To mention not getting a birthday gift?

[Mrbluethecatt]

Sorry, I need to give some context.

It's my older brother's significant birthday next month. He lives in a different country to most of our family (by choice). He has been making a big song and dance about his birthday since last year. He has been reminding people and even suggested that we start saving. He is going on a month's holiday with his DW afterwords and is treating himself to a new car. Which is great for him, he can do what he likes.

Initially wanted the whole family to fly out for dinner. Just dinner with us staying at a hotel. It would be a 3 hour mid week flight for 10 including 3 primary school children.

It would have been too expensive and hard to arrange leave for most of us so he has decided to come here as part of a long trip. He has already sent a list of preferred gifts to everyone. Cheapest one is £100. He expects to be taken out for dinner as well as a gift. He has been saying how important birthdays are and how we need to celebrate them.

Now the aibu. It was my birthday on Monday. It wasn't a significant one. I received no phonecall, text, card or gift from my brother on the day or since. I usually call him on a Sunday so not hearing from him during the week is normal.

Part of me wants to mention my birthday and his lack of marking it, especially given his expectations for his birthday. Aibu to mention anything about it?

[user1471544305]

Id definately mention it

[Frenchfemme]

I would say "Oh, so we're not doing birthdays this year then?!". When he queries this, say that as he ignored yours you quite reasonably assumed he was expecting the same treatment. And then follow through and get him nothing.

[Nanny0gg]

I think it would be nice to pay for his meal.

He can whistle for a present.

[Mildred007]

at your brother! Haha.
Ordinarily i'd say yabu but due to the song & dance he'said making about his own I'd probably make him aware he has forgotten to acknowledge your birthday YANBU.
Are you close to your brother? If so, I would send him a gift/wish list as a nudge to let him know Bet you can't wait for a significant birthday of your own so he can return the extravagance

[TimeIhadaNameChange]

Definitely mention it. Why should it be one rule for you and another for him?

[youngestisapsycho]

I'd be telling him to fuck right off! He expects to be taken out to dinner and be bought a present from a list he has provided.... are the rest of your family going along with this?

[pasturesgreen]

Your brother is behaving like a self-centred knob.

I wouldn't get him anything and I'd make sure he knew why.

[lightcola]

What is it with men and birthdays? My partner is like this. His birthday is super important but mine not so much. I would pay towards the meal, and buy a gift that's not on the list to really annoy him.

[shouldwestayorshouldwego]

buy a gift that's not on the list to really annoy him.

This is where MN comes into its own. So what does your brother not really like. The default would be an Oxfam Build a Bog, but we might be able to go one better with a bit more info.

[DelphiniumBlue]

He's clearly quite well off, isnt he, what with brand new car and a month long holiday. Is your income level similar? I only ask because in my family, the reaction would be hahahaha! 100 pounds minimum for a present plus paying for his meal??
However your financial situation may be such that its a comparatively reasonable amount to spend on a sibling's birthday. Either way, yes I would bring up the fact that he forgot your birthday. Probably by a text listing what presents you'd like.

[NicknameUsed]

"He has already sent a list of preferred gifts to everyone."

The sheer audacity of this sense of self entitlement takes my breath away. I would just tell him that you got him what he got you - nothing.

[Cherrysoup]

Did he seriously expect ten of ypu to fly put to celebrate his birthday? That's idiotic! Birthdays simply aren't important, IMO.

[RetroImp]

I'd ignore his birthday, like he did yours. He's not turning 10 FFS! Otherwise give him some charity contribution in his name. Something you care for.

[JosephineMaynard]

I'd definitely mention it under the circumstances.

If he wants a big fuss made of his birthday, then he should be acknowledging other people's birthdays.

[Peanutbutterpussycat]

Bet he is going to be 40!
My dp is 40 this month and has made quite a song and dance about it, I think it's to cover up the fact that he's dreading it

[SabineUndine]

He'd get a card from me and I might buy him a drink. No meal and definitely no gift. He sounds very keen on himself. Is the gift list a personal 'getting married to myself list'?

[BackforGood]

Nowt wrong with wanting to make a bit of a 'thing' about any of your birthdays, but you do it at your own expense, not other people's.

The £100 thing depends on what you normally spend. Here we tend to buy £15 presents, in which case he could whistle for it, but I know, there are lots of people who do send hundreds on presents for people, so bit difficult to judge on how reasonable or unreasonable that one is.

I'd still go for the "Oh, are we not doing birthdays this year" comment though, when speaking to him.

[LagunaBubbles]

Of course mention it!

[Planty18]

I would either mention it if you are bothered by it yourself, or if you are not, play the long game and return the favour. Alternatively, buy him one of those cycling helmets that look like Lego hair since he's acting like a child (although they're quite fun so maybe that's too nice)

[Trojanhorsebox]

He'd get a card from me and I might buy him a drink

Sounds good to me. My brother and I don't do birthday presents, just cards. If someone was throwing a big party I'd probably get a gift for them.

Adults with a decent income, which it sounds like he has if he can afford the holiday and car, shouldn't be sending out grabby gift lists like kids in the run up to Christmas. The fact he ignored or forgot your birthday says it all - not sure I'd be bothering with the dinner to be honest.

[LucyintheskywithRainbows]

Good luck op. Don't forget to let us know how your call goes 😉

[Italiangreyhound]

Mention it, or it will eat you up.

Your brother seems to have a lot of expectations, if you do not plan on giving him a £100 gift I would for-warn him, I'm getting you something nice but it is not off your list.

[KathArtic]

Club together with the rest of your family and purchase the £100 gift

[missm0use]

Buy yourself a present for the same amount you would normally have spent on him - when he questions why he's not gotten a present from you. Explain your gift to him was not having to buy you a present this year as you bought it yourself!

[bloodyteenagers]

I would wait until he arrived and at the restaurant. Where of course he will mention it again. I would act all suprised as it was agreed no gifts. Doesn't he remember, in the past year he has bought no gifts for you or your little family... oh his is different, oh
Well might as well call it even then. What with the cost of gifts for you, dc and dh should cover the cost of his gift and his meal.