Tell me if I am unreasonable

(18 Posts)
Summerday11 Thu 27-Oct-16 11:19:18

No holding back please !
My friend wanted to arrange a party for her husband - a weeks notice I said I would defiantly be there even if my husband was at work . The next day husbands best friend
The next day husbands best friend died unexpectedly . She asked how he was told her the truth terrible etc . It hadn't occurred to me she would expect us there this weekend at the part until some comment she made. I explained we would go for a hour or so but my husband wasn't in the mood really and I didn't want to leave him on his own ( first bereavement very close and unexpected ) she has said she is annoyed I didn't give her more notice she has only a free others going and has bought lots of food and drink - Aibu in thinking she is been a twat for expecting him to stay home and me go ?
Under such circumstances ( he's been off work I had to leave work early as he was in such a state ) would you expect people to
1) remember things like get togethers
2) expect then to still be going
3) leave there partner to come and get pissed with you ?

Summerday11 Thu 27-Oct-16 11:21:12

Sorry for spelling mistakes bit upset

PurpleWithRed Thu 27-Oct-16 11:22:23

I'm surprised she didn't ask you at the time, but

1) yes - although I would understand if someone didn't
2) no
3) no

Brankolium Thu 27-Oct-16 11:27:05

She either just doesn't realise how big this is and thinks you're making excuses, or she is being self-centred.

Either way, don't give it another moment of brain space. You've told her you won't be coming, now focus on looking after yourself and your husband. If she chooses to be annoyed then it's her own silly business.

flowers

RhodaBorrocks Thu 27-Oct-16 11:27:24

You could have given her a bit more of a heads up that your DH was in a bad way and you might not be there when she asked how he was, but generally it's NBU to assume that when someone loses someone close to them they won't be in the mood for a jolly good knees up.

Personally if I was your friend I would have assumed you wouldn't be coming anymore, unless you confirmed you still would be.

Summerday11 Thu 27-Oct-16 11:27:39

It just hasn't occurred to me it was so soon if that makes sense . We were having to contact friends make arrangements for people to stay . It just slipped my mind tbh . Our kids were / are upset . I thought she would get it having lost relatives sad

TeaPleaseLouise Thu 27-Oct-16 11:28:01

1) yes
2 & 3) actually, yes, unless they'd told me otherwise I'd expect them but not their partner. I wouldn't be offended if they'd forgotten and didn't turn up however.

TrickyD Thu 27-Oct-16 11:28:09

YANBU.
Your DH's feelings trump her disappointment. So she has 'lots of food and drink'. The drink will keep, the food bought so far in advance must be frozen. No waste there then.

Summerday11 Thu 27-Oct-16 11:31:28

Rhoda I had spoken to her saying he wasn't good - I should of mentioned the party but I just didn't think . hmmone of those times where you try to support people but feel your doing a shitty job all round . I'm just having a moan
Work are sulking I will need time of for funeral
My mother is sulking as this isn't about her
My kids are upset half term plans have changed
Friends upset I'm not going to her party
Husband devestated - feel like doing a runner

ItsJustNotRight Thu 27-Oct-16 11:31:35

Maybe she hasn't experienced a death of someone that close, until you've been in that position it's hard to understand others grief. If she has then she is being totally unreasonable but that is her issue, not yours.

Summerday11 Thu 27-Oct-16 11:33:02

As i seem to be doing a crap job with everyone . I won't obviously I will plod on as we do and eats lots of cake cake]

Brankolium Fri 28-Oct-16 14:41:31

Sounds hard Summer.

The only ones that matter at the moment are work, kids, and husband.

Can you summon a grovelling apology tone for work and explain just how important it is to your family.

Kids will be ok. Can you appeal to their sense of needing to look after Dad while he's feeling so sad? Thanking them for being so understanding about it (even if they aren't quite) might guilt them into finding an ounce of compassion?

Don't know where to start with your DH but I'm sure you are doing great.

Don't forget yourself in it all. Is there anyway to get a bit of time to yourself to breathe? Leave husband and kids watching a film and escape for an hour?

Nocabbageinmyeye Fri 28-Oct-16 15:30:33

How much food and drink did she expect you to consume?? She's annoyed she bought loads of food and drink yet only one person has dropped out and she is annoyed? confused Tell her shit happens, be grateful she isn't your dh's friend

Coconutty Fri 28-Oct-16 15:32:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chickenowner Fri 28-Oct-16 15:34:58

You're first responsibility is to your husband and children, not to your friend.

Right now your husband needs you. As far as I'm concerned you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Don't go to the party, ignore your friend if she's angry with you. She is being ridiculous if she thinks her party is more important!

CoffeeAndOranges Fri 28-Oct-16 15:42:31

I absolutely wouldn't expect you to attend or even give it a second thought. I'd probably text and say it'd be great if you wanted to still come but would totally understand if you didn't and certainly wouldn't expect your husband to come. She sounds quite self absorbed (although maybe is a bit stressed that no one is going to be at her party, but that's not your problem).

Eat the cake, take time for yourself as well as looking after everyone else and remember this too shall pass. flowers

leaveittothediva Fri 28-Oct-16 15:48:31

Ah, Fuck her. Where is her empathy, for goodness sake. If she had any manners at all, she wouldn't expect you to attend. Sorry, don't know what age your children are, but you need to get it through to them that sometimes in life you have to do things out of respect for other people's feelings, and suppress your own wants for just that purpose. Maybe you could educate your friend while you are at it. She sounds lovely, like a right narcissist. Someone has died. What's not to get.!!!

Andylion Fri 28-Oct-16 17:33:47

*My friend wanted to arrange a party for her husband - a weeks notice
...
she is annoyed I didn't give her more notice she has only a free others going *

Did she only invite you with one weeks notice? The others, too? Maybe that's why not many are going.
Also, how much notice are you expected to give when there is a sudden death?
I think she is being completely unreasonable.

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