To dump these friends

(19 Posts)
nicknamenovice Thu 03-Nov-16 09:43:08

Hi
Long time reader, first time poster! Don't really know who to talk to about this and I need some perspective please.... (bit of a read - sorry).

About 12 years ago my marriage went through a rough spot and my DH had an affair. I threw him out, he was distraught, I was distraught, the kids were distraught. We decided to try again - had counselling, made more effort etc and actually we have made a good go of it. Things aren't perfect but we learnt from it, put it behind us and moved on.
At the time I confided in one friend and my sister. I found out last week that the so called friend (who I haven't seen in a while as she moved away) had told the group of women I tend to socialise with most. Apparently, she has told them all individually over the years but it has obviously come up in conversation recently and they decided that I needed to know that they all knew.
TBH, I kind of assumed they did know but as I had never brought it up, they were considerate enough not to either. Also, I only knew a couple of them and not very well at the time of the affair and only got to know them well in the last 4 - 5 years.
It's not that they know that has upset me, it's the fact that they decided that I should know that they know, and that it's "better for everyone" that it is out in the open (about them knowing). It was done a pseudo tough love kind of a way and I was completely blindsided by it. Afterwards, one of the friends sent a message on our group chat, that was obviously not intended for the group chat saying "did you tell her we all know :-) :-) :-)"
I felt like I had been set up and that they were laughing about it.
I had some messages the next day, a couple apologising and admitting that they had overstepped the mark - one reiterating that it was best that it was all out in the open and could now be discussed.
So far, I haven't responded and have deleted numbers etc. - do I ditch them permanently? I have quite a few friends but no other groups of friends and I do like being in a group. But then again, I would never be able to trust, let alone share anything private.....
Think I have answered my own question really....

lokivonpoki Thu 03-Nov-16 09:46:45

You have answered your own question. Yes you should certainly ditch them, it was a horrendous time in your life that you have moved on from and they are discussing it as if it's a juicy bit of gossip.
did you tell her we all know smile smile smile

That's terrible. Real friends would be concerned that this had happened to you not talk about it like teenage girls.

Find another group of friends or just stick to the ones you already have

welcometowonderland Thu 03-Nov-16 09:47:53

YANBU
This is your marriage they're carelessly and casually discussing. It's not a topic that needs to be "whatsapped" about within a group of friends hmm
They need to be more respectful and mature.

AlexaTwoAtT Thu 03-Nov-16 09:48:13

Ditch them. You have answered your own question.

EssentialHummus Thu 03-Nov-16 09:50:02

Real friends would be concerned that this had happened to you not talk about it like teenage girls.

Yes!

You deserve better.

happystory Thu 03-Nov-16 09:50:15

How hurtful, hope they never find themselves in a difficult situation...

Jayfee Thu 03-Nov-16 09:51:58

Facebook grrrrr. It sounds like there is a bully in the group ( they don't disappear when they leave the school playground). I would ignore the whole thing. If there is a bully, challenging her by whatever means will be what she wants. Let it go. They are behaving like silly kids.

sonjadog Thu 03-Nov-16 09:52:07

Yeah, I would get rid. It happened a long time ago and you`ve moved on. Why would you need to know that they know now? It sounds like they are trying to create a topic for juicy gossip at your expense.

DearMrDilkington Thu 03-Nov-16 09:52:21

They sound hideous, get rid of them and don't look back!

Katy07 Thu 03-Nov-16 09:54:02

'better... out in the open'?!!
Better for them maybe because then they can grill you about it for their entertainment but how is it better for you?? You're putting the problems behind you, not asking people for help and advice now. Bunch of bitches. Just like being back at school. Ditch them.

beelover Thu 03-Nov-16 09:55:07

These people aren't your friends. They aren't treating you the way friends would if they cared anything about you, ditch them and move on. flowers

Bubblegum18 Thu 03-Nov-16 09:58:40

I don't understand why they needed to tell you they knew what was it suppose to achieve, I think they're intention were cruel and remind you something that was painful along time ago. I would ditch them

gratesnakes Thu 03-Nov-16 10:00:32

Avoid them. Sounds like an immature schoolgirl clique. The nicer ones who apologised might seek you out and leave the clique too in time. No harm in spending time with them if you enjoy their company. Maybe only confide in your sister from now on tho. You are lucky to have one.

Glamorousglitter Thu 03-Nov-16 10:00:34

How awful of them.
The way they went about it sounds like they think they were nearly entitled to know. And wtf do they need to let you know that they know. What business is it of theirs ? You obviously had decided not to tell them, why couldn't they have respected you ? And why did they all suddenly decide that you needed 'tough love' and to know they know?
Why does it need to be in the open? Do they have a right to know the ins and out of your marriage ?

I would be tempted to respond composing a measured and carefully worded response to your what's app group. I m sure someone on here will come along with a concise response.
Dear friends
I m not sure why you all feel you have the right to know my deepest confidences and marital struggles. The way you have handled the knowledge leads me to believe I was correct in not confiding in you all in the first place. My mistake was choosing XXX to confide in too as clearly she is unable to maintain discretion. My life is not fodder for your salacious gossip. Your messages were in poor taste and I hope should you find yourselves in a similar situation you will be treated kinder and with more sensitivity than you have afforded me and my family.

Jayfee Thu 03-Nov-16 10:32:13

Sadly in a group there is usually a bully leader type and followers. Some followers are weak rather than horrible. There are far more sheep than shepherds. If some of the group are people you like, I would think about that before acting. In life we have friends of the soul ,(rare gems) and friends of convenience.

SnotGoblin Thu 03-Nov-16 10:39:46

That sounds horrible. Sorry it happened to you. I'd be less interested in spending time with these women after that. 'Now we can all discuss it'... umm no.

MrsGwyn Thu 03-Nov-16 11:13:28

I don't understand what they think there is to "discuss" - your marriage is none of their business.

I'd want some distance - either tell them very openly it not of their business and see if that make the rethink their behavior to you or just stop spending time with them.

I am sorry though - can't be nice thing to have happened to you.

nicknamenovice Thu 03-Nov-16 15:12:11

Thanks very much for your comments. They mean a lot - been feeling really down about it all this week. These things shouldn't happen, let alone when you're in your 40s FFS!
I've also been thinking about the woman that told me - she said some other stuff about how I wasn't happy, had low self esteem and didn't love my husband. She has just split up with her partner and I think she is very unhappy but putting on a brave face and rather than own up to her own unhappiness she is deflecting onto me. With me out of the way, she will no doubt start on someone else. I think I'm better off out of it.
On the plus side, thinking about what she said, I realise how wrong she is about me - I'm not one for telling everyone how fantastic my life is etc unlike her, so I think she sees my silence as being unhappy.

And Gratesnakes - yes, I am very lucky to have a great sister smile
xxx

JellyBelli Thu 03-Nov-16 15:15:40

Is it just me that wonders how people like that manage to keep a gaggle of bitchy mates around at their age? confused

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