To be annoyed at the situation?

(20 Posts)
Quailingtonsmithe Fri 14-Oct-16 23:36:21

Currently my fiance and I are having to live between our parents houses while we save for up for a mortgage, we would rent but sadly rentals in our area are extremely overpriced and something we cannot afford unless we completely relocate/we change job etc, an option we've looked in to. (the people who live around here are folks who bought their homes many years ago and are mainly all elderly who now are sitting on a small fortune, despite the houses being normal 2 beds etc and a comfortable but not a particularly rich area).

Anywho, the point being we sadly haven't much choice in our living situation currently. Since we have been there my DF's older brother who is 37 and has a flat a 40 mile drive away, decided to start coming to his parents house and stopping over, that's fine no probs there, but then he started staying 2-3 nights, they then turned to a week, then two weeks and then a full month and now he hardlys goes back home and when he does he expects to be driven there by DF dad. He has quit his job by going on the sick and not going back, even though there was nothing wrong with him and now spends his days staying up all night, being very noisy, sleeping on the floor in various locations of the house where we have had to step over him and expects his mum to wait on him hand and foot (she's a bit doddery).

I don't think he's done this because he is lonely, he did originally move to his flat because his friends were there, but they've got wives/girlfriends now, so it mustn't be as fun for him, but he still hangs about with mates and when he's at the parents he doesn't speak to anyone unless its to ask them for money, what takeaway he can get, what he wants his dad to buy him from the shop (cigs and chocolate mainly) or for lifts to mates houses he could walk to or back to his flat 40 miles away.

My DF's parents are both over 70 and are pensioners, we pay our own way while we have to be there and try to be as helpful and conscientious as possible, and hope to be on our way soon. But he is just the opposite, there is no reason for him to be there. He cannot afford his flat and has gone on benefits but refuses to give the flat up, and (i don't know how, has managed to get the parents to pay it for him, they are not rich at all, but still had some savings, which is what they've been using to pay for it and him). This is madness and its as if no one dare say a word to him or disagree with him. Myself and the DF have both spoken with the parents but they seem to be in denial about the whole situation and seem to try and change the subject, they have mentioned he gets angry, which is slightly concerning, because im really hoping theyre not afraid of him.

My DF has said things to the brother but he just ignores him, i just want to go up to them all and bang their heads together and knock some bleedin sense into them and get this situation sorted, AIBU to get involved and say something to said brother and the parents, ive only ever made minor comments to the parents when the subject was already being brought up as i try to be respectful and keep out of it, but its really getting to me and im finding it hard to bite my tongue now. I know the sooner we can get out the better but it still doesnt solve the problem for them or what weve had to put up from him.

He just acts like a big baby, expecting everyone to pay for this fun life he seems to have going on, only going back to his "holiday" flat when his friends want to go there, its all paid for by the parents, his bills, sky etc and the car journeys where his dad has to take him back and forth 40 miles each way, his smokes and food, he sits around all day in his pants on the computer and does absolutely nothing, he talks to his family like they're skivvies. All the while we're busting our backsides at work trying to be able to afford a place of our own, he keeps us awake all night being really noisy and doesn't care about anyone else. Things have got that bad that the parents have sold there home to one of those companies in order to release equity from the home as they have run out of money. He makes me sick and all i want to do is tell him to stop his childish and selfish behaviour, but its not my home, not my family(yet) I'm at the point of exploding! Has anyone else had to deal with something like this, what can we do?

WorraLiberty Fri 14-Oct-16 23:43:01

I can see how frustrating it is, but in the nicest possible way it's none of your business.

They're being kind to him (obviously far too kind by the sound of it) but they're also being kind to you and their other son, in giving you all somewhere to live.

They are adults after all and I really don't think any of them would appreciate you turning up, staying in their home and then getting involved in their personal decisions.

Just keep saving and counting the days down until you have a home of your own.

Even if your DF has a word with his parents, I really can't see it causing anything but trouble/resentment.

19lottie82 Fri 14-Oct-16 23:45:49

I don't really think it's any of your business, sorry.

I guess part of your anger is because you can't afford your own place and he has a flat which he chooses not to use?

Your DP has offered his parents his advice / support and they have rejected it.

Maybe there's more to the situation than you understand, you seem a bit judgemental .

HeddaGarbled Sat 15-Oct-16 00:07:05

Don't explode. That could be disastrous. If your PIL to be are forced to choose between you and him, they'll choose him and you'll be homeless.

I think your current tactics are good. Drop in the odd bit of advice when the subject crops up. Don't be put off by the subject being changed. Express incredulity or concern when you are told something new. Be receptive and supportive. But don't try to force any confrontations.

rollonthesummer Sat 15-Oct-16 00:12:38

He's being an arse but he's their son and they can fund him if they want to. Why don't you move back to your parents' house?

JoJoSM2 Sat 15-Oct-16 00:29:02

I agree - none of your business - the problem is with DF's brother as much as his parents who are perpetuating this vicious cycle.. You should also bear in mind that they are helping you and DF - you're grown ups and would normally be renting and not living with them either, you know. I don't think it's your position to say anything frankly. If you're bothered by just looking at it, then move out.

coolaschmoola Sat 15-Oct-16 00:46:31

Hmm... You find THEIR son annoying in THEIR home where YOU are also living?

Not your place and, tbh, even if you are paying your way it's still crap having other people in your home (as you are discovering).

You are lucky that they let you live there, you don't get to complain about their actual offspring living there.

VforVienetta Sat 15-Oct-16 01:27:24

The only thing you could reasonably raise is him being noisy late at night - everything else I agree with the other posters; not your circus, not your monkeys.
Focus on your own progress and leave your DF to raise any issues among his family's

mynachos Sat 15-Oct-16 01:51:35

YANBU....... hes taking the clean piss out of his parents. Why are they pandering to him? At the very least they need to stop paying his rent for a unused flat. Having.to release equity from their home at their age is heartbreaking. Can your DF not have a word (Brother to Brother?)

JenLindleyShitMom Sat 15-Oct-16 02:09:06

You could always go live in your own parents house and leave this family to their own business.

user1476140278 Sat 15-Oct-16 02:10:27

My brother did this OP. He was 42 and came back to live with my Mum and he moped about the house snapping at everyone whilst she subsidised his living.

I don't speak to him any longer after he snapped and shouted at me one Christmas. It's always sad when a relative acts like this.

But as you say, you have no choice at the moment and it is THEIR house and THEIR son so you just have to suck it up and wait it out till you have enough cash.

Quailingtonsmithe Sat 15-Oct-16 02:24:05

Thanks for the advice guys, I think I just needed the reassurance that keeping out of it and minding my own business was the right thing to do, I just didn't know if I should be doing something about it. It is heartbreaking to see, my DF has tried talking to him but he doesn't want to know the parents have told us many times that they arnt happy about it and they cant afford it. Its up to then what they want to do, we're just worried they're scared of him, he is very manipulative and we have heard him being quite nasty to them over silly little things. We have spent a while trying to keep out of it and trying to turn a blind eye but its upsetting to see for my DF which upsets me. I agree there's not really much we can do and we're extremely grateful that we can stay between both our parents homes while we get ourselves sorted, tbh I don't think they want my DF to leave again lol. And yes I guess I am cross that he has got a house he doesn't pay for but doesn't care to use when were struggling to have a place of our own, it does get to me, his parents have tried to suggest he gives it up and just move back in home seeing as he's living there anyway but all he's said is that he doesn't want to incase he ever gets a job where the flat is?! And then gets funny with them. I don't get why its been allowed to continue but that's there business, I'm just sad its happening at all. Sorry If my first post came out as a rant at all, it wasn't meant to be, the whole family are at there's wits end, I could just live at my parents home on my own but my DF would be left in the same pappy situation, just alone, we currently go between both homes together, we feel like a blummin pair of nomads but needs must, just counting down the days, just hope it get sorted for his parents, its them I feel sorry for.

OrpheuswiththeUnderpants Sat 15-Oct-16 03:35:33

Whilst I agree with the other posters that you can't get pointedly involved, I also think it's not right to say it's none of your business - you are living there after all and you are contributing. I bet as well that you are a breath of fresh air to the rest of the family (except the brother!). Try to keep them all talking. You don't have to offer up your opinions (unless asked) but my guess is that said brother probably likes it when everything is kept quiet and he is not challenged. And good luck with saving up for your own place!

Mummyoflittledragon Sat 15-Oct-16 03:57:32

At what point does this become abuse and a police matter? It looks where this situation is headed. '

FlabulousChic Sat 15-Oct-16 07:57:57

Why is your partner allowing this for his own beiges to take the puss out of his parents he is the one that needs to say something. It's abuse simple

FlabulousChic Sat 15-Oct-16 07:58:27

So sorry ... his brother taking the piss out of his parents

AyeAmarok Sat 15-Oct-16 08:08:25

He sounds awful. A self-centred, irresponsible arsehole. And it must be so hard to watch as it sounds like he is going to drain his parents of every penny they have and they sound vulnerable to that.

But I agree it's not your place to say anything, not while you're living there too.

However,if I was your DP then I'd be saying something.

Honeypickle Sat 15-Oct-16 09:05:02

You said that you don't know how they are finding their son and that they have some savings which they are using AND right at the end of your post you mention that they have sold their house to an equity release company in order to fund him? Hmmm.

Quailingtonsmithe Sat 15-Oct-16 14:16:36

Sorry dont get what u mean honeypickle? I mean I don't know how they're managing to afford it, surely the money they have got would be needed for them to live and before they were still paying their own mortgage , they have told us about having savings before which was from when his dad worked from the bonuses he earned all his family know that, there are two other kids but they are in their 50's and live well away, the whole family know about the savings. They have had to recently release equity which is a conversation they had to have with my DF as he had to be part of it, something to do with of anything happened to them he had to sign something that would basically evict him so the company could sell it as it would belong to them. That's fine, its up to them what they do with their money, were not interested in it for ourselves, we'll make our own way, its just they arnt able to do anything, go anywhere, enjoy their retirement because of it. MY DF has tried his best to intervene where reasonably possible and talk to both the parents and bro(separately), but the bro not interested and he doesn't want to keep at the parents as its just more stress for them and (they'd rather not talk about it) its just its sad as u can see they're miserable but I get the impression they feel like they cant say no to him, he has that effect on people. I didn't know how they were affording it before, now the equity has been released yes its obvious, but just proves that they couldn't afford it or else they wouldn't of had to resort to such desperate measure and basically they now have no life. But its not our place to say really, we can only try and help where poss, were not there all the time and even when we are there we keep out of the way and are usually there on an evening unless of course its a weekend, but we try to go out(walks etc) just to get our own space so as not to impose too much. We also buy house essentials etc and treats for them to help them get by, we obviously dont say that's why ,we just do it and hope it helps. Its just all a bit crazy, ive never had to deal with anything like this before and its not nice to see. I'm just wondering if others have had to deal with the same? And thanks again everyone your advice has been extremely useful 😊

Honeypickle Sat 15-Oct-16 21:19:06

Apologies Quail, I thought there was a contradiction in your post but after your update, I understand. This situation seems to come up quite frequently on MN, and it must be very frustrating for you (and others) to see loved ones being so blatantly taken advantage of. However, I remember my own mother telling me about her friend whose adult daughter lived with her and took the p*ss massively, but my mum'sattitude was that of course you couldn't throw your own child out. I thought yes you bloody could, but now I have my own children, I know it's not quite so black and white. Although I hope I'm raising mine not to ever be so spoilt and self-entitled as the OP's BIL, you just never know! Best of luck Quail.

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