To be inceasingly irritated by this friend(13 Posts)
This is an AIBU and a request for advice.
I have a friend, we've known one another at a distance for a few years but got closer due to living near each other and having some shared interests etc.
She doesn't have family nearby and going through a horrible divorce.
Our DDs also similar in age and enjoy playing together.
However, I feel increasingly drained. she messages me constantly about what her husband has / hasn't done, there is hardly ever a hi, how are you, she will just launch into it.
She will also turn up and launch straight into her monologue about whatever the latest frustration is regardless of what I'm doing, who else is in my house or what I'm doing with my child etc.
I really really like her and know she is very stressed but I'm feeling increasingly irritated with the invasion and lack of awareness of others.
I had a little get together with friends last week, one who has a life limiting condition and she was coming out with histrionics like 'I can't live like this, my life is so bad'
Everyone understands and wants to support and be there for her but it's getting hard to feel any empathy because there is room for nothing else.
AIBU for feeling like this? I really want to stay feeling positive and friendly but it's feeling difficult to tolerate the continual invasions of histrionics.
I am trying to set boundaries gently but she seems to take it personally a bit and responds it's veiled insults.
I haven't shared this with anyone, but I'm struggling. I feel sad as I like and value our friendship. Perhaps it'll be easier when the divorce is through, however she is locked into drama with her husband and I feel like I can't take anymore.
I had the exact same thing with someone I thought was a very good friend. I tried my best for a long time (2 years) but when I was in dire straits, she was nowhere to be seen & didn't contact me to see if I was ok.
I understand maybe she couldn't handle my stuff on top of her own, but after 2 years, the drama never died down in any way & I realised I was getting very little out of the friendship.
We haven't fallen out, but there's a lot more distance now than previously.
YANBU. I'd really struggle to deal with this. I have sympathy to some extent but it runs out pretty fast with people like this. I can't abide 'woe is me' types.
My MIL was horrendous when she went through her divorce. We had sympathy to a point, I listened, I made DH go and see her, she came over. I did get fed up though as it was sooo draining and I have a long term illness and if she ever asked how I was and I said I hadn't been feeling great, all I ever get is "oh well never mind" to everything that isn't "fine". She never ever asked how the DCs were or anytning about them. It's all about her. 2 years she dragged it out for. Now of course that she has moved on, we hardly see or hear from her and she certainly doesn't visit .
I don't want to be unkind but she's behaving like that because you enable it. Stop her when she launches into a monologue. Tell her not today, you can't lend an ear. I'm sure she'll be offended and flounce off ... But guess what? Once she was feeling more positive about her life, she was going to either flounce off anyway or start with dating drama/ex drama. You've been pigeon holed into her "venting" friend and now serve as her audience. You need to break that perception.
Gourd. That's what I need to hear! She is doing it to everyone though so I'm not special ;)
I did say that to her a few weeks ago and she apologised and kept it together for a few days. I'm going to have to keep it up aren't I?
i had this with a friend. Everytime she phoned or visited she would launch straight into her woes. When she went through good periods i never heard from her.
It became so draining that in the end i snapped, she flounced and i never looked back.
I apologise in her behalf, I'm sure I put quite a good number of friends through the same drama when I was getting divorced and my child put through hell and back by his dad.
The sense of injustice she may be feeling can be such that she feels the need to prove how bad her ex is behaving. But for the sake of the friendship, it may be a good idea to let her talk for a bit and then change the tone of the conversation into the positive points of getting divorced or talking about unrelated things.
If she doesn't take the hint, or if she is so terribly rude not to ask how are you and your children or listening to you... well, friendships have to both ways so... if she is not giving back much, it may be only fairy to start making excuses and avoiding her as much as you want.
I was probably like that throughout my last big breakup. I found out who my real friends were! I've listened to other friends who have been similar throughout their break ups. They've calmed down when they've got over the shock and hurt.
I'm hoping she'll calm --the fuck --down. She is lovely, incredibly generous and bright person.
I am ignoring the selfies she sends me too. 😁
I have recently slowly extricated myself from a friendship like the one you describe. Answering the phone to her meant kissing away an hour of my time and it was always one sided rants, often things I'd heard before. Then I had a time of need. Guess what? Not there.
Another friend has recently had a baby and I had a mild ticking off from her spouse about "lack of interest shown" (yes, really)
Nevermind how the last 10 years of our friendship has consisted of a lot of her drama which she is good at creating when it doesn't need to exist (mostly involving herself in shit that doesn't concern her) followed by a full year of wedding prep, but when I had shit hit the fan? Again fucking nowhere.
YANBU OP. And you won't see her for dust when she starts dating (unless she needs childcare!) I have had enough of being a listening ear for people who don't listen to me.
I had a friend like this.
She was so self absorbed she could never stop talking about herself no matter what. I was on the phone not long after my DM died (i.e. Before the funeral) and even then it was all about her. Even when I srarted crying she didn't draw breath, far less say anything comforting. Nope, just kept on talking about herself.
some people just want an audience. A captive audience.
I feel really sad and hope that isn't the case. I really do.
I'm in a new phase and am so much better with boundaries and not being a fucking doormat, I don't want to have done it again.
I hope she'll chill out. She's always banging on about how she's one of the top xxxxx in the country (she is talented) and will tell anyone immediately. I think TBH she's so stressed she's just holding herself together however she can. I've just had enough and need some mental space.
My closest friend spend some time together at weekend, she's also in transition but we just had a bloody laugh and banter. So much healthier.
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