Saying no visitors at hospital after DS' op

[DillyDingDillyDong]

I'm posting here for a bit of traffic more than anything but am 100% prepared to be told if I'm being unreasonable.

Trying not to say too much as it will most definitely out me, don't want to waffle but don't want to drip feed!

DS has had major surgery today. It's been cancelled three times before now and has been a bit of a rocky road getting here. I've recently miscarried and have a few other stresses going on.

His surgery was on his head. He is all bandaged up and groggy now but is only going to get worse. He already has black eyes and his eyes are going to swell up to the point where he probably won't be able to see for a day or two. Both my family and DH's family have members who would get very upset seeing him like this which is something that I don't want to have to deal with whilst trying to cope with everything myself. I understand that it is upsetting to see him like this so DH and I decided not to have any visitors whilst in hospital which should be until Thursday, but possibly sooner. As soon as we get home we're happy for people to come and visit. DS will be much better by then and more relaxed at home.

We told both families this and explained why in a sensitive way. I told my family, without mentioning names, that we know it will be upsetting for some and the hospital isn't the best environment for that so its fairer to just say nobody visit than a select few. DH did the same with his family. There was a bit of a grumble on both sides but we asked them to accept and respect our wishes and that was that. I should say here that when I had DS there was an issue with visitors and people thinking they could visit whenever they wanted, even twenty minutes after he was born!

So today we bump in to my sister downstairs who is waiting to see him after surgery, my mum calls to say she'll be visiting tomorrow night, mil drove to the hospital and came up on to the ward, called DH to come and buzz her in. My sister got upset when I told her that she couldn't see him after because of the ward we were on not allowing visitors. My mum said that I was being unfair and selfish for not letting her come and see him. Mil was furious that DH wouldn't let her in and has sent me a message saying she knows that he wants her there and that I need to stop being so stubborn. FIL later called to tell DH how upset mil was and how when we have grandchildren we'll understand how hard this is for them.

I have no idea what to say to these people! I've been very sensitive and nice about it and given the option of visiting at home and the reasons why that would be best for everyone but I've just been ignored. I know it's hard for them to see DS go through this and they just want to see him but I feel they're really not seeing our point of view.

I'm tired, stressed, upset, worried and already sick of hospital canteen food. I said to DH to just let them visit but he thinks we need to stand firm on this for all of our sakes. Are we doing the right thing?

[ThatStewie]

You are doing the right thing for your family. They are being utterly selfish.

[Sirzy]

How old is he? Does he want to see them? It may well be that it helps cheer him up.

Depending on their relationship with him you could also use it as a chance to nip and get some food while they sit with him.

That said I am not saying your being unreasonable and I can understand your logic. But they are probably just worried about him and want to try to help if they can.

[Wolfiefan]

How old is he? If he's old enough to decide I would let him have a say. They're missing the point. It's not about them or even you. It's about what's best for him.
Hope he gets better soon OP and I'm so sorry for your miscarriage.

[purplepandas]

Bloody hell, utterly selfish. I struggled with visitors after a very difficult hospital situation and they had to lump it. Stand firm. You have some much going on and it should be about what people can do to support your DS and you as a family, not whether they want to visit or not. Sending good wishes to your DS.

[Purplepixiedust]

You are doing the right thing. They have been asked to wait and have ignored you which isn't fair. He is your DS and it is absolutely you and your husbands call. I hope he makes a speedy recovery.

[VixenLupin]

They are being selfish. They are only thinking of themselves and not what is best for your DS, and for you as well as you don't need this stress they are causing.

[FannyFanakapan]

you are doing the right thing for your son. He doesnt need anyone but you two at the moment, No aunties, no grannies.

Tell them that the ward sister has said no visitors except immediate family (ie parents) because of infection.

When DS2 was in hospital in ICU I refused to let anyone visit. Because my husband and I were barely holding it together for ourselves, let alone being brave and having to comfort an upset granny who would make it all about her.

[QueenofLouisiana]

You are not being unreasonable. I hope your DS makes a swift recovery.

[JellyBelli]

YANBU, talk to the staff on the ward. Ask if they can 'ban the visitors for health reasons' and explain the problem.
That way it wont come back on you.

[Wifeofapostie]

Hi, hope your son is recovering from his surgery. Sorry you are having to deal with unsupportive family at a time like this. My only advice is don't engage with them until he is discharged home. I'm a nurse on a children's ward and just wanted to tell you that you can tell the staff not to let anyone but yourself and your husband in, they will fully support you in this.

[3luckystars]

Just say visitors are not allowed and stick to that. There should be no other conversations, because they don't get it, they are worried sick and just want to see him.
I know when I hear someone is ill, I feel a lot better once I have laid eyes on them, but I would never ever ever visit a person in hospital unless they asked me to, or it was ok with them.

I hope your son gets well soon, I am glad the operation is over, it must have been really stressful waiting and worrying. Wishing you all the best x

[DillyDingDillyDong]

Thank you everyone. He is one and a half. He does have a good relationship with grandparents and aunties but he doesn't even want to be cuddled by me or DH right now. He's really cranky and very annoyed that he has so many wires in him! He has only let me hold him to breastfeed and then wanted to get back on the bed.

[Paulat2112]

Stand your ground! They are being selfish!

[booellesmum]

So sorry you are having to go through all of this.
He is your baby so your rules. They had already been told what you wanted with regards to visiting so not on for them to push it.
The worst thing is trying to guilt trip you when you need to be concentrating on your family.
I hope your DS is well soon.

[JassyRadlett]

Oh my god, what selfish twats. I'm so sorry, OP. What nightmares they are being.

Honestly, this might be the time to blow your top at them. Point out that this is about your son, not them, and the hierarchy of whose needs are important goes your boy, then his parents, and only then the rest of his family. Tell them you won't be answering your phones and any unsupportive texts will be deleted without response. Later, if you want to, you can blame the stress - but I wouldn't. They need a short, sharp lesson in how dreadfully they are behaving. In fact, I'll call them for you.

Right now the universe revolves around you guys. Sod them and their self-centred nonsense.

[MrsJayy]

Bless him he won't have a clue what's going on I know his extended family will be worried but I think you should stand firm on this tell them to wait till he is home and better

[ProbablyMe]

Stand your ground. My DS has had major surgery a few times and at first I let family visit whenever they wanted. Problem was that they got very upset at seeing him post op and I ended up trying to console them when all I wanted was for them to sod off or stop feeling sorry for themselves and support DS and I when we needed it. When he had his last surgery in March I explained told everyone including my parents that I'd rather they didn't visit and also told them why. In the end they did come but they didn't spend the visit crying and being needy themselves. I'd also explained that my DS wasn't feeling friendly or sociable and not to fuss him. I was very blunt!!

[Cherrysoup]

So you told them no yet they still all drove to the hospital? Were they not told clearly enough or are they just being idiots? Why are they acting in such an entitled manner? Do they override you in other areas?

[PotatoesareDashNice]

From an infection control pov least visitors is best. I've spent many a night in hospital with DC after surgery and the least fuss is best. I've seen families arrive at visitor opening and spend the whole day as if it's a trip out. My DCs GPS have also been distressed by post op appearance of DC and kids don't need to pick up on that. I'd say visitors are OK once DC can go into the playroom. Hope you have a decent Costa and a parent bed in the hospital.

[Screamer1]

YADNBU. Wishing your DS a speedy recovery and all the best to you and DP, it sounds tough.

[MsJamieFraser]

Yes and you tell MIL when she has a child who is as ill as he is, then she will understand also.

Stand firm, yadnbu, I hope a speedy recovery for your ds, and hope that you ok as well.

My dh and ds had to go through a horrific trauma, b kind to yourself

[GinAndSonic]

He is just a baby. Their wanting to him is about making themselves feel better, not making him feel better. He's had major surgery on his head ffs. As for you'll understand when you have grand children, he's your son, you understand what it is to worry about your own flesh and blood and that's why you have made this choice! Stand firm, he doesn't need to be surrounded by people bothering him when he's feeling rough.

[dontbesillyhenry]

So angry for you such self centred arse holes making it all about them. So glad your DH is standing strong with this too

[Freezingwinter]

No visitors is fine. I Hope you are all ok!

[Gatehouse77]

Not unreasonable at all.

I'd be really pissed off that some family members thought they did not have to abide by your wishes. Totally agree with your DH. It sets a precedent - and a good one, in the long run!

Be strong! Lean on your DH (and us!).