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AIBU?

To wonder why this child was sent home from Australia?

75 replies

BG2015 · 14/10/2016 19:02

My DP has a DD ( now 13). In Summer 2014 his ex told him that she was thinking of moving to Oz and would he give his permission to let her go. She had met a fella out there after numerous trips to visit her brother who lives in Australia.

DP agreed and signed relative paperwork. His relationship with his DD had been very on/off, not helped by a mother who refused to let him parent e.g she just turned up after her daughter rang to say she didn't want the food her dad was giving her, she then took DD home, long story.

So Sept 2014 they leave. The mum marries the Ozzie and that's that.

We then find out that grandparents bring DD (their granddaughter) back to the UK in Feb this year. My DP contacts the grandparents in order to find out what's gone on and to re-establish a relationship with his daughter.

The story is that DD cannot go to school in Australia yet??? Until her mum gets citizenship? Or she can't go to the 'right' school? We aren't totally sure. So she's sent back and resumes school in Year8, living with gp but spending some of the weekend with us.

Now gp have had enough, temper tamtrums, screaming, shouting, swearing at them. Mum refuses to let her live with us??

DP is currently at their house. They've called social services and the police.
They just can't take anymore.

Anyone know anything about Australian schooling? Citizenship? They live in Perth. It all seems odd to me!

I felel so sorry for the kid, abandoned by her mum while she carries on with her new husband in a new country. You get sent back to live with your grandparents.

OP posts:

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SocksRock · 14/10/2016 19:04

I don't think the mum can refuse to let her live with her father if he has PR and she isn't even in the country?

SocksRock · 14/10/2016 19:05

Could you have her living with you permanently? She sounds desperately in need of stability

Oakmaiden · 14/10/2016 19:07

If your partner has parental responsibility then he can over rule the mother and insist that if his daughter is living in the UK without her mother then she should stay with him.

Certainly if SS get involved and the grandparents don't want her, then I would expect them to expect your partner to take over the parenting role. I don't see that her mum has a say when she is on the other side of the world.

Poor girl.

Starlight2345 · 14/10/2016 19:08

I have no real knowledge..

However it sounds like she has a lot of emotional problems...What would DP like to happen? Does he have PR ?

Cabrinha · 14/10/2016 19:09

You feel sorry for the because her mum abandoned her?
Yeah, right after your prize of a boyfriend abandoned.
Poor child.
There were steps he could have gone through to sort out the access issues - did he?

I would say that he should step up now, get the girl with him full time, get some therapeutic support for her and help her. But I'm not sure given his past input whether he's the right person to do that. This poor child cannot be let down by him again, with her mother letting her down in between.

PikachuSayBoo · 14/10/2016 19:09

Well I have a friend who moved to Oz and her kids started school straight away. She didn't have citizenship for a couple of years. That was Brisbane.

alafolie29 · 14/10/2016 19:11

I would venture that the school issue was a fabrication intended to hide the fact that the mother didn't want to bother with her anymore

Northernlurker · 14/10/2016 19:14

So your partner is only bothered about his child if she's in this country? I think both parents have behaved very badly. I'd think very carefully about the person you're in a relationship with if i were you op.

WipsGlitter · 14/10/2016 19:19

To be fair to the OP we are only getting a snapshot here. Do you both want her with you full time?

Cabrinha · 14/10/2016 19:25

Right, a 5 minute Google tells me that if you enter on a 457 visa (temporary skilled workers) then your child has to have a visa too. And even when they have a visa, in Perth you need to pay 4000 AUD per year to access the public school system.

Your boyfriend's ex may be on a partnership visa not a 457, but I suppose the 457 suggests that it's not as simple as mum gets visa = child gets school. (at least, for free)

Why hasn't your boyfriend done anything about having his child live with him for the last 9 months?

Cabrinha · 14/10/2016 19:27

If he doesn't want her full time Wips, then he's a disgrace.

OP has no obligation of course. And there may be reasons why it's better for the child. But her father should want her.

BG2015 · 14/10/2016 19:31

My DP tried endlessly to maintain a relationship with his daughter, she (& her mother) ignored phone calls and messages. He was totally blanked. The grandparents even contacted him (who he gets on with well) to say to stop messaging etc as DD wasn't interested.

We have since found out (from gp) that there was a lot of brainwashing going on. DD contacted her dad very quickly once she was back in the U.K.

She could live here permanently and forever as far as we're concerned. She has her own room and my DS13 and her have mutual friends. Her school is close by. My DP has PR. He would love it.

OP posts:

BG2015 · 14/10/2016 19:33

He tried to encourage her to live with us. Mum was reluctant and let's say she gets very spoilt at her grandparents- she wouldn't here!

OP posts:

user1471531273 · 14/10/2016 19:34

If your DP has PR then he should go and collect her and bring her to your house. As long as his DD is willing. Legally he can do so

EverySongbirdSays · 14/10/2016 19:37

Then he needs to get a court to make a sole custody judgement in his favour as her mother has voluntarily relinquished her. It shouldn't even take much doing if he has PR and a solicitor.

If they couldn't access free schooling that may have been the issue, but that doesn't mean her mother can rule that her DGP must have her

Dinosaursgoboo · 14/10/2016 19:40

Honestly, he can just take her to live with him, then. He doesn't need agreement from the mum, because each person with PR can act independently of the other. And since the mum is so far away, there's really nothing she can do to stop it. Get your partner to pack her stuff up (or go shopping to get essentials if this causes a problem) and get her out of there now. No kid needs to witness police involvement like this if they have a safe and loving parental home to go to. Spoil her a bit when she arrives, try to help her feel safe.

kali110 · 14/10/2016 19:44

If he has pr and the gp need space, why doesn't he just go and get her?
I don't think your dp is a bad dad.
If one parent wants to move to the other side of the world then one is always going to miss out!
I think the mom might be making things up.
Could there be problems with the bf and the daughter?

Frazzled2207 · 14/10/2016 19:44

Not sure what your question is but this is an almighty cockup, poor girl. She needs to come and live with you, permanently.

Cocoabutton · 14/10/2016 19:58

What does the daughter want to do? That would be a good starting point. And counselling as the behaviour is undoubtedly driven by emotional distress, unless she has any other diagnosed issues.

BG2015 · 14/10/2016 20:05

Frazzled, I don't know what my question is either! I just needed to vent a bit.

My DP is now home. His DD refused to come out of her room, the police went up to speak to her. They brought her down but didn't get very far with her.

She eats a lot of crap, they suggested monitoring her diet/sugar intake. We know she smuggles stuff into our house to eat in her room.

It's all well and good saying make her pack up her stuff etc etc, but physically getting a very tall 13 yr old girl to co operate and get in the car isn't easy. She sat shrugging her shoulders and refused to move!

OP posts:

LynetteScavo · 14/10/2016 20:05

But I doubt the tantrums will just stop if she comes to live with you. If she does come to live with you, great, but it's not all going to be plain sailing.

AlbertaDewdrop · 14/10/2016 20:05

This child?

The poor unwanted mite. 2 crap parents

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Cocoabutton · 14/10/2016 20:10

Well, to be honest, if the police turned up wanting to see my 13 year old, she would not say much either or move.

I would ask DP to see if her school has an EdPsych and what support is available that way. Her mum is half-way around the world and she is distressed and angry and GPs response is to call the police. How exactly is a 13 year old supposed to respond?

Scarydinosaurs · 14/10/2016 20:11

I would definitely get her a specialist child therapist. She clearly is very stressed with the whole situation.

Cocoabutton · 14/10/2016 20:13

Plus, she has been 18 months in school in Oz, so how come the problem surfaced in February? Is it a transition point?

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