AIBU to smack this intrusive hand away?

[jayisforjessica]

I'm 20 weeks pregnant with twins, and I'm the first to admit it: I'm getting to be a big girl! I do have quite a big round belly.

I have this group of friends who tend to be quite touchy feely, much more so than me personally. They're not bad people, but I've always sort of made my boundaries clear: If I come in for a hug, I want one, but until then, please assume I don't. And this has never been an issue. I used my words, asked for what I needed, and they willingly gave it.

Until now.

Somehow, being pregnant has opened the floodgates of what appears to be their thinly veiled desire to pet me. Every time I hang out with these friends, I have to tell them over and over, please, do not touch my belly. Please, I don't want to be petted and stroked. Please, I do love you, but I need you to keep your hands to yourself. Most of them have been great, but one woman (C, for argument's sake) just wouldn't let up, insisting that she was "only showing some love for [her] pregnant sister" and once again rubbing my belly despite my repeated clear and direct requests that she stopped.

I slapped her hand away.

She was outraged and immediately went into pout and sulk mode. I, on the other hand, think she's being completely unreasonable and childish. I TOLD her multiple times I didn't want to be touched. I TOLD her that I needed her to keep her hands to herself. She CHOSE to ignore those requests. It's my feeling that she deserved what she got (a little slap on the hand).

Our friends are somewhat divided. Some of them agree with me - that C is notorious for not respecting boundaries and they're proud of me for sticking up for myself. Others say "well, C's just like that, there was no call to hit her". Well, to that I say, I was not the one who made the first (clearly unwanted) physical contact. Was I?

For the record, this isn't the first time I've had issues with C. She has similar boundary issues around children "Oh, give Aunty C a hug" (whether the child wants to or not). DS, from the age of about 2-6, was afraid of her - would literally ask me to pick him up rather than face her.

[ThatGingerOne]

I think we all know the the C stands for Good on you! YANBU.

[Dontpanicpyke]

Yeuk I hate people who stand too close or paw me. She sounds weird. Don't blame you if she wants to stroke things tell her to get a dog.

[MommaGee]

Absolutely right to slap and I'm a huge fondler of pregnant tummies when I'm allowed but only with consent. Also loved having my tummy petted but only by people I like. If you kept petting her boobs and she said no it'd be harassment. Maybe one to try if there's a next time!

[Yoarchie]

Depends on how hard you hit her I think!

[BrainPrions]

I have to be firm about boundaries for my parents and in laws with my kid. They want to force hugs when she says no. I have to step in and say that if she says no, then no hug. I was the bad guy starting out, but now they respect it and "coincidentally" get a kid that's excited to see them and gives them more hugs now that it's on her terms.

Soon it will be "You know how Jayisforjessica is, just don't touch her C".

[SailingThroughTime]

YANBU
You told her not to do it and she went ahead regardless. She has no right to touch you against your will. As for 'C's just like that so you have to put up with it' bugger that. You're just like that so C will just have to put up with it.

[jayisforjessica]

You know I only had to watch C pick up my squirming, protesting, wailing son and hug him despite his clear (if pre-verbal) cues that he did not want to hug her ONCE.

One time was enough for me to really enforce the boundaries around DS. He's twelve now and still tends to stick to the other side of any room C is in. She refers to him as grumpy and antisocial, when that couldn't be further from the truth! He's a lovely, social, gregarious little boy - just not with her, because she has consistently demonstrated that she refuses to respect his boundaries. I just know she's going to start telling everyone that DS "gets his grumpiness and antisocial behavior from his mother. I mean all I was doing was showing her some love and she HIT me for no reason I could see!"

I guess I'm just wondering why it was so easy to go to bat for him, and why I'm second guessing defending myself.

[jayisforjessica]

Depends on how hard you hit her I think!

It was the barest of slaps, more of a swat to get her hand off me. Certainly not enough to bruise - her hand wasn't even red. I've spanked DS's hand harder when he was trying to touch the stove!

[RattieOfCatan]

I'd have done the same, I hate being touched and tolerate hello and goodbye hugs because it's generally accepted by society but avoid it where possible! I'd get super arsey about anybody forcing unwanted interaction on my child as well. Maybe she'll actually learn her lesson now!

[WooWooChooChoo]

YANBU, I hate being touched too. Luckily nobody tried this with me because I'm rubbish at standing up for myself.

Out of interest are you in the U.K.? I just wonder because your friend sounds very over the top in her need to touch and as a nation we are notoriously reserved! Could it be just a different culture?

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

YADNBU.

It doesn't matter if that's "just the way she is" - I always refer back to the Anne of Green Gables book series for this one (I think it's Anne of Avonlea, but not quite sure) - just because it's "her way", doesn't mean she should inflict it on everyone. If she had a "way" of going round sticking pins in everyone, would everyone just accept that as "just her way"? No of course they wouldn't! And they shouldn't just allow her to get away with "just her way" of intrusive and unwanted touching. It's RUDE! Disrespectful too.

[jayisforjessica]

Out of interest are you in the U.K.?

New Zealand, actually! Gosh, I hope it's okay that I'm here...

ThumbWitchesAbroad Thank you! That's a wonderful quote and one I may use next time one of C's supporters tries to shame me into backing down.

I just got another text from a mutual friend saying "C is so upset and can't understand why you hate her so much". I don't... hate... her? I just wasn't prepared to deal with her continual ignoring of my boundaries?

[Mummyoflittledragon]

C is a drama queen. It sounds as though sticking up for yourself may divide the group. She's playing the victim right now and could well become the aggressor. What are you intending to do?

[ChuckBiscuits]

'c is a drama llama and if she actually respected my boundaries she wouldnt have got what was actually a tiny slapped wrist. Next time, she might get a punch in the face so hopefully she keeps her hands off me in future'.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Glad you like it!

And of course it's ok for you to be here - we have lots of people from other countries on this site, some of us are expats in other countries, and others are yer ackshual forriners in forrin lands - either way, you're welcome
Have a (non-alcoholic, of course ) and some .

C, I agree, is being a drama llama. Unless she has learning difficulties, it's really not hard to understand "don't touch me" - although you might want to rephrase that to "keep your hands to yourself" (better to phrase in the positive rather than the negative, so they can't claim to have "not heard" the "Don't" aspect of the sentence)

[Narnian]

I agree thumb. The "that's how he/she is" or "you know what he/she is like" is such a bloody lazy way of excusing bad behaviour.

This has been used by a relative numerous times to excuse another relatives bad behaviour and it infuriates me.

Jay if she pats you again, bite her hand instead and blame it on your hormones (not really).

[Penfold007]

I'd be reviewing my friendship with C but I'm a very untouchy person

[madgingermunchkin]

Just say something along the lines of "if C were a man, who was continually touching my bum, despite me repeatedly asking him not too, would you have a go at me for swatting his hand away?
Unwanted touching is harassment. I have asked her repeatedly not too. Everyone else seems to respect my boundaries, why can't she?"

[LifeLong13]

I think you've been perfectly reasonable. I would've twatted her full on.

[WizzardHat]

You're definitely not being U.

[ConvincingLiar]

Yanbu at all. She needs to get a grip. Your request was perfectly reasonable. She is shit stirring now. Rise above it, but by all means respond to emphasise what actually happened (rather than the melodrama she's peddling).

[ZuleikaDobson]

In an ideal world you'd have pushed her hand rather than slapped it away, but I agree she really isn't in a position to get all injured about it.

[HermioneWeasley]

Tell your stirring "friend" that you're very upset that C touched you after you asked her not to and left you no choice but to defend yourself. Why does she not think your boundaries should be respected?

Women have the right to decide who touches them, for whatever reason.

Jeez, is your friend C the friend who likes to be cuddled to sleep (different thread)? Surely there can't be two of these boundary ignoring weirdos?