DS 13 and games with DD

[Mysecretgarden]

I am fed up with DS's behaviour with his sister 9.
As soon as she arrives from school he starts with :"I am going to beat you up."
Last weekend he tried to choke her for fun. Not sure how bad it was as I wasn't in the room and DD tend to over exaggerate so I am not really sure what happened. When I challenged him he said 'It was ok' as he 'only did it with one hand'.
DD can't watch a DVD in peace. He pretends to want to watch it too and then starts rough playing which invariably ends in tears. I really had enough of his rough playing which I find a bit sadistic.
he likes to pretend he is doing it as he finds it fun to make me react.
They are not with me very often so it is hard to monitor and have a followed up action plan.
AIBU, I told him his phone would be taken off if he did the choking thing again.

[Soubriquet]

Yanbu

Obviously they can't be left alone together. You need to supervise them a bit closer and make sure he knows you fab see what he is doing

[Soubriquet]

Why are they not with you very often?

[Mysecretgarden]

Soubriquet I am divorced

[potentialqualms]

Surely this is classic attention seeking. For whatever reason, they don't see you very often. Can't you give him the attention he's craving so he's not left supervising/entertaining/tormenting his sister

Fwiw with my two at that age, I'd often hear sounds of ww3 but if I went in to break things up (rather than yelling from another room) I'd invariably find they were in it together and doing it to wind me up - no-one was actually being hurt

[Soubriquet]

Sorry, didn't mean to be nosy there.

[thisgirlrides]

Sorry to hear you (& dd) are having such a tough time. I must say I find your description of ds's behaviour really quite worrying especially given his age & presumably his increasing size & strength vs his sister. Has anything changed recently or has he always been like this with her? Was your ex abusive ? Just trying to make sense of what might have triggered or exacerbated the problem.

Tbh, I would be looking for some professional support and advice before something more serious happens.

[Mysecretgarden]

He seems to think that because he is a boy that's what he wants to do.

[Soubriquet]

Well he needs to learn that as a boy he can't throw his weight around either or it will have nasty consequences

[Dontpanicpyke]

Nope awful behaviour. Do they live with your ex? What does he think? Your dd is a bully.

[Dontpanicpyke]

Ds sorry

[titchy]

Do they live with their father? I'd be concerned about where he's getting the idea that throttling girls is something boys do tbh...

Apologies if that's totally wrong.

[Mysecretgarden]

Dontpanicpyke I agree I find his behaviour bullish. I am feeling completely lacking any strategies to stop it

[Bettydownthehall]

impliment a no touching rule. If he touches his sister he looses his phone for the day. If he does it again he needs a hour time out.

Really harsh rules but once you get wrapped up in deciding whether he has hurt her or not you are giving him attention and feeding into the behaviour.

Take a no nonsense, boring stance on it.

Once he realises it is not worth even touching his sister as he will loose privileges and attention.

[Mysecretgarden]

titchy he might have seen something on the internet or had a talk with some of his friends at school

[BrianMolkoismyPlacebo]

Have you had a chat with his other parent about his behaviour when he's with them?

[9troubledwaters]

Sounds like he needs to get some aggression out & is taking it out on his sister. Ds 11 still play fights alot with me & his sister & sometimes goes too far. I have to play arm wrestling most nights! Sign him up to a running club or something, knacker him out

[9troubledwaters]

Obviously choking is serious & id come down hard on him for hurting anyone

[Dragongirl10]

Op l find that really worrying.

I agree with BETTY no touching rule.

Forget trying to find reasons...stop it now sharply. Totally unaceptable.

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

Your poor little DD. This is not okay at all. My DS had never hurt either of his little sisters. I would say you need to come down hard on this. The suggestion of a no touching rule is a good one. You need your ex on board as well.

[Dontpanicpyke]

Yes agree with Betty as a start. Is there more info you could share op?

[Dontpanicpyke]

Sure you don't need people telling you how outlandish this is as you know it but In case you need validation or are sharing this thread with your ex my dss are 10 years older than my dds and never in s million years would they act like this.

addressing it is a great step op x

[WhoKnewSeamus]

I'd find the choking extremely disturbing, it's a real red flag in terms of DV.
I think this needs a lot more than having his phone confiscated, right now neither child is being safeguarded.

[WhoKnewSeamus]

Once he realises it is not worth even touching his sister as he will loose privileges and attention.

He needs to know you don't touch anyone without their consent!
Agree with Betty that whether DD is injured is besides the point.

[Dontpanicpyke]

Totally agree this is way beyond phone confiscation but no touching rule is a start if he cooperates of course.

The ops first duty of care is to her dd of course.

[LadyStoic]

This is way way past normal sibling squabble type behaviour OP

Has it maybe slowly escalated and become so normal to you that maybe you're not seeing the bigger issues in what you describe? I don't mean that in any way rudely or patronisingly, but the situation/s are so far past anything that 'confiscating phones' etc would be an answer for that I'm concerned your focus is on your frustration and you are missing the red flags PP mentioned. And they ARE red flags, huge ones.

Am also wondering if your son has ever been exposed to DV in any way when he was younger or now as that behaviour is so not the norm or typical teen boy behaviour. Your poor DD

Your DS needs some serious help and swiftly. What's communication like between you and your Ex (so you can formulate a plan, boundaries, and help ASAP)?