To buy DD a whole new wardrobe for a completely ridiculous reason.

(103 Posts)
WitchOfEorzea Mon 17-Oct-16 18:07:50

Have NC for this as deep down I am aware this is completely batshit.

I went into DD's nursery today. It was for a meeting with dd's senco (asd)

She was a little late so I spent a bit of time in the nursery watching dd.

When I left I was in bits.

When I was at school it was difficult for me to fit in. For a start I have high functioning autism BUT on top of that....

A he-man bobbed lego haircut. Dresses that would have suited a 50's pair of curtains, clumpy practical shoes, nothing girly or sparkly and I was torn to pieces by other girls.

Now fast forward to today and dd was sat on her own, in mismatched clothes because frankly anything she'll actually wear is a win (refuses), hair just brushed and her favourite wellies.

There was a gaggle of girls (yes I know, I know they are 4) making a fuss of this other girl because she had a sparkly hand bag and shoes.

I'm probably not explaining this very well. I just saw dd on her own (I know also asd is a big part of it) and this other group bonding over pretty hair clips and well....stuff I just haven't been doing for dd.

Getting a brush through her hair everyday is done but no fancy plaits or anything because she hates me touching it.

Clothes: I've never really chosen any for her. Older family members have always bought her so many (plus hand me downs from friends) that I've never had to.

I just feel like it may be like a small thing but that I'm setting her up to have a harder time like I did.

Is there a site anywhere for 'toddler fashion', where can I get a spirally handbag?

Have I gone completely insane?

Crunchymum Mon 17-Oct-16 18:16:07

Hairclips and new shoes aren't going to help much if they are going to get your DD stressed when you put them on her? It's a waste of money surely?

How about some glittery wellies as a compromise?

SeenoevilHearnoevilSpeaknoevil Mon 17-Oct-16 18:17:11

I have 3 DDs and I can assure you, very few little girls at this age get excited about pretty bags and shoes. My three have had hand me downs from family, friends and from
Each other! My youngest DD wears whatever I don't want ruined to nursery. I learnt the hard way with my eldest DD who had a friend who liked to paint other Children's clothes confused
I think mums have an image of what having a DD will be like, but it's isn't always that way. My eldest has a lot of long hair and I fight with her to make it pretty with her always insisting on a pony tail. My middle one has lots of curls and loves to be "pretty" and wants to wear dresses and my youngest drinks puddles... gross.
Your DD will find her own little style and personality when she's ready and in the meantime please don't worry about toddler handbags and sparkly shoes.

wineflowers for you... because bringing up kids is hard!

sonlypuppyfat Mon 17-Oct-16 18:17:51

My girls liked to play with bags but wouldn't have taken one to school. I know people say it's great to stand out and be individual but there are times you need to fit in. Go to a supermarket and buy her a few bits it won't be too expensive. I never had much as a kid but my girls have the latest fashions because I know how it felt not to

wowwee123 Mon 17-Oct-16 18:18:06

really - yes you dont need to worry about stuff like that.

but i see where you're coming from and would probably have the same thoughts.

can you afford new clothes? is there any way dd can get involved in choosing them?

not to encourage it but next is always a go to for me for dn a similar age. they have some reasonably priced bits.

Crunchymum Mon 17-Oct-16 18:18:24

I can assure you that 4yo are not fashion conscious.... they do all like glittery shit though.

Enidblyton1 Mon 17-Oct-16 18:18:41

Ah, you haven't gone insane! Perfectly natural to want to do everything possible to help your child smile
My DC ha every fine hair that doesn't seem to grow and always look messy because they don't want me to brush it. I often look enviously at little girls with gorgeous mops of perfect hair!!
You definitely don't have to spend much to get a few 'pretty' outfits for your DD. I find great stuff in supermarkets and charity shops. But would your DD wear it? I find my DC always want to wear the things I like the least!

ChishandFips33 Mon 17-Oct-16 18:19:27

I can see your angst and I think your thoughts are lovely but equally it may not suit your daughter's sensory needs - and these things may never appeal to her which may not be a bad thing.

Having to tolerate/deal with a whole host of attention close up may be the last thing she needs

Would she tolerate a trip to a shop on a quiet day and choose something herself - but be prepared that the feel of it may outweigh the look of it - or she just hates the whole experience

MatildaTheCat Mon 17-Oct-16 18:21:32

If she refuses clothes I doubt she will agree to wear a whole new wardrobe. Especially if she dislikes change. Sounds more like you were reminded of wearing clothes you hated and feeling different which she clearly doesn't.

However if you are swamped with mismatched hand me downs maybe you could update her clothes a little and try to involve her in choosing some pretty things but beware, 4 year olds may have different views from you on what constitutes a good look. smile

myownprivateidaho Mon 17-Oct-16 18:22:09

I think that installing your daughter with the confidence that she can dress how you like would be better. I think you're projecting your own experiences here I'm afraid. I had hair like a birds nest and still had my little friends.

WitchOfEorzea Mon 17-Oct-16 18:22:11

Next and glittery shit, got it, thanks!😁

I think dd is beautiful and she loves her wellies and anything red really.

I just felt this 'pang' I know she probably doesn't give a shiny shit at four but it was like a glimpse into what it will be like.

And from personal experience I know being the odd one out is hell.

Ginkypig Mon 17-Oct-16 18:23:16

You could spend hundreds of pounds on fancy sparkly girl clothes but what's the point, youv said your dd isn't interested in things like that and doesn't want you to do her hair, take your cues from your dd!

as long as she's clean, got weather appropriate clothes on and is happy then that should be enough.

I was bullied to because of the wrong clothes. Family was poor so I had hand me downs (that didn't fit) I started high school in clunky men's shoes from what everyone wants! So I get why you might feel the way you do but don't mix up your feelings with your dd's. Buying her a whole new wardrobe just might make her conscious of things rather than before where she was just happy.

But surely you don't want them 'fussing' over her? She has asd, she'd quite probably hate it!

claraschu Mon 17-Oct-16 18:24:10

This will be important in a few years- not now. But do have fun getting her something she will like that is sparkly, just don't worry about it; that comes later.

WitchOfEorzea Mon 17-Oct-16 18:25:49

It's a good point, I'm most definitely projecting my own experiences on to her.

Maybe just a few new bits of clothes at first and just see if she likes them? I know which textures/material she tolerates.

Definitely will get the sparkly wellies though. Dd likes glittery stuff I've just never gone out and got any blush

girlwithamoonandstaronherhead Mon 17-Oct-16 18:26:56

I have boys but your little girl sounds right up my street smile I also have had moments of sadness when I see my little boy struggling to make friends, as I did, and worry what the future might hold. But we have to remember that our kids are not us.

blueturtle6 Mon 17-Oct-16 18:29:07

Asda have pink glittery wellies, could you try headbands? Also get her doing your hair to be interested in her own.

Wolfiefan Mon 17-Oct-16 18:30:28

Please don't stress. Pre school my DD lived in her brother's old clothes. She had very short hair as she hated it being brushed. She's nearly 7 now and starting to have an opinion. She chooses dresses and says yes or no when we go clothes shopping (only ever when she's outgrown stuff!) Cheap and cheerful. Comfy cotton. And yes some bloody sparkle. grin
And she's growing her hair. But SHE brushes it not me.
Better a comfy and independent individual than a premature fashion victim who already feels they MUST follow the herd.

Oly5 Mon 17-Oct-16 18:33:51

I think kids can be cruel and so I've taken the view that if they want the latest fashions and we can afford them, I'll get them. I always "fitted in" clothes wise but I know girls who didn't and their lives were hell.
Yes in a perfect world you would just teach your daughter not to give a shit but life isn't like that.
I wouldn't go overboard, especially as it's not her demanding these things but you worrying about them.
Why not just take her shopping and encourage some sparkly shopping?

QuackDuckQuack Mon 17-Oct-16 18:35:55

I'm not sure whether my DD is typical, but I find that even if you buy a nice outfit, all matchy-matchy, she will wear one bit with something else that doesn't go at all. The only thing that would bother me with your DD is whether her hair would get tangled if it isn't put up (my DD's would).

SoupDragon Mon 17-Oct-16 18:37:38

Try Primark. Cheap glittery shit that won't matter if your DD refuses to wear any of it!

ayeokthen Mon 17-Oct-16 18:38:33

I read your OP and it made me really sad, I know what it's like to be the odd one out, to be the kid who isn't in the "in" crowd. I confess I have gone down the route of making sure my kids "fit in" because I couldn't bear for them to feel like I did. Eldest DS has ASD and can be funny with clothes, but like PP have suggested glittery wellies are a great compromise (Tesco were doing light up glittery ones for a while if that would appeal to your DD).
Have you tried some of the sites for clothes for kids with ASD? Seam free socks, sensory issues taken into account etc? I can't remember the names of them but I'll ask DS teacher when they're back from half term and tell you.
What I'm trying to say is, do what you feel is best for your DD. For my kids, I've found camouflage is the best defence, but that doesn't mean it's the right way to do things. Would a backpack with glitter and the wellies be a compromise? Or a bobble with a bow?
Whatever you're doing, you're doing out of love, it's not wrong. But I do understand where you're coming from, it's deeply painful to be "that" kid, and it's even more painful when you see it happening to your child. Hang in there OP, your DD has an awesome Mum and your DD sounds pretty cool to me already.

Glamorousglitter Mon 17-Oct-16 18:40:56

My dd is sensory defensive, and was the same with hair re clips etc.

What helps is having a neat Bob haircut (below chin length) still looks neat

I ve lost count of the amount of clothes we have bought that she s never worn! So frustrating - fine in the shop then bring it home and there s a scratchy Sean some where ... aaaahhhh.

As she s grown she s improved somewhat (maybe inhave too)

You can get lots of nice girls clothes, my dd loves soft stuff - Zara gap and next do nice tracksuit bottoms

H and m do cords that are stretchy

Oh and m dd would never wear a skirt or dress.

Primark have short sleeved brushed thermal vests that are soft and lovely and will make most t shirts tolerable.

Good luck xx

Hellochicken Mon 17-Oct-16 18:43:10

I'd also say take cues from her. If she wants to dress the same or differently then within reason you can accomodate this. If she really isnt bothered then thats ok! Copying other people and wearing things for friendship, to me doesnt build true confidence.
I wore hand-me-downs charity shop until I was about 11 it didnt bother me. Then everything bothered me!
I still wear charity shop clothes fwiw I think it is the best recycling!

Helloitsme87 Mon 17-Oct-16 18:46:30

I work in a pre school. I can assure you this isn't what girls that age care about.

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