To feel jealous of friends/family able to educate their kids privately

(254 Posts)
NewDay10 Mon 31-Oct-16 08:57:54

Just that really. I know IABU to feel this way. I could go back to work and pay school fees and educate my kids privately. We've chosen for me to be a SAHM. I've just been looking at Facebook and can't believe how many of my friends educate their kids at prep level privately. Also I don't know how they afford it?! E.g. One couple both are teachers (state school) but still educate their kids privately. I'm feeling bitter. IABU and need to be happy as it really is a first world problem. We have great state schools here. I also know this debate has been done so many times on MN! So sorry to the veterans!

scaryteacher Mon 31-Oct-16 09:03:47

My lad went to prep and I taught in state school. It was the only way I could get wrap around care for him so I could work, as dh was posted away with HM Forces. As ds wasn't boarding, we paid the lot. It was about £800 per month, every month, as I put the money aside each month to meet the fees bill.

Lucked Mon 31-Oct-16 09:05:48

Well I think YABU because you could afford it but you are making another choices. You think that being in the home will bring yourself and your kids the biggest benefit others work and go private. Very few can have it both ways.

As for your friends I don't think it is that uncommon, they will be making big sacrafices.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross Mon 31-Oct-16 09:07:24

But you say you've chosen to be a SAHM rather than go out to work to pay school fees. Which is an absolutely fine choice to make. But I don't understand why you are feeling bitter and jealous of others who have made different choices? If you don't like what you've chosen to do, change it! But you seem to want to have your cake and eat it too at the moment. confused

honeylulu Mon 31-Oct-16 09:09:00

Why not go back to work then if private education is your priority?

ZanyMobster Mon 31-Oct-16 09:09:58

Usually I would say YANBU but as you could actually afford it if you wanted YABU. I work nearly FT so we can send the DCs private but I couldn't really be jealous of others paying for private due to me deciding to be a SAHM. If DH and I were both working FT and we still couldn't afford it then that's totally different.

LaurieMarlow Mon 31-Oct-16 09:10:30

Well, from what you say you could afford it if you went back to work. So it's not about affordability, but what you choose to prioritise. Perhaps you need to revisit your decision and check you're 100% happy with it.

In my experience, most parents who educate privately make big sacrifices to do so. Most people don't have that kind of spare cash lying around, looking for a home.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Mon 31-Oct-16 09:10:46

You are choosing not to, so YABU.

Aibohphobia Mon 31-Oct-16 09:10:53

You're a SAHP through choice. Would your salary cover child care (if necessary) and school fees?

Many people make great sacrifices to put their children through public schools. You're being very unreasonable to feel "bitter" and to rensent them.

Strongmummy Mon 31-Oct-16 09:11:08

I'm confused. What do you want people to say? You've made a life style choice. Change it if you're not happy?!?! V odd post

Undersmile Mon 31-Oct-16 09:11:58

YABU- your choice was to stay home and not earn. Why the bitterness? Unless you're not really happy with the choice you made?

AgentProvocateur Mon 31-Oct-16 09:13:00

You are able to educate your children privately. You're choosing not to by being a SAHM.

Only1scoop Mon 31-Oct-16 09:13:07

Yabu....if it's something you really wanted to do then you'd be doing it.

tictactoad Mon 31-Oct-16 09:13:23

Prep is often considerably cheaper than senior school. Fees tend to rocket after 11 but if they want to spend their money that way it's up to them. You could do it but you choose not to. I can't see the issue.

megletthesecond Mon 31-Oct-16 09:14:41

Why not go back to work soon then? Most people can't afford it when both of them are working but you have the luxury of choice.

Some of your friends may have small mortgages that free up funds for private ed. Or grandparents who help towards the fees.

PigletWasPoohsFriend Mon 31-Oct-16 09:16:30

YABVU you have made your choice to be a SAHP, they have made theirs.

How the afford it is none of your business.

leanback Mon 31-Oct-16 09:20:47

Yabu. A lot of parents do make sacrifices so their children can be privately educated. My parents did, they both worked full time, my mum took extra work during the summer months and we didn't have family holidays abroad so myself and my brother could go to private school. I'm grateful for the privilege I was given (though I think my experience is why I'm now against private education) and understand the sacrifices my parents made. You could do more but you chose not to. There is nothing wrong with that choice, I had friends whose families were better off than mine who weren't privately educated because their families chose other priorities. Again nothing wrong with that.

BarbarianMum Mon 31-Oct-16 09:21:19

Why do you want to educate them privately? What is it exactly that you think they are missing out on?

AgathaMystery Mon 31-Oct-16 09:21:45

YAB (a bit) U. You could afford fees but you have decided not to work outside the home.

I might be a bit jealous of you... I'd love to not work 50 hrs a week but we have chosen to pay school fees so... I do everything you do as a parent & also paid employment on top. So don't be jealous of these people. They are probably working so bloody hard on top of what you do (which is also hard).

I'm guessing your children aren't school age yet anyway?

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 31-Oct-16 09:22:47

On the very personal life choices like SAHM, private vs state schools, religion etc, you have to find your own personal inner righteous smugness.

When you are genuinely comfortable with the choices you have made then you won't feel bad or threatened when faced with other people's different choices. You'll easily live and let live.

If you don't feel inner smugness about the rightness of your choices for you, then you need to reassess your choices.

bibbitybobbityyhat Mon 31-Oct-16 09:25:48

What are you even asking? I don't understand! But as you say, you need to get over yourself pretty sharpish. Be grateful for the excellent state schools near you and own your decision. Your children will not be disadvantaged in any way by going to state school. Stop being so precious.

TheProblemOfSusan Mon 31-Oct-16 09:27:28

I don't thinkg yabu to have your feelings, but I was privately educated and I think I'd rather have had a less pressured education and fewer mental health problems in later life. Don't get me wrong, there's benefits to it - but I wouldn't send my children to a private school. The benefits for me came at the cost of actually being happy and having some pretty ugly personality traits at times (which I have mostly learned to keep a lid on).

Engaged parents who value education and have the cash for fancy after school activities and nice cultural holidays will quite likely give you the same results.

Huppopapa Mon 31-Oct-16 09:28:21

Thanks for that, RunRabbit!

Today I shall mostly be striving for my own personal inner righteous smugness. grin

Meanwhile I shall wonder what it is about my daughter's state education that is so repellent to other parents that they would go to such lengths to avoid it... hmm

DamePastel Mon 31-Oct-16 09:29:36

Third Level is the final shakedown really so get your children private classes in the subjects where they need really high grades to get in to the course they want at well respected universities.

sofatrainer Mon 31-Oct-16 09:30:59

You're being a bit silly. If you're that bothered about a private education then go back to work and pay for it! It sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it, be a SAHM and still put your children in private school. Realistically, there are very few people who can afford to do that and you have to decide what's more important to you - to be a SAHM or pay for private school.

My children were all privately educated at Prep and the number of SAHM's was pretty small and that's at £10-12k per child per year. By secondary the fees around here are from £17-22k and an awful lot more parents are both working or putting their children back into good state schools and we're talking big earners here, City people, partners in law firms, partners in accountancy firms, MD's in investment banks. Private ed is crippling especially if you have more than 2 children and more people are realising, like you, that they don't want to have 2 parents working 24/7 to afford it.

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