To be annoyed that 'save the date' doesn't mean wedding invite

(244 Posts)
Corialanusburt Wed 02-Nov-16 09:20:44

We received a wedding save the date card several months ago for August. The bride is a relative of dp. We therefore factored wedding in to holiday planning, though we've not booked yet. I also bought a lovely dress.

MIL has now been told that our invite won't be for the service or the reception but for the evening disco. We'd need to do an hour and a half's drive to get there.

I have no problem with receiving an evening invite, but I am annoyed at having received a save the date card which led me to plan for a full wedding.

So what is the etiquette for this? Should they have specified on the save the date card what we were invited to?

GeorgeTheThird Wed 02-Nov-16 09:21:47

I don't know, but I wouldn't be saving the bloody date just for a disco!

Corialanusburt Wed 02-Nov-16 09:23:16

We won't be either George, and not got the receipt either so won't be able to return the dress!

Missrubyring Wed 02-Nov-16 09:23:29

Careful OP she might ask you to decorate the venue wink

Corialanusburt Wed 02-Nov-16 09:24:43

I have seen that thread ruby. Luckily that won't be happening in this case.

meditrina Wed 02-Nov-16 09:26:33

An STD card is simply a way of letting people know the date of your wedding. They're fairly recent, and are marketed fairly heavily because if you stop to think about their real use, they are totally unnecessary.

You are right, if they are going to be used, they should be sent to the key people you want at the actual wedding and post-wedding celebrations ie those who you would really, really miss if they weren't there.

Those are, typically, the people you talk to anyhow which is why the cards are unnecessary and you can just tell them.

It's wrong to send them to everyone who you might invite, or who you are not intending to invite to the actual wedding.

NameChange23 Wed 02-Nov-16 09:27:20

I am with you. I know that there will be lots of people coming around to say you were unreasonable to assume you were invited to the important part of the do.

But honestly, I would not be spending any money in expensive gifts and outfits. Cheap gifts, cheap card, no travel unless you think you will really enjoy the occasion and is worth paying for hotel and childcare.

Can you return that dress and use anything you already have?

TheClacksAreDown Wed 02-Nov-16 09:28:06

Very rude. I can understand the concept of asking people to save the dates but would only do it for people that I definitely wanted there.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeG0es Wed 02-Nov-16 09:28:48

I'd never buy a dress until I'd had the invitation but holiday planning is another matter and I do tend to think "save the date" should only be for people invited to the actual wedding. Or it should be "save the date for 7pm on the 20th Aug for a party following the wedding of...". I'd plan holidays round a wedding but not just an evening party.

Mouikey Wed 02-Nov-16 09:28:58

Logic suggests that you don't send a save the date if it is for the evening bit... why keep free the whole day if they only want you for the evening!!!

I have a feeling the bride probably got a bit over excited and has sent them to everyone and will have to sort out a bit of a mess/disappointment when other evening guests find out the same!

LizardBreath Wed 02-Nov-16 09:29:10

How rude! Quite right to send save the dates for a popular holiday time, but only if it's a full day invite!

Jackie0 Wed 02-Nov-16 09:29:54

Save the date cards are for guests that will be invited to the wedding .
Etiquette fail on the part of the bride.
I would not be impressed and I wouldn't drive 90 minutes to attend a disco.

SheldonsSpot Wed 02-Nov-16 09:32:10

STD cards are a waste of money and I can't stand them actually, the Ines we've received are like a demand, not "we're hoping you can join us", more like ordering us - "don't make plans for this date".

if I received one I'd expect to be invited to the whole day and evening.

Missrubyring Wed 02-Nov-16 09:34:05

Unfortunately I don't know how to link, so I'm hoping someone else can.
Yanbu btw, an hour and a half's drive for an evening do is a bit pointless imo.

MrsJayy Wed 02-Nov-16 09:37:52

Yanbu save the date should be for all day guests not that there is anything wrong with evening invites but if you are going all day you usually need to make arrangements. I would be slightly miffed too.

VeryBitchyRestingFace Wed 02-Nov-16 09:38:42

I think that's fecking shock. Not too sure I'd be going to her disco either.

Do you like dancing, OP?? Cos if not, I'd sack off and go away for a mini- break that weekend.

tinyterrors Wed 02-Nov-16 09:39:26

I'd expect a save the date card to be for those invited to the whole thing, not just the evening.

We got a save the date for my cousin's wedding last year, when the invite came we were actually invited to the church ceremony at 11am and then the evening do at 7pm. So they expected us to travel 2+ hours away, go to the wedding and then hang about in a tiny village we'd never been to for the best part of 7 hours, oh and the dcs weren't invited. Then got the hump when we declined.

Save the date cards should be for those who you'd really want at your wedding who would then be invited for the whole thing, not for evening invites requiring overnight stay. Evening invites for anyone who has to travel and so stay overnight are a bit off anyway (no problem with evening invites for local weddings that are easy enough to go home after) but to send a save the date for an evening invite is ridiculous.

Aibohphobia Wed 02-Nov-16 09:41:25

Yes OP. It's very rude although I don't really understand the purpose of save the date stuff anyway except perhaps an informal heads-up to very close friends and family.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Wed 02-Nov-16 09:43:05

I've never actually received a save the date card, but then again I haven't been to any wedding for a few years either.

If I did receive one I would also take it to mean that my attendance was required for the whole day. Otherwise what's the point? confused

Back when I got married (the 1990's), we just sent out invitations about 3 months in advance in order to give people plenty of notice. A couple of my cousins were on holiday so didn't come, but that's completely normal when inviting a large number of people to anything surely. It must be fairly rare to get 100% acceptance/attendance?

Those people who we wouldn't have wanted to get married without (parents, siblings, grandparents, very close friends) knew the date almost as soon as we set it anyway - which was about 12 months in advance. With everyone else you just send invitations, hoping they can make it but accepting that not everyone will don't you?

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Wed 02-Nov-16 09:45:28

I also second the suggestion of booking yourself a mini-break that weekend - and wear the dress anyway grin.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Wed 02-Nov-16 09:48:35

I think STD cards to everyone is just a way of making sure your wedding will be full - people know about it so will hold the date, and then you can choose which ones of them you want to attend. I absolutely think they should make it clear which bit of the date you are saving, but I suppose then they wouldn't guarantee a full wedding - anyone not invited to the main part would probably not hold the date.

I wouldn't drive 1.5 hours for the evening do, though. And I'm sorry that they've messed you around!

ChipmunkSundays Wed 02-Nov-16 09:49:06

I had one of those. The bride and groom are lovely, but I was really disappointed when I got the invitation after the date had been in my diary for months and it was only for the evening, especially as it would have involved a long and expensive trip to the middle of nowhere in the English countryside and I had been planning to completely alter my plans for a trip abroad in order to accommodate going to their wedding. Nice though they are, I really wasn´t going to do all that just for an evening party! I don´t think they meant badly at all, but it was very poorly thought-through. I ended up declining the invitation and rapidly altering plans so that I could go on the foreign holiday after all.

2kids2dogsnosense Wed 02-Nov-16 09:50:04

I wonder what transpired with that other "save the date - we don't like you enough to invite you to our wedding, but we want you to decorate the hall so make sure you are here by x o'clock because we want it a perfect magical fairytale grotto for all of the people we really care about to get bladdered in" thread?

I wouldn't go Coriolanus - cheeky buggers!

TheFreaksShallInheritTheEarth Wed 02-Nov-16 09:51:54

I don't understand STD cards. I'm pretty sure they're a new invention. Why not just send the appropriate invitation?
Like a poster above, I can see the point of them only for close friends family whose presence is vital, not evening guests.
If I received one I'd assume it was for the whole wedding.
YANBU

NapQueen Wed 02-Nov-16 09:53:58

You've bought a dress now for next August.?

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