to cancel the wedding?

(226 Posts)
Mildinsanity Thu 13-Oct-16 10:46:59

DP and I got engaged in August and have booked our venue for august 2018.
Photographer is booked and dress is bought.
However now Im having 2nd thoughts, we live together and own a buisness and are very much in love, he gets on fantastically with my 4DCS from a previous relationship but wants none of the responsibilty.

I can sort of see his point as they arent his DC he never wanted children but he chose to take me knowing I have 4 children and we come as a package.
Their dad is still very much a part of the DCs lives at the moment but I never know how long that will be for as he is a bit flighty, if he does disappear and it is definetly a possibilty then I cannot work full time and parent the same as I do now, he does school runs and will look after the DC when needed and is a proper dad (most of the time but thats a different thread).

so not to drip feed DP and EX get on great, DP doesnt want EX to disappear so he doesnt have to worry about the responsibilty.

I am happy to be a single parent and I have done it for years but I dont want to share my life with someone and still effectivly be a single parent IYSWIM?

A lot of it comes down to money which is how we got to this point for example if we go out to dinner with the DCs we dont go 50/50 he would pay for his and Id pay for me and the DCs.
The food bill and utilites he only wants to contribute 1/6th of them as he doesnt see why he should pay for the DCs.

Their Dad doesnt pay maintenance just for reference.

DP is happy to play with the kids, read with them and spend time with them but certainly not babysit them or look after them.

AIBU to cancel the wedding if he doesnt want to be an actual part of the family rather than the live in boyfriend?

Fairybella Thu 13-Oct-16 10:51:27

That's hard it must feel like u have two lives under one roof!
I personally wouldn't want that! My oh took on my little bean and u wouldn't know that she wasn't his. He pays for her and loves her like his own... Makes us a family... Do you feel you could carry on the way u are?
This sounds so hard to deal with! How do U really feel about this?

LIZS Thu 13-Oct-16 10:51:36

He needs to accept you come as a package or not at all. What if you had further children, the differences might be marked or he might opt out there too. Can't you go through CMS for maintenance from x?

FreckledLeopard Thu 13-Oct-16 10:52:17

YANBU. I split with my ex for a similar reason. I have one DD (now aged 15) whose father has never paid maintenance. My ex (it was a same sex relationship) was of the view that she shouldn't have to contribute towards DD - that it wasn't her problem that her father didn't pay maintenance and that she shouldn't take on the costs. She wanted to split the food bill three ways, split meals out, not pay as much for the TV services as DD would watch more channels. It was ridiculous.

Children come as part of the package. Obviously there's a bit of give and take depending on who earns what. In my ex's case, she earned in the region of £70k, was renting out her house and making a profit when she moved in with me, but begrudged any kind of splitting of bills or paying for DD. It caused the breakup of the relationship.

I'm now with a new DP and it's great. He knows that DD is part of the package, he includes her, he treats her. He earns a lot less than I do, so I try and cover as much as possible, but he's generous and kind.

I couldn't live how you are describing, I'm afraid. It would just kill all feelings of love towards the other partner, that they begrudged my children.

It's a horrible situation to be in sad

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe Thu 13-Oct-16 10:52:22

I think you have some serious choices to make.

If you get married you should be a family, he is acting like someone who's simply dating.

It's a tough one op, bit ultimately, if it's pissing you off already, it's only going to cause more resentment as it goes on which won't lead to a happy marriage.

RNBrie Thu 13-Oct-16 10:52:24

I'd cancel the wedding. Sorry Op, but I couldn't marry someone who didn't see my kids as their family. The money thing is weird, making you pay utility costs for your dc is bonkers.

NavyandWhite Thu 13-Oct-16 10:55:42

Long term this will drag you down.
I had 3 DC when I met DH ( he had no DC of his own ) and immediately he thought of them as his own. Admittedly my relationship with their father was poor but DH looked at in the way of if he was with me he was with the DC. Been together 21 years now.

When you're married you're a unit. Paying for his own shopping and meals out it just bizarre imo.

Think twice and then again.

VimFuego101 Thu 13-Oct-16 10:56:32

YANBU; he can't expect to live like a single person and his own financial pot if he's married and has step children. But I've also been in a situation where I've had to support a stepchild while their other parent paid no child support and to be honest it wore me down after a while. What is the situation with your ex and child support - is he employed?

FairyAnn Thu 13-Oct-16 10:56:44

Think about the long term as well OP, if your partner doesn't want to be responsible for your children, will that effect his relationship with any future grandchildren as well?

Plus, and this is worst case scenario, if something happens to you, do you think he will step up and take care of your children?

Only1scoop Thu 13-Oct-16 10:57:34

Gosh that's really tricky it's like have to be two people....his partner and then mum to your DC it's not conducive with a full family environment. Sounds like he's happy to be with your family as long as it all ticks along nicely.
I'd find that whole eating out thing embarrassing tbh

Standingonmytippytoes Thu 13-Oct-16 10:57:54

You're only going to grow resentful as time goes on the income difference alone would be a struggle. I always thought marriage meant you became part of the family if he's willing to join a ready made family he should be willing to take on the responsibility that entails.
Joint finances. Joint free time. Joint decision making. It's up to you if you can live with him being as he is. I'd maybe discuss how you feel with him first before you cancel the wedding. Does he know how you feel about the matter?

Didijustgetwinkpointshitcanned Thu 13-Oct-16 10:59:18

Yanbu. The children will notice too that he doesn't particularly care about them and they'll know they can't go to him. It's not a nice way to live for any of them or you.

kissmethere Thu 13-Oct-16 10:59:54

I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who treated my children as separate to me. He obviously sees them as not his responsibility. Why isn't your ex paying maintenance? It could be your dp resents this.
However I don't like the sound of all the separate billing. It's petty. I would cancel I'm afraid.

eyebrowsonfleek Thu 13-Oct-16 11:00:56

I would cancel too.
It sounds like he is a good guy who would make a good uncle but I couldn't marry someone who wouldn't even "babysit" .

LagunaBubbles Thu 13-Oct-16 11:01:07

This attitude he has to your DCs just wouldnt work when you're married. The shopping thing and meals payments is just mad!

BastardGoDarkly Thu 13-Oct-16 11:03:44

What?! No, I couldn't live like that, do you think all that will change when you get married? It's very weird.

Get their Dad to pay maintenance, and dp to move out, and Just date.

BantyCustards Thu 13-Oct-16 11:04:01

Cancel.

Vulty Thu 13-Oct-16 11:07:03

That's not a family, I'm sorry. I think you need to sit down for a wee chat. When you got together surely he understood you and the kids are a package. He should love your kids as he does you, maybe it will take time something you might need to work on. My OH and I got together nearly 2 years ago. Ex has always gave me hell and my daughter now sees him in a contact centre due to violence issues so hardly on the scene. My oh has basically been her father. He spends a fortune on her and when we go out to eat we fight over who's paying. He stays 3 nights a week and pays for some dinners and buys things for the house etc. I also agree with what didijustgetwink said. Hope it works out okay for you

Chocolate123 Thu 13-Oct-16 11:08:50

You and kids come as a package either he accepts that or not would be a deal breaker for me. I couldn't live like that.

Jackiebrambles Thu 13-Oct-16 11:09:53

Cancel.

This is no where near good enough for your children.

Mildinsanity Thu 13-Oct-16 11:11:56

I cannot have anymore DC so thankfully one less issue and EX doesnt work (wont work) and Id rather not rock the boat.
I cope financially ok but I am a bit miffed that I have to.
I pay all the bills etc in the house, buy the food etc DP gives me a certain amount each month which Im ok with but its his logic behind it I disagree with and the fact all responsibilty falls on me that I have an issue with.

Exactly Fairybella I have 2 lives, I dont know how I can carry on with it now.
Id be gutted to cancel the wedding, he is the most loving, kind and gentle person I have met and in every other way he is awesome but this one issue is the one thing I would throw it away over because my DC come first

ZigZagIntoTheBlue Thu 13-Oct-16 11:13:06

Honestly? I would've thought twice about accepting the proposal. How does he think married life will work?!

PansyGiraffe Thu 13-Oct-16 11:13:36

"but he chose to take me knowing I have 4 children and we come as a package."

And yet he doesn't treat you all like you come as a package, does he?

AddictedtoSnickers Thu 13-Oct-16 11:13:38

A friend of mine has recently split with her partner of 5 years for a similar reason. He didn't want his money funding things for her 2 children and critised any of HER own non essential spending on them. Either you are a family unit or you aren't. Seems he doesn't want to be. Sorry OP but unless he can change I would agree with other posters.

Isitjustmeorisiteveryoneelse Thu 13-Oct-16 11:14:35

Their Dad doesn't pay maintenance, because? Is there genuine reason? If not, maybe there's a level of resentment from DP that if he sets a precedent and starts paying now their DF will never step up to his financial responsibilities? I get that their DF is involved with them and EX and DP get on but maybe he feels it's not ok that he should be working full time to support four DCs he did not father when their biological DF isn't contributing. Maybe if their DF did start contributing financially then your DP might start to as well?

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