AIBU to spend £3k on a headstone?

(44 Posts)
carnation2531 Tue 01-Nov-16 06:26:50

Posting this from bed as I'm lying here worrying!

My mum passed away in January and I saved £1500 for her headstone from inheritance. I have now found a lovely stonemasons who do hand carved bespoke headstones but I spoke to them and they said the average price is £3-4k!! Obviously it was going to be expensive, should've thought of that before.
I do have £1500 left from my share of the inheritance, and not going to ask my sister to contribute from her share. Family telling me to ask my (quite well off) gran (maternal) who didn't contribute anything to the funeral. This would feel very awkward to me as if she wanted to contribute she would say, surely? blush
Then I have to think about VAT which the company said was on top, and the cemetery fee for the council...

Should I go through any means possible to get this headstone or AIBU and get a normal one like everyone else? Let me know if any more info needed - early morning and head all over the place!

NapQueen Tue 01-Nov-16 06:29:41

I would look to find something closer to your budget. However I know my own mum would be horrified at the idea of 3k of stone sat above her and insist we should have "got the cheapest one we could afford".

Can you ask around some other stonemasons?

NapQueen Tue 01-Nov-16 06:30:34

And how sad that your gran, your mum's mum didn't contribute to the funeral!

Sirzy Tue 01-Nov-16 06:30:58

Only you as a family can decide really - but is it really something worth getting into debt for?

Another thing to consider if if the graveyard have restrictions which may impact on if you can have it anyway. Depending what the one you are after is like some restrict size/material etc.

FenellaMaxwell Tue 01-Nov-16 06:32:06

I'm sorry for your loss. I know it's going to sound awful, but would your mum care? We lost my DF last year, and I know for example he'd have thought it was daft to spend money, particularly money we didn't have, on something fancy for him after he had gone, so we planned all his funeral and the arrangements after with that in mind and instead made a donation to the hospice who looked after him. So is a fancy headstone something your mum would have felt is important? If yes, then ask your grandmother. If not, don't do it and save the money to do something or go somewhere or get something that will remind you of what your mum meant to you.

MistresssIggi Tue 01-Nov-16 06:32:35

It doesn't have to be a bespoke headstone (whatever that means!) to look good and to show how much she meaned to you. It is going to cause problems in the family it seems so do get quotes from somewhere else. Have you looked around the cemetery at the types of stones there?

Wanderingraspberry Tue 01-Nov-16 06:35:18

You could ask your gran if she would like to make a contribution. You could also give the stonemasons your budget and ask if there's anything they could do within that.

Cel982 Tue 01-Nov-16 06:35:34

I would hate to think of my family spending more than they could afford on a headstone for my grave. I think most people would. Get something simple with the money you've already put aside for it.

blueturtle6 Tue 01-Nov-16 06:39:20

I always think the words on the stone mean more than the stone themselves.
Save some of the money to buy small plants for the grave.
Sorry for your loss

carnation2531 Tue 01-Nov-16 06:58:00

Thank you for all your replies!

I think you've confirmed what I already knew. She was an alcoholic and I didn't do enough for her 'at the end' so I have some guilt about that (I've just started counselling).
I wanted this to be the best for her because it's the last thing I can do for her IYSWIM?

All the other ones I've seen look a bit shit in comparison. The website is stone letters.com, in case anyone wants to take a look - although judging by the responses most people wouldn't get one anyway.

In response to my grandma not contributing she was a pain in the arse at the funeral in general i.e. Saying she's not getting in the funeral car because of my dad (long story but a bit selfish at the time I thought as my sister and I at the time were 20/21 respectively and I organised and paid for everything) so can't really be arsed asking her for money sad

Think I'll go back to Plan A then!

ThumbWitchesAbroad Tue 01-Nov-16 06:58:47

I'm quite horrified that your gran, your mum's mother, didn't offer to contribute in any way to her own daughter's funeral - really I am.

I think I would ask her, tbh - give her a chance to contribute - unless she and your mum didn't get on at all. But if they did, then ask her.

Otherwise, no - find a cheaper one - sadly it won't mean anything to your mum now, you're only doing it for the benefit of you who are left behind.

So sorry for your loss though thanks

SeasonalVag Tue 01-Nov-16 07:00:13

OP. I do think that these things should be dealt with by all family members not just one. Your sister should be contributing too.

However, that's an awful lot for a headstone....you dont "need" a fancy bespoke one. You just don't.

oleoleoleole Tue 01-Nov-16 07:01:31

I wouldn't spend that now. When we looked at them in the initial phases of raw grief, yes I would have spent it. I hardly visit now (6 years later) and it's not as important. I hope this helps X

Mumofttwins Tue 01-Nov-16 07:02:33

Sorry for your loss. flowers

Personally, I'd try and get one within your budget. Myself and my sibling went halves on a lovely one and it was approximately £700 each.

I'm presuming you and your Sister will be paying half each anyway.

OneInEight Tue 01-Nov-16 07:03:02

Spending less does not mean you love your Mum any less.

I know mine would far rather I spent my money on a holiday than a tombstone.

Mindtrope Tue 01-Nov-16 07:05:27

OP I am sorry for your loss.

Trying to alleviate your guilt by overspending on a headstone is not the way to wipe away your feelings though, and others may not see it the same way either.

QuestaVecchiaCasa Tue 01-Nov-16 07:11:32

Another thing about headstones is that they need quite a bit of maintenance to remain looking good. My husband is always upset when he visits his grandparents grave because it gets covered with green gunk and its hard to read what it says on it.

TrickyD Tue 01-Nov-16 07:12:10

If you ask your Gran for money for the headstone, won't she be expecting you to commit to arranging something similar for her when the time comes?

I agree with those who think headstones mean nothing to the dead, hence I want my ashes scattered.

I don't want there to be a specific place which my family feel obliged to visit or feel guilty if they don't. I am content to be part of their happy memories.

carnation2531 Tue 01-Nov-16 07:16:33

Me and my sister won't be going halves - she doesn't work and arse hole of a boyfriend stole loads of her inheritance. Can you see why I need counselling now sad

£1500 is plenty to spend on a headstone I suppose and will have to just stay within my means. I wanted something special for a special lady but you're right in that she won't know either way!

Sirzy Tue 01-Nov-16 07:19:18

Use the wording to show how special she was. It's the thought that counts not the cost

Bonkerz Tue 01-Nov-16 07:20:29

I found a headstone on eBay and contacted the seller who was a stone mason. Paid £1800 and it's huge and gorgeous.

MaynJune Tue 01-Nov-16 07:26:47

£1500 was what we spent on a headstone recently. It was made by a local firm and is just what we wanted.
Think carefully about the wording and I'm sure you'll be happy with a 'normal' headstone without stretching yourself too far financially.

lalalalyra Tue 01-Nov-16 07:31:59

Look around different companies. 3k pre vat is massively expensive. My relative is planning her own funeral and picking her own headstone at the moment and had quotes from £1200 to £5500 for the same headstone (make/colour/size/writing) so it really is worth shopping around because some places really are vastly more expensive for no apparent reason.

SpunkyMummy Tue 01-Nov-16 07:33:49

You have to do what feels right.

If the 3k headstone is the one you need/want then that's the one you should get.

I'm sorry for your loss, op.💐💐

HannahHut Tue 01-Nov-16 07:39:12

Unfortunately that's how the funeral business is - they know people feel they have to buy the stuff so prices are extortionate, head stones, coffins, even embalming (which is useless in a domestic funeral scenario as refrigerating does just a good job short term) is all at a sky high price in all of the businesses due to a lack of other options. Where else would you go?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now