To make DS go to this party?

(134 Posts)
Rollergirl1 Sat 15-Oct-16 10:32:52

DS (8) received an invitation from a boy in his class for his birthday. He doesn't play with the boy at all.

Just to give some background the boy has quite significant behavioural problems and I think he has a statement. He has anger issues and can get quite aggressive and disruptive in class (throwing chairs around and lashing out) and there have also been cases of him biting and punching other children in the class. But DS says he has been a lot better lately. There was also another boy in the class who was very very disruptive and he was excluded about a year ago.

Anyway, it is a laser quest party and DS really likes this activity. I asked DS if he wanted to go when we first got the invitation and he said that he wanted to see who else from his class was going. He kept forgetting to ask other people though and in the end he said yes he wanted to go so I replied to the mum saying yes.

Since then he has found out that not really anyone else from his class is going but the boy that was excluded is. Now DS doesn't want to go. I am telling him that he has to as we replied to say we were and it is not fair to back out at the last minute. Also I feel a bit sorry for the boy if not many people are going (although I don't actually know who has been invited).

DS is really dreading going now and I feel bad making him but think that if we let him back out now it is not giving a good message.

WWYD?

Nurszilla Sat 15-Oct-16 10:34:36

He doesn't want to go and is probably afraid, I can understand why you want him to go but ultimately I would let him make the decision.

PoldarksBreeches Sat 15-Oct-16 10:35:55

I think he has to go.

PlugUgly Sat 15-Oct-16 10:38:52

Would you want to go to a party where you felt threatened? Of course not, offer to go with him for support and then let him decide

StCecilia Sat 15-Oct-16 10:39:32

I'd make him go, he accepted so needs to learn to think more carefully about saying yes to things in future.

I've known of loads of people in the past that are flakey and say yes then back out. It's a major bug bear of mine and have taught my DSs to follow through stuff they've said they'd do.

Also sometimes expectations are so low that he'll end up really enjoying it.

Floggingmolly Sat 15-Oct-16 10:42:18

Difficult one... Normally I'd say of course he has to go, and it would indeed be awful for the birthday boy if few people turn up, but if your ds is actively dreading it?
On the other hand, accepting with the proviso that he'd only go if lots of his friends were also going was a bit hmm too, and he shouldn't be allowed to do that again.
<sits on fence>

Wisewisewords Sat 15-Oct-16 10:49:14

You could tell him that as he has accepted he has to go to give the birthday boy a present and wish him happy birthday but he doesn't have to stay to play if he doesn't want to. That you will explain to boys mother that your son not feeling too well this morning and may not stay, and you will wait around should he wish to go home. Then your son has the chance to go and join in but a let out if he doesn't feel comfortable.

SuperMoonIsKeepingMeUpToo Sat 15-Oct-16 10:49:48

I wouldn't. Laser quest isn't structured enough for him to potentially be in a minority against some violent children.

SpotTheDuck Sat 15-Oct-16 10:53:34

I wouldn't make him go, he obv doesn't feel safe. None of us as adults would choose to go to a party where somebody who'd been violent to or around us was going to be there.

neonrainbow Sat 15-Oct-16 10:54:49

That's a lesson for him in checking who else was going before accepting the invite! I'd feel very very sorry for the birthday boy if nobody went so i would make him go but hang around in case of any problems.

FlabulousChic Sat 15-Oct-16 10:56:56

Why would you make your child go somewhere they don't want to go? Never understand that forcing children to do something that they won't enjoy.

NicknameUsed Sat 15-Oct-16 10:57:38

I wonder if we will see posts from the birthday boy's mum about no-one turning up at her son's party.

I think Wisewisewords advice is excellent and you should at least turn up with a present.

Tiptoethr0ughthetulips Sat 15-Oct-16 10:57:44

It's a tough one, but I think I would insist he goes. It would be awful for this boy and his parents if nobody turned up. If it doesn't go well then at least you tried and your DS won't attend in future.

TeenAndTween Sat 15-Oct-16 10:58:33

I would say he should go.

But I would also say to hosting Mum that he is concerned about boy B and that I would be staying at venue and if my DS was targeted / upset I would take him home.

Aeroflotgirl Sat 15-Oct-16 10:59:54

I would, its about teaching your ds about differences. That little boy sounds so much like my friends ds, who was excluded like this, from his mainstream at 8. He now has a dx of ASD, Social Emotional and Behavioural difficulties, related to this and he now has an EHCP. Thanks to the PRU for all their hard work in getting him the help he needs. Why not have a chat with his mother, or go with your ds, if your concerned. I am sure the mother will be more than happy to have some extra adults there, I know my friend would have.

Tiptoethr0ughthetulips Sat 15-Oct-16 11:00:09

Also think as a pp suggested you could perhaps hang around too and intervene if needed.

DiegeticMuch Sat 15-Oct-16 11:00:52

He should show up with a present and an enthusiastic face. Make it clear to him, however, that he should tell a member of staff to ring you if either boy becomes aggressive, and you'll come immediately to collect him.

Aeroflotgirl Sat 15-Oct-16 11:02:38

I think you have to go, I can imagine this little boy, because that is what he is first and foremost, being absolutely crushed because nobody came to his party. I would accompany him, if your concerned, and leave if it gets too much.

BertrandRussell Sat 15-Oct-16 11:03:13

I would make him go. But I would take my book and stay at the venue just in case. The birthday boy''s parents are presumably aware of the benavioural issues the kids have and will be prepared for any problems.

user1476140278 Sat 15-Oct-16 11:05:56

He has to go. It's a lesson for him really...giving in this way is the human thing to do and he might have a great time.

CigarsofthePharoahs Sat 15-Oct-16 11:09:30

I think I agree with most of the people on this thread. Go, but hang around. The most likely scenario is they'll get into the swing of things and have a good time.
It really is quite gutting for children of any age if people say they're coming and then don't show up.

Rollergirl1 Sat 15-Oct-16 11:09:41

I don't think he's scared about going. I think he just wants some of his friends there.

DH is taking him and is going to hang around to make sure he's okay.

whirlwinds Sat 15-Oct-16 11:09:43

As we learn, we have to do things we don't always want to do. As I said to the parents on the playground- I decide not my child, he can request, be listened to but if we have committed ourselves then we follow through.

user1474781546 Sat 15-Oct-16 11:09:59

I wouldn't make him go. Having organised a couple of laser quest parties from my own son I know these events can get quite spirited to put it mildly.

Your son sounds afraid and I don't blame him. I also question the wisdom of the parents of the birthday boy choosing such an event which encourages such aggressive and combative behaviour- surely a tinder box for the birthday boy.

I wouldn't go to a party where I didn't like the host, and felt unsafe, so I wouldn't expect my son to go if he didn't want to.

Something could crop up- an aunt visiting/granny's birthday, trip to the orthodontist.

Teaching the art of diplomatic lying is a good life skill to learn.

Aeroflotgirl Sat 15-Oct-16 11:12:42

User that's not nice, really is a cowardly thing to do. There are lots of great suggestions, rather than nobody going to a little boys party, that is mean!

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