To have torn DP a new one after his comment towards me?

(182 Posts)
BigEmpty Tue 01-Nov-16 10:32:08

When dp and I first met he was working 16 hours a week cleaning. He had no motivation and no confidence and when we talked about his minimal working hours he stated "he didn't feel like he could manage working more than that as he likes to do his shopping mid week" etc!!

When we talked about moving in together I told him his working ethic was an obstacle. I would not feel comfortable working 40 hours a week whilst he is just doing 16 with no valid reason. So he started looking for full time work.

I showed support throughout, he once came downstairs in a pair of scruffy jeans and a dragon t-shirt for an interview so I went with him to shop and helped him choose a good smart outfit. He got the job. He was delighted and went on and in about how great it was that he would have more money etc. He then started getting quite into the prospect of bettering himself so I sat with him and we went through college courses he could maybe do etc.

He thrived in the job and then a few months later he came to me and said "they've mentioned putting me on a training scheme which would see me get a promotion within a year!". I was delighted for him and bigged it up. He then went on about how the hours would change etc - I continued to be enthusiastic and encouraging - he then said "yeah, basically I need to do whatever I can to improve my career and if that interrupts your plans then that's just tough I'm afraid". 😲😲😲

Naturally this little snippet came out of nowhere! I said "what do you mean by that??" And he said "see I knew you'd be upset but I can't always do what's best for you, you're not the queen or anything are you". I said I wasn't upset at all about the change in shift patterns but I was livid at the way he'd just spoken to me considering I have only ever shown support for him. He said "oh, maybe I did come across a bit harsh there ... " too fucking right!

So basically I read him the riot act about how I'd spent months prepping him for interviews, helping him with clothes, helping him with college options, even taking his daughter swimming on a Saturday so she didn't miss out with his new job and to be spoken to like that for no reason?

I finished by telling him I was leaving (was at his house) and he should have a think about whether he wants to be in a relationship with someone who isn't used to being spoken to like shit. And in the meantime I'd think about how I feel about being in what often feels like a one way relationship.

He's text me constantly since saying he's sorry and can't understand what he said that was so wrong. I am fuming. Just too this isn't the only time he's suddenly come out with something nasty.

Clickclickclick Tue 01-Nov-16 10:35:20

I would have run for the hills just after reading your first paragraph tbh. He's a man child, do you really need one of those?

LittleSausageFingers Tue 01-Nov-16 10:38:18

YANBU. I was going to say that maybe he was letting his success go to his head and getting a bit silly with it, until I read your last sentence and saw he has form for this. I would be fuming too.

Ketsby Tue 01-Nov-16 10:39:25

What a fucking man-baby XD I am pissing myself at the idea of him trying to go for an interview in a dragon t-shirt.

He clearly resents the fact you had to show him how to be a big boy and now, like a tantrumming 5 year old, he feels it's appropriate to shout about how he can go pee-pee all by hisself and isn't going to hold your hand crossing the roads anymore. Maybe he's been reading those alpha-male forums and quoting little quips about 'no lady being the boss o' me!'

Advise him if he feels you are such an obstacle you will be leaving him to chase his dreams alone.

JellyBelli Tue 01-Nov-16 10:39:46

He's a cunt, run like the fucking wind.

'he's sorry and can't understand what he said that was so wrong.'
What he did was he deliberately engineered your reaction so he could make this comment;
"see I knew you'd be upset but I can't always do what's best for you, you're not the queen or anything are you'.

AGruffaloCrumble Tue 01-Nov-16 10:40:03

He's an overgrown child. Run for the hills, don't put your life on hold for this man.

user1471434605 Tue 01-Nov-16 10:41:49

Sorry, he sounds like a knob. He shouldn't need someone to come along and tell him, an adult with a child to support, that he needs to be working longer hours (unless he had sole custody) or to tell him how to dress for a bloody interview! And the minute he gets a bit of confidence, he sneers at you and belittles you?! Run, very fast!

hellsbellsmelons Tue 01-Nov-16 10:43:30

How long have you been together?
Does he actually do anything for you?
Literally, just for you?
To thank you or make you feel special, ever...???
Sounds very one way from here.
What do you get from the relationship now?

BigEmpty Tue 01-Nov-16 10:44:37

Thanks guys, I was wondering if I was a bit harsh but honestly I feel like I've held his hand throughout the past 6 months, I even helped him get his (many!) debts in order to stop the bailiff knocking at his door (as he thought a good was to avoid this was to shove the letters in a drawer and deny all knowledge).

I was once sorting some stuff out to see on eBay and he held up a dress and laughed saying "ha! You'll not sell that! Would be better off in the bin!". I told him that as his fashion sense involved mythical t-shirts I'd take my chances that he was wrong!!!

MummyLikesWrapMusic Tue 01-Nov-16 10:45:09

I can understand the first part myself. It's quite easy to get into a pattern with a job, even if it's crap hours/pay. You don't realise how it's wearing you down and makes you think 'well I can't do better, might as well stick with it'. He was lucky to have you give him the well needed kick up the arse!

The rest though - well the fact he follows sorry with 'not understanding what he did wrong', means he's not sorry. Especially if you spelled it out to him. He seems to have delusions of grandeur, and needs to realise he didn't get there by himself. I'd 'take a break' from him, see how well he copes without your hand holding.

Clickclickclick Tue 01-Nov-16 10:47:17

Oh my god dump him and find a decent grown up to be with instead. Wouldn't even put up with shit like that if he looked like Idris Elba.

BigEmpty Tue 01-Nov-16 10:48:18

No he doesn't really do anything for me. Apart from cooks maybe ...

I think I'll knock it on the head. I already feel like I've invested too much of my energy into helping him sort his life out and I don't want to waste more time with someone with the social skills of a fucking toddler

CocktailQueen Tue 01-Nov-16 10:50:18

I don't want to waste more time with someone with the social skills of a fucking toddler

Sounds like a plan, OP! Good for you.

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings Tue 01-Nov-16 10:50:40

Please don't get back with him. Please!

Imagine your best friend/sister/daughter/mother/aunt described your relationship to you as her relationship....what would you tell her to do? Do that!

Ohdearducks Tue 01-Nov-16 10:50:52

Your OP reads like a mum guiding their teen son through the challenges of becoming a grown up. Cut and run OP, he's a waste of space.

Ketsby- your post made me laugh grin

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings Tue 01-Nov-16 10:51:27

Cross-post! So glad smile

You sound lovely, you can do better!

BigEmpty Tue 01-Nov-16 10:52:05

Ive messaged him and said I'll meet with him at 4pm to talk. He replied instantly with "oh good, shall I get some wine for tonight? They're on offer!".

I despair.

ImperialBlether Tue 01-Nov-16 10:52:40

His whole attitude from start to finish has been awful. He's not even an adult in the way he thinks and acts. Whatever were you attracted to?

SapphireStrange Tue 01-Nov-16 10:53:47

I don't want to waste more time with someone with the social skills of a fucking toddler

Basically what I came on to say. grin

You sound great, OP. Make sure you put your energy into someone who deserves you next. thanks brew

VimFuego101 Tue 01-Nov-16 10:53:49

YANBU. What a knob.

Ohdearducks Tue 01-Nov-16 10:54:27

Tell him no, but he might need a dummy and a blanky to feels better after your talk.

stopfuckingshoutingatme Tue 01-Nov-16 10:56:36

OP, move on, please you don't have kids, trim and get a better one
flowers

someone else can have this prince of a man

IthoughtATMwasacashpoint Tue 01-Nov-16 10:56:49

I think I'd have started running when he announced that he couldn't work more than 16 hours because he does his shopping midweek.

You're well rid of that one

BigEmpty Tue 01-Nov-16 10:57:04

When we first got together he told me he worked in banking - I believed it for ages and then found out he's a cleaner in BANKS. I told him he'd deliberately misled me with this and said he hadn't lied, he does work in a bank and then added "why, are you only interested in blokes with money?".

I let it go thinking maybe I was being presumptuous about the banking thing but then the 16 hours a week thing, the debts, the dragon t-shirts.,. If I'm honest I probably knew a while ago that he wasn't for me but saw him slowly changing and thought he might make something of himself yet

ChicRock Tue 01-Nov-16 10:58:58

Jesus Christ, what a knob. You sound more like his parent than his partner.

Once you've dumped his sorry arse it's probably worth having a good think about why you invested so much time and energy into this 'project' rather than running for the hills in the first place.

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