How can I let go of this rage

(17 Posts)
flissfloss65 Thu 27-Oct-16 18:05:17

Please tell me how to get over my latest visit to my dad and step mum. They have been married 30 years. I try to get along with her but it's getting harder with each visit. Our visit before was Las November. Dad visits us alone and she makes an excuse which dad believes.

Her own children have gone no contact over the years with her every so often but if I do that I put dad in a difficult position.

It's all low level nasty cutting comments which on their own don't seem much but overall are just incredibly hurtful.

The main crux this time was I was in the bedroom and she walked up the stairs on the phone and I could hear her slagging me and my ds off. Really bitching and saying how weird we are. I think her having digs at ds (16) really made me reconsider any relationship with her. She has obviously known him all his life and he is easy going and happy to chat. I get on well with her dc (all adults with older dc).

I have considered writing to her asking what the problem is but then cba and figure she will never change.

She's really in my head space. Had couple of days away after our visit but am still internally raging. Wish I was confrontational and had confronted her on the landing!

AIBU to just give up any relationship with her?

ButEmilylovedhim Thu 27-Oct-16 18:14:30

It was my ex friend having a go at my ds and bringing him into her sick mind games which made me finally cut off contact. I put up with all sorts of crap when it was aimed at me (wrongly and no more!) but that was it! for me. I certainly wouldn't have step mother in my house anymore in your position. What if your ds hears next time. Children can be so affected by others' opinions. I feel for you, a difficult situation. Why do people have to be so hateful?

ButEmilylovedhim Thu 27-Oct-16 18:17:24

Sorry I misread. This was in her house wasn't it? D'oh. Horrible woman. You would not be unreasonable to not see her again.

Pettywoman Thu 27-Oct-16 19:07:37

If you feel you can't go nc because of your dad, you'll have to pull her up on it every single time. With that phone situation quietly go up to her and say you can hear her. Try not to lose your rag, try not to cry but if it's one or the other, cry.

Cary2012 Thu 27-Oct-16 19:12:27

I can take a lot of criticism personally, but if any one has a go at my kids, it unleashes my inner tigress.

She shouldn't be in your home criticising you or your kids,

I'd go low contact for your dad's sake and doubt I'd have her in my home again. You naturally don't want to hurt your dad but your kids come first. Every single time.

Cary2012 Thu 27-Oct-16 19:13:29

Sorry I misread too, thought it was your house.

Even so, she's crossed a line.

Arfarfanarf Thu 27-Oct-16 19:20:50

Assuming she knew where you were it's quite clear that she intended you to hear.

It is possible she is attempting to engineer you staying away.

Perhaps the best thing to do is mentally cut her off. Reduce her to an irrelevancy. You go to see your dad. Be civil to her but no more.

If she is of no importance then she perhaps wont have the power to upset you that she currently has.

She doesnt like you. She doesnt want you around. Well so what? She doesnt have to. It's not her you're there for it's your dad.

So leave her to it.

Jayfee Thu 27-Oct-16 19:24:19

Keep inviting your dad to your home. Definitely avoid step mum

mum2Bomg Thu 27-Oct-16 19:25:07

My BIL used to do this all the time. I was the only member of the family to tell him if he was upsetting me. Fast forward 16 yrs and they've gone N/C with the whole family.

I'd suggest calling her on it, every time. But you must do it immediately and directly when she upsets you.

QuiteLikely5 Thu 27-Oct-16 19:25:13

I feel your rage. Did you tell your father what she said?

Firsttimer82 Thu 27-Oct-16 19:28:08

What a witch. My Mum's DSM is like this and my Mother has dealt with her by killing her with kindness.

I certainly wouldn't have step mother in my house anymore in your position. What if your ds hears next time. Children can be so affected by others' opinions. - This is very true. I would ask DF to yours but not DSM. If DF asks why then tell him!

myownprivateidaho Thu 27-Oct-16 20:08:07

I don't think you need to pursue a relationship with her. But I'm not sure I'd do anything either.

PeachBellini123 Thu 27-Oct-16 20:27:11

Very difficult. She sounds awful. How is your relationship with your dad? Would telling him what you heard help or would it make things worse?

Rainydayspending Thu 27-Oct-16 20:32:35

Bloody awful woman. Invite your dad to yours and when (rarely) visiting him make it clear that's what you're doing (fake nicely, oh step mum, hello I thought you'd be off with your friends no time for weird old me ha ha etc).

Cherrysoup Thu 27-Oct-16 20:38:55

Confront or if you really can't do confrontation, repeat the conversation to her in drip feed form throughout the visit to make it very obvious you overheard eg 'but apparently DS and I are weird'.

Could you tell your dad what you heard? Because you could stop visiting their house and ask him to up his visits to you, although if he's anything like my dad (sheep) he will abide by her wishes and your contact will drop.

flissfloss65 Thu 27-Oct-16 21:05:08

Thanks for your thoughts, helps lots.

I think I will just go as low contact as possible and if an opportunity ever arises I will make sure she knows I heard her bitching about us. I don't want to try and work it out as I am past that now.

My dad suffered a bad case of depression a few years ago so I don't want to upset him by mentioning the situation. At his best he is unable to deal with emotions openly.

In a week or so I will have got rid of my pent up rage and will ensure I have nothing to do with her as much as possible. I just have to think of all the lovely relatives we have instead and ignore her negativity.

Jayfee Thu 27-Oct-16 21:52:10

a very thoughtful response op

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