Ds excluded from school for an accident, but his own bruises were never dealt with....

(37 Posts)
isitmeorthem12 Sun 09-Oct-16 12:11:58

Had another thread about DSs school but now it's another issue angry

Ds tells me from time to time x,y,z happens (throwing his cap around, or just general playground stuff) . I have a few children and it all seems relatively normal to me, I don't go charging into the school or whatever .

So, ds comes home win a nasty bruise on his leg and says X (head boy - mums head of the PTA too) had kicked him on purpose. Alongside some 11+ "confusion" where he was taken out of 11+ practise because the school assumed he wasn't taking it, whereas he was taking it but had never informed me that they took it in the school. This was the day before his exam and the whole class was laughing at him saying he wasn't good enough to take the exam.

Anyway, the head was waiting by the door on Friday for me and asked to see me. I went up and she said ds had done something very serious - he had blocked a younger boy (moved to the right as they moved to the left etc) and in the end the boys had bumped his head on the door frame (think he was coming out of the toilet ?) an accident form was completed as it was a "head injury" and Ds was asked not to return the next day as he "couldn't be trusted". I agreed to this (obviously messing around isn't good) but when I pointed out what has happened over the past few weeks to Ds she said it was "investigated". However they have never even spoke to my Ds about the bruise . They always deny all knowledge of anything I tell them (apparently they never knew he was sitting his 11+ despite me several times discussing it with them etc etc.)

Now I have a meeting tomorrow about my Ds "behaviour" when it was me who raised concerns about then telling him to clean up his own vomit one day, allowing my ex to have my email address etc.

And she keeps telling me how big a deal it is having to take time from her day to see me tomorrow morning , how another teacher had to leave their class etc. hmm

I feel like they are trying to turn everything round on my Ds suddenly when the spotlight is on them - I had overheard the office staff apologising to someone who she had insulted via email (she had written something rude about the person and forgot to delete it before sending) so I realise now it's not just me, it's their whole attitude (they make sarky emails and calls to me).

Is the school BU? (Again !)

mikado1 Sun 09-Oct-16 12:18:50

I think the school is BU (haven't read your other threads).

I think though that you now need to be more particular of incidences that aren't big deals, as you see it, and take note so you're up on everything. I think exclusion for blocking is OTT personally but maybe it was very rough/nasty.

Tbh the school seems v unprofessional 're emails and calls so I would prob be rethinking keeping my child there, not sure how practical /realistic a move is.

MatildaTheCat Sun 09-Oct-16 12:24:23

I saw your other thread in which you listed a raft of grievances including that you felt the school looked down on you. I would be questioning whether you want to improve relations or move to a school where you both feel more comfortable.

They may be right, you may be right, there may be areas where each side could have acted differently. The question is, do you want to work at it or keep complaining and feeling affronted?

LIZS Sun 09-Oct-16 12:30:46

I agree with Matilda. Do you have any alternatives locally where you might feel a better fit. Do you have previous experience of independent schools? This school sounds tiny in comparison with many and culturally rather odd. A bit above itself perhaps. Maybe ds and you would be happier doing y6 elsewhere. Maybe time to cut your losses, ideally negotiate to leave with no fees in lieu of notice.

CheeseCakeSunflowers Sun 09-Oct-16 12:46:38

Ask the head for a copy of their complaints procedure. This should list who you can contact going up the chain of command. It will probably be the chairman of the governors next then the local authority. If you are unhappy with the head's response write a letter or email the governors, however just asking for the details might make the head realise that you are not prepared to be walked over.

Mummyoflittledragon Sun 09-Oct-16 12:51:29

So he sat his exam right? That's good.

Yes it sounds like your ds is being singled out. I'd take them to task and if you're still unhappy, keep going higher. Find out the complaints procedure, keep notes, document everything and go for the jugular.

isitmeorthem12 Sun 09-Oct-16 12:51:58

Not really alternatives as such , but I am reluctant to move with only a few months to go before his secondary school love, however the problems appear to be spiralling. I was leaning towards giving them the benefit of the doubt last time and just backing off , as I didn't want to open myself up to further problems with my ex also (they don't keep anything private) but now they have swung round and seem to be trying to set Ds up to look like a hooligan/liar/untrustworthy. I'm forever getting accident forms home from my other dc but have never heard of an exclusion. The head said herself he was messing around with the kid, it wasn't like he went over and punched him in the head. I have no problem with Ds having a punishment however if he's caused soemoencan to get hurt, even via messing around , but nothing has ever be done when he himself has been hurt more. I want to be clear of all doubt before I see them on Monday, as I do have a tendency to back down to avoid confrontation.

She called Ds into the office afterwards (I had told her (again) about what he's been through at school being thrown into thorns/teased/kicked etc) and she said to him "I hear you're gonna through Alot AT HOME "..... ???!!!!! He nodded because that's kinda what you do as a kid Infront of your head teacher but it looks more like subtle manipulation to me. He has no problem at home, bar them allowing my ex to cancel the assessment I set up but Ds knows nothing about this !

It's a shame I have to go alone to these meetings, they end up denying everything afterwards

thisismeusernameything Sun 09-Oct-16 12:54:07

Just move him. You are causing yourself so much unnecessary aggrevation.

LIZS Sun 09-Oct-16 12:57:25

Why go alone? You can always follow it up with an email confirming your discussion. Honestly, doing the last 2 terms of primary elsewhere might provide positive respite before senior, or look for a prep which does y 7 and 8. Are your other dc at different schools?

Saffronesque Sun 09-Oct-16 13:07:01

Schools can be funny environments, where they close ranks against a perceived outsider. You can fight against it, move DS1 or home ed. Or, obviously sit tight & be very stressed.

I would do as PP said, take a friend if possible, but definitely email a record afterwards. Look to negotiating leaving with no fees in lieu. Focus on your upcoming case & of course, the assessment for your son.

tinytemper66 Sun 09-Oct-16 13:26:11

You must take someone with you. Take notes and get your friend to do the same.

Mummyoflittledragon Sun 09-Oct-16 13:32:40

I've had a run in with the school. The head had the audacity to tell me they were doing almost everything right when they'd in fact completely fucked up. They do close ranks and spurt untruths when needs be. It's to protect themselves, I'm sure. Had anything happened to my dd, they would have been sued for negligence as they were aware of a diagnosed medical condition and didn't take steps to protect her in swimming lessons. I cannot tell you how many emails flew between the head and me or the sleepless nights for something so easily resolvable but never got resolved until I finally got dd signed off swimming through the cardiologist.

So yes, you may be in for a big fight.

Italiangreyhound Sun 09-Oct-16 13:33:24

I think the school is Being VERY Unreasonable (haven't read your other threads).

I would make a very clear list of issues, starting with the more minor things and leading up to (the biggest issues in your mind) or listing them in chronological order.

Revealing your email to your ex was completely unprofessional and could for some people be very serious.

The whole bumping heads thing was an accident, IMHO children should not be excluded for such things, get a copy of their policy on exclusions etc (might be on their website, you could also request one by email before the meeting. Make sure they are keeping to their own policy (they may not be).

The whole thing with 11+ sounds a complete fiasco, get them to tell you what happened, clearly and concisely before you rush in to comment, was there some step missed, in them asking you or informing you or in your doing something.

Always get their side first, perhaps in writing, and then explain how you explained things. Do not reveal everything in one go, because they can then brush it all under the carpet and leave you grubbing around for 'facts'. Get their 'facts' first, make notes as you meet with them. Have your own notes on how you experienced things.

The class laughing at your ds was wrong, did the teacher speak to the children about this at the time. Be sure of your facts. Children can exaggerate and lie (mine do) but they can also tell the truth!

Don't bring in anyone else, rumors you have heard, or things you know about other parents, teachers or situations (I am sure you know this, it will only muddy the waters).

Re " I didn't want to open myself up to further problems with my ex also (they don't keep anything private) but now they have swung round and seem to be trying to set Ds up to look like a hooligan/liar/untrustworthy. "

They absolutely should know what can be kept private and what cannot (e.g. your email address). It may be that they need to tell your ex things about your son, they are obliged to, if he also has parental responsibility.

I do not know your situation with your ex but can you work together at least in terms of how you resound to the school, for the sake of your son? If things happen at school can you tell your ex before the school gets in touch.

If emails are an issue, I would personally investigate a separate email address for school, and another for your ex, and a third for everyone else. This is annoying but very easy to set up.

Re "I do have a tendency to back down to avoid confrontation." try reading up on the internet about assertiveness, this is not aggression, it is assertiveness, putting your point across clearly and fairly, speaking calming. I would pepper my comments with 'How can this be resolved, fairly." Etc. That is not confrontation on your part.

If the other person/people are being confrontational, I would listen carefully to what they say and think about my response. I would not feel rushed into stepping aside. As Saffronesque says I would also try and take a friend or family member with me for moral support if you have one.

Mummyoflittledragon Sun 09-Oct-16 13:33:26

And please don't back down. This is your son. He deserves better than they are giving.

Italiangreyhound Sun 09-Oct-16 13:39:59

Just a reminder, your aim is to get the best situation for your son, not to score points and not to avoid conflict. You also want to be heard and want to know they are taking on board what you are saying. If they do not take any notes during the meeting they will not really remember all that was said. Even if they do take notes, I would email them the main points of what you said after the meeting.

Re "She called Ds into the office afterwards (I had told her (again) about what he's been through at school being thrown into thorns/teased/kicked etc) and she said to him "I hear you're gonna through Alot AT HOME "..... ???!!!!!"

OK so there is bullying too, make sure you know the bullying policy and make it clear that you know it, and that these things are not happening at home. Was this incident in school time, on school premises, on the way home? Make it clear because if it is children from his school doing it then even if it happens on the way home the school have a part to play in dealing with this.

Re "bar them allowing my ex to cancel the assessment I set up but Ds knows nothing about this !"
The government guidelines on this are at:

www.gov.uk/government/publications/preventing-and-tackling-bullying

Please download them and print out, read them before the meeting and take them with you.

Regarding the assessment - I do not know all about this but it if this is needed please make sure this is reinstated. If you dh does not think it is relevant and you do, ask to speak to someone from the ed psych department or for your child to be seen by the ed psych or for some sort of assistance from school to resolve this. Because it is clearly in the schools best interests to discover of there are any issues .

Good luck. flowers and if you ds will go up to high school next year, have hope! I thought my dd would never cope with high school, she started last month, has dyslexia and autistic tendencies and is very emotional at home BUT has coped really well and loves it. I would focus (in your shoes) on making the last 10 months of primary as bearable as possible. If this is not going to work explore new schools now. Moving to a new school 10 months before high school is not ideal but it might be better for your dh if the new school can prepare him better for high school. I do not know anything about the whole 11+ thing so you may want to wait until this is sorted. Sorry but I just don't know about 11+.

Italiangreyhound Sun 09-Oct-16 13:42:04

Sorry that got jumbled up, the guidelines are on bullying not assessment so it should read...

"The government guidelines on this are at:

www.gov.uk/government/publications/preventing-and-tackling-bullying

Please download them and print out, read them before the meeting and take them with you.

Regarding the assessment -

Re "bar them allowing my ex to cancel the assessment I set up but Ds knows nothing about this !"

Hope it makes sense!

youarenotkiddingme Sun 09-Oct-16 14:18:17

Recently been in your situation.

School won't back down - when they can't rid a pupil through policies they attack parents. It's draining.

Keep a log, email to confirm everything, clarify they said stuff via email - move your DS and complain.

I've given DS school enough rope through not fighting their every lie - they've hung themselves. They are still claiming to be right - but I'm just exhausting the complaints system so I can go above them.

Allthewaves Sun 09-Oct-16 16:08:53

If he's done 11+ I'd be tempted to pull him and home school

Atenco Sun 09-Oct-16 16:27:21

Just move him. I know a boy who was moved in the last year of primary school because of bullying and he thrived. If I remember rightly you are paying them to treat you and him like this.

JellyBelli Sun 09-Oct-16 16:34:27

If they have blocked your son from sitting the 11+ then take that further as soon as you can.
And the other things sound like favouritism at best. I'd want to follow those up as well. They dont sound very professional.

NynaevesSister Sun 09-Oct-16 17:39:36

They can't just tell you he can't come in! That's an illegal exclusion. There is a process to follow and you must be given notice in writing.

I am assuming here that this is a state school.

Please go to the Primary School board and post there. It's Education - Primary School. There are experts who can give you excellent advice here.

What the school has done is wrong. Very very wrong.

LIZS Sun 09-Oct-16 17:59:02

Iirc it is an independent school. Even so there should be a behaviour policy published and followed, for all children. They are failing your Ds, both in safeguarding and supporting him. Focus on that and the outcome you want to achieve at the meeting.

confuugled1 Mon 10-Oct-16 09:54:49

I'd also be telling them that you're going to record your meetings and will send them the minutes afterwards and that they are welcome to do the same, that is to protect both parties to ensure that there is an accurate record of the meeting. If they don't want the meeting recorded ask them very nicely what they are objecting to, that you are not going to publish it publicly but just want to ensure there is an accurate record as you are concerned that in the past they deliberately changed things were talking at cross purposes and they hsven't followed up on your concerns.

I'd also follow up every bit of contact with them with an email to create a paper trail of what you said to them.

And in the case where you raised issues of bullying at school and they turned it into issues of him having issues at home I"d get a letter in very quickly to say that on xxx you met with nnn to discuss your concerns about ds being repeatedly bullied in school and was reassured that she would deal with the situation. You were horrified to discover that when they spoke to yoyr son they only appeared to ask him about worries at home which has now created worries for him where he had none before. And that neither nnn nor the school seem to have done anything about dealing with the bullies. You are asking them again to know what plans they have to deal with the bullying that your ds has been on the end of and to ensure they keep him safe as at the moment they are failing in their duty to safeguard your son, to the point that you feel that the school condones and encourages the other students to pick on and wind up your ds to his detriment - eg the pulling him out of the 11+ prep classes despite having had several conversations with you regarding him taking the 11+.

Good luck - hope today's meeting goes well and remember to be the one to create the paper trail so that it accurately reflects what you talked about so they can't twist it later.

Scarydinosaurs Mon 10-Oct-16 10:10:41

You're paying for your son to be treated like this?

Move him. They aren't following the correct procedures regarding exclusions etc at all. Think of his school record that will follow him to secondary, and what this will do to his self esteem.

Italiangreyhound Mon 10-Oct-16 17:06:37

isitme, how did it go today? I really hope it went well.

We are with you, there has been lots of good advice here and I really hope you will have been able to make your case.

If you really are paying the school for this ultra shite treatment I might even consider suing them, but not until your son is away from that place.

Your first priority is making the school change the situation for him, IMHO, but I would also be looking at other options for him. They are only back a few weeks, it is not too late to move him if you feel it is right to do so.

If he is unhappy, being bullied, being treated badly by teacher and school and potentially going to be academically affected then what is there to lose in moving him?

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