DH DM and the NHS- piggy in the middle

[rememberpurpleronnie]

I feel like I'm in the middle of a three way war between DH, DM and the NHS! I have some health issues, and some complications of recent surgery. I had an appointment this morning and mentioned a worrying symptom. The nurse said it was nothing to do with her department, I needed to chase another department or speak to my GP. In the process of looking for a referral letter she came across a letter written a couple of weeks ago by a hospital doctor suggesting I should have a heart scan due to some evidence of a problem there. I was never told about this and there is no referral on the system. I have a few different things going on health wise at the moment and feel no one has looked at the whole picture. I am seeing my GP this afternoon. ( Note- this is not an NHS bashing post- I am in awe of the service and have previously had excellent experiences, I just seem to have slipped between various services at the moment) I have private healthcare through DH's work. I don't know if they will cover the current issues as they are a complication of a procedure they wouldn't cover as it was due to genetics. I would like to pursue the option of private referral. I spoke to DM on the phone and told her all this- her opinion is strongly- 'see someone privately, it doesn't matter what it costs'. She then said similar on the family whatsapp group when another relative asked how I was. DH responded sharply with 'there is no need to add fuel to the fire' - he seems to think DM just wants to throw money at the problem (as has been known previously) and it will just confuse the issue. DH and DM have clashed before, he is upfront and DM hates confrontation and gets upset if anyone says anything that she could interpret as rude. I feel like piggy in the middle. I don't know the best approach with regards to my health problem and I feel like the family arguing about it is only causing further stress. AIBU??

[Jinglebellsandv0dka]

I think you should have the best treatment you can, if you can afford private referral then have it.

Don't mess about with your health. It's nothing to do with your husband or mother - this is your personal health

[Pickled0nions]

Could you not go back to your DR or see a different DR on the NHS? I personally don't believe in taking charity from family unless absolutely necessary.

It does sound as though you've gotten a little bit lost in the system, go back to the start and explain what has happened to a doctor again for another referral.

[Pleasemrstweedie]

It seems to be pretty much standard for the NHS to look at symptoms in isolation instead of the bigger picture.

If you can pay and get a better service - do. Like a PP said, it's your health.

[QuiteLikely5]

Throwing money around has got nothing to do with ones health!

Do what you feel is right rather than listening to your husband taking a cheap shot at your mother

[Jinglebellsandv0dka]

picked it's not charity if you offer one of your children private health as they may have heart issues ffs!

op take your mother up on her offer. Tell your Dh to stay out of it

[rememberpurpleronnie]

Thanks for your input so far. To clarify- DM didn't directly offer cash- we can probably afford it and she knows that but I think she meant they would help out if needed. I know they would sell the clothes off their backs if it helped. Money isn't the issue either for DH- this may well be covered by insurance, he feels that what I'm hoping to achieve (someone to oversee all my issues as a whole) won't be achievable in a private context and better done on the NHS where there is more access to my records etc. I'm not sure why they clashed if it's not about money. Both trying to have their say I guess.

[Petronius16]

Hospital should have a PALS system. Get in touch and ask if they can help.

[rememberpurpleronnie]

What is that Pet? I was seen in two different large hospitals, transferred between the two in the middle of treatment, so I don't even have one hospital to direct any enquiry.

[toptoe]

Go private. Don't worry if your dh thinks differently; it's your body. If can afford it, do it. He'll whinge about your dm anyway even if you don't!

[FeliciaJollygoodfellow]

Your husband is being a tit. Literally, tit for tat over your health issue? What does 'there is no need to add fuel to the fire' even mean though?

It's not DM I would be upset with here. I'd be really fucking upset with DH.

(No idea about the actual health issues btw, but you have private health insurance so why not use it )

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

How about your family DH and DM stop discussing and arguing over your health and listen to you and what you want.

PALS - Patient Advice and Liaison Service. There will be one at the hospital. You could have a word with them and see what they suggest.

[wholettooth]

IME Private Health Insurers make everything tricky. I'd discuss it with you GP this afternoon and take his/her advice as the best way forward.

[2rebecca]

I agree the person writing the letter about the scan should have mentioned it to you. 2 weeks isn't long for a letter in the NHS though. It's usually 2-3 weeks between clinics and GPs getting a letter.
Also did the doctor saying you "should" have a heart scan say who was actually responsible for referring you for this? Were they referring you to cardiology.
A nurse in one department not wanting to get involved in symptoms outwith her department isn't unusual though. You wouldn't expect a dermatologist to sort out your bowel symptoms.
A GP appointment sounds sensible, but they may not have all the correspondence yet.
Private care is often worse than NHS care for being disjointed as at least a DGH will have notes from all the different consultants you have seen and can liaise with your GP so if you're unhappy at how disjointed things are going privately won't help that.
If you are an adult then I don't see what your mother has to do with any of this.

[sparechange]

Any reason that you aren't using the private health insurance to at least check if you are covered? It normally only takes one call to them to check

[Jinglebellsandv0dka]

But your Dh has no idea of what he says is true. I'd sod him and go and at least have an consultation and see what they say.

Your Dh reminds me of my late DGF who played down every ones serious health issues -apart from any minor ailment of his own! He didn't both to tell any of our family my DGM had three heart attacks because he classed it as 'a bit of angina'

[Petronius16]

Chaz has answered your question. BiL used them recently, admittedly different departments in the same hospital, but their job is to help patients.

[rememberpurpleronnie]

Thanks all. I've taken on board all of your responses. Just been to GP- she feels I have received disjointed care and the care i have received has been shocking (her words). I am back there tomorrow for a blood sample-she is going to read all my notes between now and then and note which referrals are missing and try to chase aspects which should be followed up. I will then decide on whether to pursue a private referral based on what I need. As a PP mentioned many of the letters haven't reached the GP yet. The lack of continuity and repeating of tests are my main reasons for being hesitant about a private appointment (e.g. Another CT scan would not be ideal as the exposure to radiation is pretty massive- I would rather a second opinion on the existing scan). DH and DM have had a discussion and are ok- they can both be difficult but ultimately they both just want the best for me.