost declared on the tax credits?

gizmo79 Fri 04-Nov-16 08:06:28

No child tax credits as just over threshold.
I am surprised why so many people don't agree with shared PR. It doesn't take anything away from ex just means that someone else can sign consent for Dd.
I personally don't think an absent father should keep PR anyway, why should he be able to stop or make decisions for his daugter that he doesn't see or want to provide for?
Child maintenance service is useless, guess I will have to wait til next March for them to reevaluate, then ex will quit his work again, and then the cycle continues.

AyeAmarok Fri 04-Nov-16 08:11:07

Morally, yes he should be contributing to the costs of childcare. It's ridiculous that in this day of having to pay £800 per month for 1 FT place that maintenance takes no account of that, leaving the resident parent picking up the cost while the NRP works FT with none of the cost. The law needs to change.

But it probably won't, and since he can't even manage the bare minimum, I'm afraid I think you're on a hiding to nothing by asking him.

juliej75 Fri 04-Nov-16 10:19:34

Surprised that people are against your DH having PR. Sounds like a no brainer to me - crucially, it takes nothing away from the bio father (although in this case, I'd be unconcerned anyway, he doesn't sound like he has ever stepped up to his responsibilities).

If your DH has parented since DD was three, I'm not surprised you both think it would be both useful administratively and desirable from a recognition point of view.

Did you know that you can get PR through the courts, without consent of ex? I don't think it's expensive although it would involve some degree of hassle which may not be worth it.

On the contact side of things, I wouldn't be obstructive but I wouldn't be making any of the running either. Let him chase you up for (reasonable and convenient) contact and keep your role to managing expectations so your DD isn't disappointed when ex inevitably lets her down.

Terribly unfair that you've had all the struggle and financial hit, but I'd still say overall it's his loss that he wasn't in his DD's life. flowers

Mombino Fri 04-Nov-16 21:47:25

I have no practical advice or experienced opinion to offer as I'm new to parenting (DD is 6 months) but I just wanted to offer my sympathies. DD's dad has never met her and never paid a penny in maintenance. Her paternal grandparents don't even know she exists. But at least I don't have to share my sweet baby with a manchild who doesn't deserve her.

I do find it absurd that child maintenance is calculated by the non-resident parent's income. The resident parent has no choice but to pay for the child's housing, food, clothes, childcare etc whether they have the money or not, so surely it should be the same for the non-resident parent? The CMS should work out how much it costs to look after that particular child, all the costs of living, then charge the NRP half of that in my opinion, then it's up to the NRP to find the money like the resident parent has to. But it would be nearly impossible from an administrative point of view sad

HateMrTumble Fri 04-Nov-16 21:54:15

Haha, if only.. I get just over £30/week maintenance, childcare is £210. He thinks he's god for paying so much maintenance and being a good father.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now