To think mil can't ignore us all year and then get shitty over Xmas?

(50 Posts)
user1476994074 Thu 20-Oct-16 21:22:53

I'll try and keep this brief. DH and I have been married for 2 years and over the past 2 years have been receiving fertility treatment relentlessly month after month with no success. PIL's haven't so much as sent a text to see how we're getting on. DH and I sometimes share a phone (we live in a remote location and depending where we are, we can't get signal) so I know his mum has never texted to enquire. My parents have been unbelievable and we see a lot of each other. We live an hour from PILs and 15 mins from my parents. Often it is my DH who suggests we go to theirs so he isn't dragged there iyswim.

Whenever we do see PIL's (which is rare and generally when we host them) they talk only of themselves and DH's brother and it is like we barely know each other. I don't expect to be pampered but this year has been extremely difficult and I am Just astonished that they haven't even enquired. I once raised the topic and all MIL said was that "we should go on holiday as her friend conceived on holiday" hmm not a word of sympathy when we mentioned to mil at a family wedding in the summer that I'd had an early miscarriage the week before. She did manage to harass me to drink though, despite me telling her I wasn't drinking at all currently due to ongoing treatment.

I don't want to out myself but all I'll say is that I had a life changing thing happen in my family this year and mil hasn't so much as asked about it. I found this hurtful.

Anyway fast forward and she calls DH out of the blue to ask us to spend Xmas with him. DH tells her that we'll be at my family's as my sister is hosting and my brother has just had a baby so it will be special as he's the first grandchild.

Mil got a bit shitty and said we'll just have to go on Boxing Day.

Aibu to think: it doesn't work like that? You can't ignore us all year and then expect to spend Xmas day with us??! Growing up, DH spent Christmas only with his parents and 2 brothers. She never had her mother in law or parents over or went to theirs. PILs visit other family very regularly and even traipsed 200 miles recently to see niece for the day. They regularly visit friends who they have to pass our house to reach.

Aibu to think that I don't want to deal with this every year? DH told him that we will arrive in the morning on Boxing Day and stay for 5 days and we will See them the Sunday before Christmas for a family dinner with MILs brothers and their family.

Marylou2 Thu 20-Oct-16 21:34:40

It definitely doesn't work like that OP. You are being totally reasonable. Fertility treatment is hard work and I'm so sorry about your miscarriage. You absolutely need to think about yourself and DH and not the selfish people who have given you no support during this very tough time. 😮At five days over Christmas. Please don't agree to this. If your going to a pre-Christmas family dinner couldn't you exchange gifts then? Take care of yourself OP and the very best of luck with your treatment. I was lucky after 2 cycles of IVF and a miscarriage and I have my fingers crossed for you.

stopfuckingshoutingatme Thu 20-Oct-16 21:35:15

They sound plain mean - be grateful your parents are so nice ! The phrase no contact gets bandied around a lot here - but I think if your DH is aligned it's worth considering if you ramp down contact as really u can't think of a compelling reason to have them in your life ? Your poor DH though sad

Cherrysoup Thu 20-Oct-16 21:37:12

Stay with them for 5 days? They only live an hour away! Spend one day, during the day, max, then sod off home. 5 days will kill you, I promise you. Don't get sucked into her madness.

user1476994074 Thu 20-Oct-16 21:37:49

Marylou thank you so much for your kind message. Really appreciate it. So glad to hear you were successful, it's a post long old slog and I take my hat off to those who come out of it at the other end with their sanity intact!

My parents live this with us. Even my grandad knows the ins and outs of my bloody injectables and clomid and he's 85 grin of course I want to be with them on Xmas day. I don't want to spend Xmas day 'catching up'

Marylou2 Thu 20-Oct-16 21:39:25

*you're - major cringe/grammar fail 😶

user1476994074 Thu 20-Oct-16 21:40:34

Thanks everyone. The thing is, DH and I (and we are VERY) open about things usually, never talk about how shit his parents are. Mil is a very 'butter wouldn't melt' character and I think she's always ruled the roost at home and I suspect DH is a bit wary of her although he'd never admit it. I am certain he knows that I think they've been crap as he always squirms a bit whenever I mention them. I just don't have the heart to come out with it and tell him I think they've been crap
And that actually, this year has changed me and I don't feel warm towards them because of it.

QuackDuckQuack Thu 20-Oct-16 21:42:04

Who are you spending 5 days with?

I bet your MIL tells her friends all about how close you are and doesn't want the evidence of you not spending Christmas with them to contradict her imaginary relationship with you.

user1476994074 Thu 20-Oct-16 21:44:01

Quack - I have often suspected that.

I feel that she has been somewhat passive aggressive towards me this year through a series of ways (I'd sound nuts if I listed them) but y'know sometimes you just know? I know she's resentful of how much time we spend with my family but you reap what you sow in my opinion.

user1476994074 Thu 20-Oct-16 21:44:24

I might add that I have never so much as said a rude word to them.

pastelmacaroons Thu 20-Oct-16 21:48:03

I don't want to out myself but all I'll say is that I had a life changing thing happen in my family this year and mil hasn't so much as asked about it. I found this hurtful

I have one of these - never ever asks about my measly small family ie no huge list of names to remember she couldn't give a shit. Never asks about anything at all in fact.

do exactly what you want to do op.

user1476994074 Thu 20-Oct-16 22:03:13

Pastel, eugh it's so obvious isn't it.

CookieDoughKid Thu 20-Oct-16 22:07:50

Wtf 5 days??!! You mean an afternoon right? No way. Dont set yourself up for a miserable week!! Its not too late.

Imo. Dont take it personal. Some inlaws just arent interested or too wrapped up in their own lives to give more than a passing interest! Leave them to it and just get on with your own lives.

CookieDoughKid Thu 20-Oct-16 22:09:29

Dont skirt around your dh. Hes a grown man!! He knows his parents are shit so he needs to stop normalising it!

Ohyesiam Thu 20-Oct-16 22:16:12

You don't have to tell your dh they are crap, he already knows
You are right, they will trap what they sew, you shouldn't have to put yourself out for them.

user1476994074 Thu 20-Oct-16 22:18:34

You're so right. I need to say something next time it's mentioned or I'll explode over this.

OnlyTheWelshCanCwtch Thu 20-Oct-16 22:19:20

5 days? That's at least 4.5 days too long!

OnlyTheWelshCanCwtch Thu 20-Oct-16 22:20:44

And the stress isn't going to help you at all. Good luck with the IVF, hope you have happy news soon!

ChuckBiscuits Thu 20-Oct-16 22:24:38

5 days?

Sorry, i meant 5 hours. You didnt think i really meant 5 days? >tinkly laugh<

Alibobbob Thu 20-Oct-16 22:31:16

Were you planning to stay over at your sisters? I don't think you should cut your visit short.

Whatever you do this year you will be expected to do ever year.

5 days sounds like a complete nightmare. If there is a falling out you will get the blame regardless of what happened.

Bite the bullet.

user1476994074 Thu 20-Oct-16 22:35:17

Oh god I know you're all right grin thing is, there won't be a fall out. When we're with them we will spend the time talking about them, current affairs, their new windows etc. basically the conversation won't stretch below the surface and we won't have a laugh. A fall out isn't possible under these sterile conditions! Kill me now

Nanny0gg Thu 20-Oct-16 22:45:19

So why are you going for 5 days????

PoshPenny Thu 20-Oct-16 22:48:07

Surely Boxing Day, stay the night so you can have a drink and then leave the day after is more than enough time to spend with them? 5 days? I can't think of anything worse, and no need surely when they're only an hour away. Get back to having a lovely time with your own supportive family,

user1476994074 Thu 20-Oct-16 22:49:04

I think DH was put on the spot and agreed to it. We did this last year because we spent Xmas day at my parents. I guess I end up feeling a bit guilty and I'm glad to have spent the day with my family so just do it without thinking I suppose.

Shenanagins Thu 20-Oct-16 22:49:40

Totally get where your coming from and don't think for one minute that your being unreasonable. Stick your grounds and look after yourself.

As for the holiday, you could tell her that's a great idea and your going to do just that at Christmas with your loved ones 😄

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