This is completely horrible

(282 Posts)
whoisshe124 Wed 05-Oct-16 23:51:16

NC'd obvs.

DDad died around 7 years ago. Strong character. Much missed. Died far too young (67). This is relevant.... He was self-made (think a lesser Alan Sugar, i.e. came from nothing, set up his own business, made it a success. Not gazillions, but business still strong and still going)

My mum has some wealth (because of dad's business. She's worked - she's been really successful - but not at the same level dad achieved.

I have young parents. Mum was around 65 when he died. They'd been together since she was 13. Very, very sad.

My DM is a bit amazing. (I would say that.... I love her to pieces!). She's a counsellor.

My mum befriends people. People love her. She's a friend (unofficial carer) to about a million people. There's someone she knows who is a social outcast to people who know him/his history. He's been through the courts twice, and has been shunned by people who know about it because of it. I'm not going to say what it was because it's outing, but it's sexual crimes against the vulnerable. My mum is his friend. After dad died, he's lived with her when he had no where else to go (for about a year and a half). She sees through the crimes that other people can't to the person beneath, and they get on really well and enjoy each other's company. He is a year older than me. and I fucking hate him. pervy, creepy fuck that he is, but not going to say this cos it derails my own thread and is outing to him. Not that he deserves any privacy!

Earlier this year their relationship moved on a level, and they're now a couple, although they keep this very quiet. I nearly started threads about it on here, because it is doing my head in, but I kind-of knew that MN would tell me it was none of my business, so I didn't. And my mum's older, but not old/old, and has the right to enjoy the rest of her life. it is very hard when she gets 'giddy' and excited though. BUT none of my business. I do get it's none of my business

I was talking to mum today about money, because we are skint. DH has recently taken early retirement, and I work almost full-time, and in a massively satisfying job, but one which doesn't pay well. We have (finally) achieved good work/life balance, but it's not enough to pay the bills, and we're worried about it. We are NOT on the breadline.... I work with people in poverty, and that's not us. We can't afford treats and holidays (boo-hoo us! I do appreciate people are in far worse situations). But DD's birthday is in November and Christmas is coming, and I honestly don't know how we're going to get through them (we will, but it will be hard. Not foodbank hard, but hard).

So far, so first world. I do get I'm being first-world!

I was talking to mum today, and I was telling her about this. My mum is wealthy (because of dad's business). So firstly, mum was offering to give me some of my inheritance early, and inherit less as a way to solve our immediate issues. I really don't want this (a) it breaks my heart to think of my mum dying and (b) at my age and stage, I think we should be dealing with this ourselves and finding our own solutions.

But, while we were talking about money, she had something to suggest to me. She said it came from the best place and out of kindness, but that she knew I wouldn't see it that way, but was going to tell me in any case.

When she dies (urrrrgh, urrrrgh, urrrgh. This breaks me!) me and my sister (who are NC) will inherit both a reasonable amount of money and property. And the business (which also comes with both). Her delightful BF has suggested that me and my (NC) sister will pay less inheritance tax if she gives some money to him which he has told her he will give to us.

I don't want to sound grabby. And I told mum it was her money, and she was welcome to give it all to the local cat's home if that was what she wanted.
But isn't this fucking cunt prick fleecing her? He's TOLD her he'll give it to us. But he's under no obligation to.

If he didn't, or if he put conditions on it, we'd have no chance to report him, because it's a tax dodge (and so illegal). It also means he'd stay in our lives, which I couldn't countenance (I fucking hate him,and would want nothing to do with him if mum wasn't around. I feel this is a way for him to stay in our lives)

This is very horrible and base. I'm ashamed about it, because I feel it's reducing my mum to what I'd potentially inherit from her, which is horrendous for me. I don't want to live in a world without her in it. With or without money.

But if this creep stays around, I promise I want nothing to do with him after mum dies. I don't want him to have a hold over me, potentially dishing out the occasional tenner if I'm nice to him.

How can I tell my mother I think he's a chancer who's fleecing her, when she's happy? And there's SO much back-story I'm not mentioning about my sister, who's made mum's life a misery.

This is just horrible!

whoisshe124 Wed 05-Oct-16 23:52:43

sorry this was so long. Thank you for reading if you got this far!

DrBronnersWorstNightmare Wed 05-Oct-16 23:57:08

This is a truly horrible situation, leaving the money out of it entirely.

And yes, if he's trying to get your Mum to leave money to him then he's trying to fleece her. Also it won't impact the IHT as that's paid on the estate. Or is he trying to get your Mum to give him money now in order to give it to you? Still likely a fleece, and why would she not just give it to you directly?

He sounds like a truly nasty piece of work. Your poor Mum.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree Thu 06-Oct-16 00:01:04

Oh god that is horrible. I'm so sorry, I have no advice for you, other than talk to her, and take her up on her offer of having some of our dad's money early? Don't feel bad. Or tell her you're ethically fine with inheritance tax laws and the 'redistribution of wealth' principle. I don't know.

But how horrible for you - not because of the money, but because he's with your mum now.

Namechangenurseryconcerns Thu 06-Oct-16 00:01:19

Aside from all the horribleness (which does sound awful) I think I would accept your mum's offer of some/all of your inheritance now. That way you won't have to pay inheritance tax and she can see you benefiting from it.

Graceflorrick Thu 06-Oct-16 00:01:30

Sounds like your mum needs a will. God forbid he actually asks your mum to marry him, leaving him to inherit it all. sad

ShotgunNotDoingThePans Thu 06-Oct-16 00:02:09

I think with iht planning you can 'offload' gifts but if they're within seven years of the person dying the tax is still payable. So if he's or she is purely trying to avoid iht liability, there's no need to involve a middle man. I'm sure someone will come along and explain that properly!

e1y1 Thu 06-Oct-16 00:04:35

No, NBU.

As you say, it is up to your Mum, but if the option was taking money now and keeping the Man out of your life, I would take the money now.

Klkl Thu 06-Oct-16 00:19:55

Blimey, that reads like a novel. blush the idea of giving money to the guy so he can give it to you doesn't make sense.

My advice would be to Take the money now.

Nongoddess Thu 06-Oct-16 00:23:53

I don't usually post but I had to sympathise on this nightmare situation! How upsetting for you. Having just gone through death of my parents, though there was nothing like this involved, I will say take money now, it's not grabby, it's about letting her make a change in your lives which she will enjoy seeing. Why not? I wish we'd been a bit more upfront about inheritance - I so didn't want to confront them ever dying and as a result didn't organise anything properly. Get some tax advice (as other posters have said, IHT is paid on estate) and let's just hope they don't get married - because he could do all sorts of things then which might not be to your mum's advantage. Sympathy to you!

Sunshineonacloudyday Thu 06-Oct-16 00:26:33

Her delightful BF has suggested that me and my (NC) sister will pay less inheritance tax if she gives some money to him which he has told her he will give to us

What makes you think you will get that money he has no loyalties to you or your sister. He will most probably cut and run. What is the story of your sister and mother because your mother comes across as very needy.

Sunshineonacloudyday Thu 06-Oct-16 00:30:49

I feel pissed off for you your mum is lonely. Have you thought about moving her in with you.

Liiinoo Thu 06-Oct-16 00:31:46

I agree with PPs. He could be completely genuine and well intentioned......or not. If you accept your mum's generous offer of cash now, she will have the pleasure of seeing you benefit from her kindness and you have the benefit of knowing he won't ever have the chance of going against her wishes.

Realhousewivesofshit Thu 06-Oct-16 00:36:04

Take the money now

TinklyLittleLaugh Thu 06-Oct-16 00:38:33

Suggestyou both see a solicitor a and draw a wigan will. Fa tv is th that inheritnce expe depends ow much mone is left left, wh who is left to to. Yo re mum makes need th to inning out to her byoney she is offering n

Milklollies Thu 06-Oct-16 00:41:58

Take the money now- if your mom doesn't die in the next 7 years- you and your sister won't pay inheritance tax. Ask for the money now before that criminal gets his hand on it

Milklollies Thu 06-Oct-16 00:44:18

Shove your morals to one side and protect your fathers and mothers memory by serving their grandchildren with it! I think at a truly human level you want to take the money now and you have been socially conditioned to feel guilty for it. Bottom line: as long as your mom sees what goodness can come from it I say go for it.

AmeliaJack Thu 06-Oct-16 00:44:57

I'd tell my Mum that it's a tax dodge and wouldn't want to deal with a potential HMRC investigation when you'd be floored by her death.

TinklyLittleLaugh Thu 06-Oct-16 00:45:46

Fuck my phone went haywire. Suggest you both see a solicitor and draw up a will and a trust. Inheritance tax depends solely on the amount of money left, not who it is left to. Unless she marries the creep. In this case, yes she could leave everything to him and avoid inheritance tax. Obviously there is no guarantee the creep will pass anything on to you. This is what happened with the estate of the late Linda Bellingham.

Anything she gives to you now will be exempt of inheritance tax unless she dies within seven years. My advice would be to take anything she is offering now, sounds like he is getting his claws well and truly into her.

bojorojo Thu 06-Oct-16 00:45:46

First of all, your mum needs to make a will. If she does marry this man, it will cause all sorts of problems if she has not made a will. She should never leave him money which she really intends to go to you but she could leave him a life-time use of the money and then it goes to her children.

Ideally, accept gifts from your mother. They will not attract inheritance tax when she dies. You mum did not pay IHT when she inherited from your dad, but you will pay 40% on everything above above the limit (£320,000?) and believe me, that will hurt because the value of the businesses, property, investments and everything will be included in her estate. It is the estate that pays and the beneficiaries get the residue. How much would you mind 40% your Dad's hard earned cash going to the government? Have you worked out what the bill would be? Would it not be better going to you in a totally legal and legitimate way? You urgently need to have a family discussion about this and see a solicitor and financial advisor to sort it out before this man gets any closer to your mum.

Having financial discussions does not mean you do not love and respect someone and it is extremely important to talk about how her wealth is to be distributed before she dies and after. Face up to reality and do it. You are not wanting a life without your mum, you just want a god life for you all with the government getting as little as possible!

Sunshineonacloudyday Thu 06-Oct-16 00:46:21

Put it on the children's education and then rub it up his nose.

Sunshineonacloudyday Thu 06-Oct-16 00:47:58

HMRC will look into it but if he cut and run all you have to do is give them his name and let them do the rest.

ArmySal Thu 06-Oct-16 00:48:38

I can't believe you can tolerate being anywhere near him.

And fuck what MN say, I wouldn't be told off anybody to keep out of my mother's business if she was in a relationship with a sexual deviant.

Convince her it's a bad idea.

TaintedAngel Thu 06-Oct-16 00:51:00

What a hard situation. Your poor DM. It's difficult when she is not seeing the the very real possibility of this man fleecing your entire family.
If your DM is in a position to give you your inheritance I would be inclined to do that now. As others have said, it avoids the tax and also gives her the chance to see her family benefiting from the years of hard work your DF and she have done. It also helps you avoid having a conversation with her about your real feelings towards this man if you didn't feel it would go well. Although you and your sister are NC I would also try and suggest she gets her share now too if your DM is in the position to do so. I would sooner see the money be secure in the family than go to this potential chancer. I would see it as damage limitation in the event this guy is not as genuine as your DM thinks he is. Hope all works out.

TinklyLittleLaugh Thu 06-Oct-16 00:59:24

Look OP if you are too proud, and carry on with this "give it to the cats home" stuff, this vile man will have away with all your Dad's hard earned money, that presumably he would have wanted you and your kids to have.

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