Think this was meant to guilt trip me?

(43 Posts)
blondieblondie Thu 20-Oct-16 14:44:19

DS stays with ex every other Saturday. Ex asked me last week if DS could stay with me on his next Saturday as he had plans. He said if not, it was fine he would find someone else to have him. I said I thought I had something on, but would get back to him. No mention of it from him since. Today I texted and asked something about it and he replied saying that when he didn't hear back from me, he changed his plans so DS can stay there as normal.

AIBU to think he didn't need to change his plans because of me and shouldn't imply that he did? It was his intention to get someone else to have DS if I couldn't do it, so why not make a back up plan or ask me again, instead of making out they had to change their plans because of me?

I know I'm probably being irrational, but it's pissed me off!

Muser54321 Thu 20-Oct-16 14:47:15

DOn't react. If he has pushed one of your buttons don't let him know it.

I try not to react to anything now. So less button-pushing and string-pulling ensues. The first five years are the hardest wink

NavyandWhite Thu 20-Oct-16 14:47:49

What's the problem though?

Pickanameanyoldname Thu 20-Oct-16 14:49:14

I think he was just stating a fact - when he did t hear back from you he changed his plans. No big deal.

He may have booked a babysitter so DS will be staying there as normal.

I think it was a bit off that you took so long to get back to him when he first asked though. Maybe that's why his comment has bugged you.

mycatstares Thu 20-Oct-16 14:49:20

No his not trying to guilt trip you.

I'd change my plans if someone didn't get back to me instead of leaving it to the last minute and changing them.

NavyandWhite Thu 20-Oct-16 14:50:50

Surely it's better that ds is with his dad and not someone else?

FlyingElbows Thu 20-Oct-16 14:53:00

So you're pissed off that your ex has changed his plans (which he ran past you first and confirmed wouldn't be a problem if you had plans) and his contact time will happen as usual? Honestly some of them get kicked in the balls either way! What's the problem. It's a bit "me, me, me". Save being passed off for when there's something to be pissed off about.

BertrandRussell Thu 20-Oct-16 14:53:47

If I asked somebody if my child could stay with them on Saturday night and they hadn't got back to me by Thursday I would make other plans. It was for you to confirm with him, not the other way round.

AmeliaJack Thu 20-Oct-16 14:55:18

I don't see a guilt trip here. You implied you couldn't take your DS and didn't confirm back so he took the responsibility for sorting out alternative plans.

Seems fair and exactly what you would expect him to do really.

blondieblondie Thu 20-Oct-16 14:58:07

My point is, that when he asked, he said his plans would be going ahead either way. DS would either be staying with me or his Gran, aunty, etc. Now ex is making out that he has changed all his plans, because I couldnt confirm my own plans any earlier (which was my weekend to make plans). That is my only issue - the fact he is now making out his plans relied solely on me getting back to him.

RebeccaWithTheGoodHair Thu 20-Oct-16 14:58:25

Unless there's more to it I'm struggling to see what he's done wrong. He seems nice, reliable and responsible from what you posted.

RebeccaWithTheGoodHair Thu 20-Oct-16 14:59:57

I guess only you know the tone of it but even with your update it still doesn't seem he's done anything wrong. In fact it's good he takes looking after your DS seriously enough to change his plans to ensure he's there for him.

milkyface Thu 20-Oct-16 15:01:23

He's not guilt tripping you.

You might feel guilty but I don't think he's trying to make you feel like that.

potentialqualms Thu 20-Oct-16 15:01:40

Od dear. From the little you've written here you sound like one of those mad exes it's impossible to get anything right for. Just imagine how it would sound if someone was telling you this story.

blondieblondie Thu 20-Oct-16 15:01:56

Tebecca, perhaps that my issue. He's usually not, he thinks nothing of sending DS elsewhere if his weekend falls on other plans. So it makes me think his plans have changed for some other reason, but it's better to make out its my fault.

AmeliaJack Thu 20-Oct-16 15:05:57

By why would you care if his plans have changed?

Not your circus not your monkeys.

He's responsible for making arrangements for his son that weekend, and he did.

Shrug anything else off.

Floralnomad Thu 20-Oct-16 15:06:49

I agree with the other posters , you said you would get back to him , you didn't and so he has changed his plans / made alternative plans I can't see the problem .

blondieblondie Thu 20-Oct-16 15:07:52

I refuse to be one of those posters who ask AIBU and when told they are, refuse to believe it, so thanks for the replies. I'll not take blow it out of proportion with him.

ive been having quite a build up of resentment about his general 11 yeas of parenting over the last few months, so I probably am being unreasonable in this instance.

blondieblondie Thu 20-Oct-16 15:10:16

Amelia. I don't care that they've changed. I care that he seemed to imply they were forced to changed because of me, when originally it was "it's fine if you can't do it, I'll get someone else to watch him". Now the plans are cancelled for that weekend seemingly because I didn't get back quick enough.

milkyface Thu 20-Oct-16 15:13:47

But he's not having a go at you about it or messaging you saying its your fault I had to change my plans or I have missed xxxxx because of you.

You're interpreting it that way because you feel guilty.

If the shoe fits and all that....

museumum Thu 20-Oct-16 15:17:15

Why do you care? He had a choice (find a babysitter or cancel his plan) and he chose to cancel.
That's his choice. You shouldn't feel guilty.
Unless he tells you that you've spoiled his plans - and even still it's your perogative to have that weekend free.

blondieblondie Thu 20-Oct-16 15:25:52

I really don't feel guilty. That wasn't my point. He said he changed his plans because he hadn't heard from me, not because he couldn't get a sitter, etc.

As far as I'm concerned, he should have made alternative arrangements much earlier (I've never refused to swap if I can) or better still made plans for one of the other 6 Fri/Sat nights he doesnt have DS.

TempusEedjit Thu 20-Oct-16 15:28:04

I'd guess that if he'd wanted to intentionally guilt trip you'd he'd have sent you a passive aggressive text along the lines of "don't worry about not getting back to me about DS, I've cancelled my plans now so it's all fine".

Instead he just quietly got on with rearranging when he realised you wouldn't be able to confirm in time and only stated that fact when you finally got back to him about it. Maybe the person(s) he usually ships DS off to were unavailable this time?

Of course he could be a controlling arse as well, we don't know him, but in this particular instance I really don't see how he could have won either way.

milkyface Thu 20-Oct-16 15:29:06

So if you don't feel guilty why are you so bothered if he was trying to gilt trip you?

Even if he was you say it hasn't worked so?

What's the issue?

He's having ds as planned, you're doing whatever you've planned? What's the prob?

milkyface Thu 20-Oct-16 15:29:13

So if you don't feel guilty why are you so bothered if he was trying to gilt trip you?

Even if he was you say it hasn't worked so?

What's the issue?

He's having ds as planned, you're doing whatever you've planned? What's the prob?

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