DP angry at being dictated to.

[WindInThePussyWillows]

DP and I having a rough patch and been sleeping in separate rooms.
Tonight he came into my room after I'd got into bed and turned out the lights and he said he wanted to stay with me. I said I was really tired and only just got our twins to sleep in their cot and didn't want the tv on (as we always used to before bed) but if he wanted to come in and have a cuddle and sleep that's fine, he said he wanted to watch a few movie trailers on his phone so I said I'd rather he watched them elsewhere and then came in when he's ready for bed.
He said he would rather sleep alone and not be dictated to what he can and cannot watch.

I couldn't give a toss about him watching his movie trailers, I just wanted to get some sleep and peace

AIBU?

I thought we were making some progress and this just seems a mountain of a mole hill.

[honeysucklejasmine]

YADNBU.

[DeleteOrDecay]

YANBU, he was being an arse.

[MLGs]

YANBU.

Sounds like he was the one trying to do the dictating there. I dictate that you can't actually go to sleep in peace.

[PamplemousseRouge]

I absolutely agree with honeysuckle - you are not being unreasonable at all!! Promise. I wish i had something to add - I'm so sorry, i will come back to this thread, I promise!

[monkeywithacowface]

He's a twat

[TheNaze73]

There's got to be a back story here?

[Imissmy0ldusername]

Nope YADNBU - some people just don't understand the value of sleep. They are the utter gits who are deep sleepers. I hate all of them. In a jealous fashion. Your DP is either of the deep sleep camp, so doesn't get how much disruption is going on (hello? twins?!), or just a bit of a twat, in all honesty. No bloody empathy with you either way. Sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture. And I believe that sleep time is used as currency amongst couples with kids. Couples that empathise with each other, and can laugh about the shitness of no bloody sleep, that is.

[WindInThePussyWillows]

No backstory really.
Had a rough patch but we are new parents of twins and knackered, works stressful and money's tight - nothing unusual.

We are both meant to be making a concerted effort to really try and make things work, this just seems petty.

[edwinbear]

YANBU. Bed is for sleep, not movie watching/phone fiddling.

[WindInThePussyWillows]

0ldUsername yes! Sleep is heaven and he is the heaviest sleeper and loudest snorer ever. I've been up since 6 and was so settled in my big bed all ready to get some shut eye and I didn't want phone lights and noise

[AyeAmarok]

Sounds like he was spoiling for a fight.

Sort of testing you? Why be so desperate to watch shitty trailers and make you suffer them too?

[WindInThePussyWillows]

I think he was just excited about some new films, he's really into them - it's his 'thing' and that's fine I like that he has an interest. But we have 4 bedrooms so enough room for him to watch a different trailer in a different room without disturbing me or the babies! He hasn't slept in the same bed as me all week. I was really pleased when he came in and thought he was making an effort

[Imissmy0ldusername]

Aargh! Yep - the deep sleeping. It's a thing. They genuinely don't get it if they are twats. No bloody consideration for you. They can't see things from any perspective other than their own, and it's a huge problem, as you are made out to be the unreasonable one. As you can probably tell, I suffered a twat like this for a few years. Thankfully I didn't have DC with him. My lovely, lovely DH respects my sleep boundaries (we currently have issues with cattus interruptus - our very elderly cat lives on my bed, and gets rather disgruntled if I try to spend any ahem quality time with DH, but we just laugh about it).
It's part of life as a couple, and if your DP can't manage, especially with all the responsibilities and callings on your time that flipping twins require, then in my opinion, he's got a few problems that he needs to deal with. Bloody empathy towards you being the major one.

[WindInThePussyWillows]

0ldUsername that rings very true! Thank you and I'm glad you found someone who respects your needs too!

I'm so exhausted of all the drama that comes with arguing, I'm hoping he just wanted to be close with me and back in our bed, and was excited about some new film and wanted to share it with me and felt rejected when i just wanted sleep so got defensive? idk I'm overthinking it all now and feeling bad so no sleep for me anyway

[Imissmy0ldusername]

wind I've just seen your latest post (cross posts) - it almost sounds like he was trying to "get back to normal" with you - i.e. how things were pre-sprogs.

So perhaps he somehow needs to get the message that it's going to be a while until that happens. Like until you can net a good, what 7 hours solid sleep without being woken? Does he do his fair share of night waking with the Dtwins? Is his sleep routine out of whack too?

[WindInThePussyWillows]

DTwins haven't woken for a nightfeed since 4 weeks, they're 6 months and go from 9pm-730am, but the trade off is they hardly sleep in the day, I'm lucky if they have an hours worth of naps a day and never at the same time.
When they go down at 9 I'm in manic housework mode until about 11.30 when I'm knackered and crawling up to bed.
I'll be the one who wakes up in the morning and does morning bums and bottles, he will stir and mumble a few words until i plop a baby on him and he has no choice !

[Imissmy0ldusername]

Cross posts again - I can sort of understand him wanting to get back to how things were - but does he understand how knackered you are?

[QueenLizIII]

Either he wants your company or he doesnt.

Coming in for closeness and sitting watching movie trailers....what is the point of that.

Twat.

[Imissmy0ldusername]

Flipping heck! No wonder you're knackered. Does he get involved at all with baby or housework stuff?

[Benedikte2]

Your nbu but I expect it's a lack of emotional intelligence or imagination on your DH's part. Many men just don't have a clue -- different species

[PomBearWithAnOFRS]

Get a cleaner if you can, and if you can't, lower the house work standards while the babies are small. Get your sleep, in your own room, and tell DH to "call on you" and court you like a chivalrous lover AFTER he has watched his film, and go back to his own room afterwards. You NEED your sleep and he needs to understand that.
DH and I have slept in separate rooms for years now - we both snore like chainsaws and are big so the only way for us both to get any sleep was separate rooms.

[PotteringAlong]

Why are you doing housework? Sit down! Go to bed at 9? If they're not waking up between 9.30 and 7.30 then being completely knackered seems avoidable.

[Italiangreyhound]

YANBU. It sounds like lack of sleep and his insensitivity is very unhelpful.

Re "We are both meant to be making a concerted effort to really try and make things work, this just seems petty." It is ....BUT... can you talk together and see if there is a way forward. maybe he wants you close by and to watch whatever, could he have headphones? Maybe he feels pushed out because the twins are taking all of you and he is out of his room.

Re "He hasn't slept in the same bed as me all week. I was really pleased when he came in and thought he was making an effort" please tell him that, tell him you wanted him there, I think he may feel very 'out of it'/away from you.

It's a hard time, a busy time, an exhausting time, but also a lovely time with a new baby, and you've got two! Try and find some fun bits with your dh, make some nice memories, take some lovely photos of your man with your babies.

Money may be scarce but find the joy in little things, I remember when I came out of hospital with dd my husband made me a simple pasta meal (his staple recipe) and it was glorious. He brought me chocolates in hospital and now, almost 12 years later these are memories which stand out for me, along with him helping me to shower because I was quite 'incapacitated' after the birth.

Please do talk to your dh and try and find a nice way forward together. Could you watch those movie trailers together? Can he help with the kids and let you get some shut eye this weekend?

Hope things pick up and congratulation on your lovely twins.

[Italiangreyhound]

PS I do minimal housework and my kids are nearly 12 and 6! Please let the housework wait, enjoy your babies and find some ways to build some bridges with your dh and get him more involved in any areas you need him involved in.

holyjoe.org/poetry/hamilton.htm

Song for a Fifth Child

by Ruth Hulburt Hamilton
Mother, oh Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing and butter the bread,
Sew on a button and make up a bed.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She’s up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.
Oh, I’ve grown shiftless as Little Boy Blue
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
(Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo).
The shopping’s not done and there’s nothing for stew
And out in the yard there’s a hullabaloo
But I’m playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
Look! Aren’t her eyes the most wonderful hue?
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).

The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
For children grow up, as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.

[itlypocerka]

When they go down at 9 I'm in manic housework mode until about 11.30 when I'm knackered and crawling up to bed.

Now that needs to stop. No wonder you're teatering on the brink.

Find a different pattern. You either need to change the list of what needs doing or have someone else do it. Maximum of 20 minutes practical tasks after the babies are asleep, then an hour to rest and unwind before heading to bed at 10.30.

Yanbu to want your bed to be quiet, restful and screen free. You're not dictating what he does, just protecting your limited opportunity for sleep from being disrupted.