To not know what to do about relationship

(9 Posts)
oneaddiction Fri 14-Oct-16 19:33:40

I am pretty sure most people on here would class my relationship as abusive, but I don't want to leave, and plus I think my own actions might count as abusive. My heads a mess. How can you start sorting out your relationship, when you're not sure if it's even normal.

GreenRut Fri 14-Oct-16 19:37:27

Why dint you call women's aid. They are good at listening and you can explain what is going on and they'll tell you if your relationship is abusive? Sometimes you need an objective opinion. If you are also abusive then that is something you need to be prepared to take responsibility for. If you feel able, why don't you describe for us a scenario in your relationship which you feel indicate it might be abusive? Loads of us on here have been there (and are still there!) so might be able to empathise / give advice flowers

oneaddiction Fri 14-Oct-16 19:43:02

Thank you for your incredibly kind message.

He demands sex and when I say no, it's like trying to fend off seven king cobras, just hands everywhere.

But I also am not always truthful and lie about silly things.

GreenRut Fri 14-Oct-16 19:45:18

To put it kindly, I would say that's abusive then, yes. What would you like to do about it? Do you want to get out of the relationship?

oneaddiction Fri 14-Oct-16 19:52:12

I don't think I do sad but I also feel I should WANT to

PigeonPieAndMash Fri 14-Oct-16 19:52:29

If you say no to sex but he makes you anyway, that's classed as rape whether you're in a relationship or not. Not being truthful and and lying about things isn't classed as being abusive. I was in an abusive relationship and felt like I ^had^to lie about the most stupid things as my ex was so paranoid about everything. If a man walked past me in the street he would accuse me of sleeping with him. Please call womens aid. They can give you good advice and will listen to you without judging. flowers

MrsTerryPratchett Fri 14-Oct-16 19:54:54

Oh love, he's sexually assaulting you sad Call Women's Aid.

oneaddiction Fri 14-Oct-16 19:56:35

I don't feel I can leave.

This is where I am confused because I feel a normal person would recognise this as abuse, and be horrified at it, I don't.

ZappDingbat Fri 14-Oct-16 20:18:26

None of us would ever be in an abusive relationship if recognising abuse, and leaving was that easy.
Loads of us have been where you are.

Personally, I had an uncomfortable feeling for a long time, but because my self esteem was in my boots, I thought it was all my fault. If only I could be/do better...

I had a slow dawning suspicion that my relationship was abusive. Then my actual realisation was like a lightbulb. But my thoughts swung from "I've had enough" to "don't be daft, he loves me" , to "but you're stuck, you haven't got a get out option" Round and round in circles I went.

He upped the ante, and I finally told him he had to go. Found out a month later, he was cheating which coincided with him upping the ante.

I genuinely felt I was stuck. I didn't want to destroy the family. I wanted the Disney dream. I had made major sacrifices and cut myself off from people for the sake of our relationship. I had moved away from family and recently given birth so no job. Mumsnet and then womens aid helped me see the light and helped me not be blinded by it. While I was in the relationship I wouldn't have believed that I would need to get the police involved, but I did need to, 6 months after the relationship ended due to his ongoing attempts to abuse us. I won't lie, that first year after splitting was hard!

Now, 7 years later, me and my children are as happy as pigs in muck. I have re-establish my career. And delighted with my financial independence. Counselled my kids through the damage of his abuse. They are thriving. Been single and absolutely not looking and couldn't entertain the idea of looking. Whilst I may be more sceptical about the Disney dream, I am wonder woman compared to the shell I was during the relationship.

Then last month a friend made his interest clear, after 18 months of waiting. We've been out a couple of times and had a great time. If it has long term potential, then great. If not, then that's fine too cos I don't just cope on my own, I know i work/parent and live life well without a man.

I don't post often but your post made me feel empathy with you. I just wanted to share that a lot of women who left an abusive relationship are in your position at some point. You may be in for a rough time emotionally and psychologically as your realisation continues, but mn and womens aid really can help you through it.

Good luck op, a whole new world awaits you. flowers

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