Annoyed with DD, her friends, their parents

(156 Posts)
ILoveAGoodBrusselSprout Sun 09-Oct-16 10:04:49

So last night DD, 15, went to a party at her best friend's house. They live locally, I trust the parents, there is no issue re the party.

When these events occur, the parents of 3 other girls and I take turns picking up DCs at the end (usually around midnight). I get a little fed up about it as I do more than my fair share, but I don't really mind as long as I know DD is safe.

I've been unwell recently and doc has not signed me off to drive yet, so I'm not covered by insurance and am actually not fit to drive in an emergency stop situation. In addition to that we have younger DCs (11, 3 & 3) and DH was working nightshift. In a nutshell, I couldn't do the pick up. I've done the last two so was sure one of the other parents would step in.

So despite DD asking friends, and me pestering her with text messages to find out the situation, there was no offer of a lift home. The other girls didn't know how they were getting home (I assume they just expected me to come anyway, despite being told it would be impossible).

To be honest, DD is notoriously bad for this type of organisation and, although she tells me she fully explained the situation to them, there is a chance she didn't explain it well enough (or at all !)

In the end, I had no choice but to leave my little kids home alone (for around 7 minutes) and drive (completely illegally) to collect her, only finding out when I got there that one of the other parents were picking up the other girls (this had only been arranged very late when it became clear I wouldn't be doing it).

I am furious to be put in that position and so relieved that everything turned out ok re the kids at home and driving. I feel sick thinking about what could have happened, but it was a case of 'the lesser evil'. I always make sure DD has an exit plan at these things (usually me collecting her) and always feel a responsibility to keep her friends safe too. I'm so disappointed that they nor their parents were prepared to help me out when I really need it.

WIBU to say I'll never give these girls a lift again? It would probably affect her friendship with them and definitely affect my 'relationship' with their parents. Or do I just suck it up?

Allthewaves Sun 09-Oct-16 10:07:47

Get the other parents numbers and ring them directly next time - not ideal as it's treating them more like they are 8 but will stop this is future

RavioliOnToast Sun 09-Oct-16 10:07:59

You should not have driven at all under those circumstances. A taxi would have been the better option for your DD. I'm actually shocked you left the 3 year olds home alone with an 11 year old. There was scope for a lot of things to go wrong there regardless of if they were sleeping.

Allthewaves Sun 09-Oct-16 10:08:01

Or a what's app group

AyeAmarok Sun 09-Oct-16 10:08:48

Could you not have just told her she wasn't going?

Unless she had a way to get home, that you could confirm with a parent, she doesn't go. That will give her the incentive to sort something.

RavioliOnToast Sun 09-Oct-16 10:09:02

But ywnbu to never pick them up again unless it is completely convenient for you. I.e husband at home, you're well.

LIZS Sun 09-Oct-16 10:09:42

Could you not check with other parents direct? I wouldn't rely on my 15yo to organise a late night lift on her own. She needs to learn that she cannot go out late unless she has a way to come home safely.

cardibach Sun 09-Oct-16 10:09:52

Never giving a lift again is probably overkill. I'd never let DD out without a planned exit strategy again, though. Mind you, I wouldn't have done that in the first place. When I go out I always know how I'm going to get home/where I'm going to stay and I'd expect DD to do the same. She's 20 and at University now, but I know when she's home and going out she always tells me her arrangements. Isn't that normal?

Fizzer123 Sun 09-Oct-16 10:11:12

If you/she didn't know how she as getting home she shouldn't have been going out. You've been a bit lax.

SmallBee Sun 09-Oct-16 10:11:39

I think next time this happens use a taxi and make it clear that you expect DD to pay you back for the cost, hopefully that'll encourage her to be a bit more organised.
You really shouldn't have driven but it's done now.
I'd perhaps give the other parents another chance if you think it's down to DD's poor communication but make yourself a bit less readily available.

Stevefromstevenage Sun 09-Oct-16 10:11:55

What were you thinking letting your DD go with no plan to get home. We had a similar arrangement growing up and our parents phoned each other to confirm. This situation was preventable and there is no excuse for you to drive without insurance cover.

MissDuke Sun 09-Oct-16 10:11:57

I cannot believe you did that! Tbh you sound far more irresponsible than the 15 yr old. I would have organised it before letting her go to be honest.

cloudyday99 Sun 09-Oct-16 10:13:33

You're probably best to tell DD that she is not allowed to go to parties in future unless she has a lift sorted for getting home. If she's just being crap, she'll get her act together. If her friends are rubbish, you could offer to liaise directly with their parents.

My DSD was very similar at 15,- demanded lifts from parties in the middle of nowhere and denied that anyone else who lived near us was going, and when DH or I arrived to pick her up we'd see people who we know live near us angry

HarrietSchulenberg Sun 09-Oct-16 10:15:39

The pick up journey took 7 minutes? How far away was the party and could the girls not have walked back together?

Dontpanicpyke Sun 09-Oct-16 10:15:47

No we always planned the return before our dds went anywhere.

Get a good local taxi company and use them. We did that with ours, they will text her phone with the cars details etc.

kate33 Sun 09-Oct-16 10:17:32

Wow, what a horrible stressful night you had op, I would be furious with the other parents. But and it's a big one, are you sure their girls relayed the details. At 15, parties are very important and did they think their parents wouldn't let them go if they couldn't get home. Does dd feel like she has to sort the lifts out? The thing that bothers me is that they eventually did come to pick up their dd's so your horrible journey could've been avoided. Did she text you to say their parents were coming after all?

DonaldStott Sun 09-Oct-16 10:18:59

Why could she not get a taxi and you pay when she arrived? Seems crazy to leave 3yr olds at home. I think you need to take some responsibility here that you allowed your dd to go out with no way of knowing how she was getting home.

LunaJuna Sun 09-Oct-16 10:19:32

When I was a teenager, this was the case with my parents- they always ended up picking everyone up. Mostly it was because the other parents were more laid back and didn't mind if my friends had to walk home confusedbut a lot of the blame was mine as I was never assertive enough (--because I don't like confrontation-- )---- to say to my friends " it's your parents turn"!!
If you continue doing, you'll always be expected to do it but it's better to talk to the other parents before stopping the lifts . Were you not in touch them last night?

Nocabbageinmyeye Sun 09-Oct-16 10:20:02

Surely it's as simple as no arrangement then she doesn't go? She wouldn't be long sorting it out then, although i don't see the harm in a group text "who is on lift duty tonight? I am out as dh is on nights and I can't leave the smallies"

I would never leave my kids alone by day or night but doing so when you cannot drive properly was completely reckless, as was the driving itself. I tho k you need to learn to say no to your dd, she didn't have to go. I know it wasn't your question but your behaviour last night was totally unreasonable

rollonthesummer Sun 09-Oct-16 10:21:11

I would not have let my 15 year old out without knowing how she wS getting home. I would never have left young children alone in the house either.

So what did you say to these other parents when you turned up at midnight to find other parents already there collecting? You had already told the girls that you had young children you couldn't leave and you were not medically allowed to drive, yet there you were!!?

CinderellaFant Sun 09-Oct-16 10:23:32

If the journey (there and back presumably) only took 7 mins -why didn't she walk?

It was very irresponsible driving when not fit to drive and leaving 3 year olds home alone! Anything could have happened-especially considering you aren't fit to drive!

LagunaBubbles Sun 09-Oct-16 10:23:54

You shouldnt have driven, why didn't you contact one of the other parents, you risked your own health plus if you had had an accident and injured someone else they would have had a hell of a time because you were an uninsured driver!

Heirhelp Sun 09-Oct-16 10:23:58

The police in our area run a campaign called keys, phone and plans to get home. Your daughter needs to be aware of this. I would not have left 3 yrs old with an 11 yr old especially as your older daughter was in a place of safety.

Holdtheslaw Sun 09-Oct-16 10:24:51

I actually think you should be ashamed of yourself for leaving your little ones asleep like that!

Meadows76 Sun 09-Oct-16 10:28:29

I wouldn't have made arrangements for my 15yo, she can do that herself, as can she phone a taxi if she needs one. I'm not surprised your 15yo is a bit laid back regarding arrangements when you behave so irresponsibly. I wouldn't ever refuse to give a lift to my teens freinds whether their parents took a turn or not tbh, so long as they all get home safe.

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