AIBU - she wants to bring her friend to stay

(51 Posts)
Blackforestdonuts Tue 04-Oct-16 19:56:41

....In a quandry. My DM is coming to visit for 3 weeks later in the month. She says she really wants to spend time with us and the kids, as she has had a very stressful year. She is not very well (chronic illness) and the trip to us is gruelling (pretty much as long a flight as you can get..).

This morning, she emails me very excitedly, saying she has chatted to her friend and friend suggested that she come with DM to help her out and join her on her 'holiday' - also staying with us for 2 out of the 3 weeks.
I understand that the friend could help her on the flight, and she could have company while we are at work and the kids are at daycare, but....

-Since August, we have already had 2 sets of visitors staying for 2 and 3 weeks respectively
-It's more work for me and my DH - cooking, cleaning etc. We are crazily busy - both FT work and 2 kids at different daycares.
-Four adults and 2 kids don't fit into our car and we live suburban, so daytrips or even town trips etc will be a pain
-My DH has only met the friend once - at our wedding
-The kids are already a bit loopy - craving a bit of routine, I think and more visitors will be another upheaval
- I feel like with a virtual stranger there as well, it'd be a lot of polite small talk and (me) running round doing the catering, rather than good quality playtime with kids.

So, am inclined to say , sorry no, the friend can't stay, but....AIBU - should I chill out and be more welcoming and just deal with the inconvenience? I feel bad saying no to my mum after the year she has had. WWYD? Arghhh.

PotteringAlong Tue 04-Oct-16 19:58:54

Nope, say no. I assume you don't see your mum that often and you want to spend time with her. Sounds like her friend is trying to scrab a free holiday.

NewlySkinnyMe Tue 04-Oct-16 19:59:11

I would say yes. Purely to help my mum after the year she has had.

Otherwise you're just adding to the stress of a difficult year.

However, your reasons for saying no are also all perfectly valid. Except the children's routine one. If she is coming anyway then it will be disrupted x

user1470041360 Tue 04-Oct-16 20:01:17

I would say yes.

bumsexatthebingo Tue 04-Oct-16 20:06:13

Is the friend her partner or just a friend?
I'd say yes. It would be a lot easier for your mum and she won't have to spend her day times alone. I'm sure the friend can amuse themselves for a few hours if you want to take the children out.
Cooking/cleaning etc in't going to be a lot more than you will be doing anyway for 1 extra person.

GingerbreadLatteToGo Tue 04-Oct-16 20:11:17

I would say yes & be pleased about it because your Mum has had a terrible year & chronic illness, and she told you she is very excited that she doesn't have the make this gruelling trip on her own. It will be horrible for her flying & navigating flights/airports on her own. Plus with being chronically ill she might be really scared of being on her own

I understand it will be more difficult for you & less relaxing, but I would accept that if it meant my Mum didn't have to make that trip on her own.

I don't see what it matters that your DH doesn't know your Mum's friend, he can get them know her. It's not like some stranger she's picked up en route.

I don't understand half your other excuses either - they'll be just as applicable whether it's just your mum or your Mum & her friend.

I get that you'll lose some 1:1 time with her, but you'll have ne whole week without her friend there.

I think it would be spectacularly selfish to f you to 'say no' or anything other than 'Oh great Mum, it's brilliant that you'll have some company on the journey'.

ChasedByBees Tue 04-Oct-16 20:12:41

I'd say no.

Hosting another adult you don't know well will change the dynamic entirely. If it's such a long flight I imagine you don't get to see your mum much.

How helpful would the friend be? I'd be a bit annoyed at someone inviting themselves round for a holiday and staying with you without asking you too.

ImperialBlether Tue 04-Oct-16 20:13:17

So she'd have to fly back on her own anyway?

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Tue 04-Oct-16 20:14:28

Maybe you need to check if someone has placed a B&B sign above your door!! If your dm is meant to be having some quality time with her family then her friend is a bit of a spare part!! X

TwigletsMakeMeViolent Tue 04-Oct-16 20:14:41

I'd say yes. It means she won't have to be on her own all day. Could she get the bus into town with her friend to do short day trips?

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Tue 04-Oct-16 20:15:38

It doesn't sound like you are planning to take any time off when DM is here, because you say it'll be company for her when you are at work and the kids are in daycare. If I've got that right, I really think you should say yes - sounds like your mum is going to be bored sitting about on her own and a friend would be great company for her.

allthebestplease Tue 04-Oct-16 20:15:58

Book them into a nice b and b.

Lunar1 Tue 04-Oct-16 20:17:43

How much time have you booked off for her visit?

pasturesgreen Tue 04-Oct-16 20:19:11

Your DM has put you In a difficult position...could friend stay in a b and b? Seems a bit off to try and get a free holiday out of it.

Also the car thing is a very valid argument.

TellMeStraight Tue 04-Oct-16 20:19:13

If my mum had a chronic illness, had had a terrible year, was flying half way around the world to see us and wanted to bring a friend for company during the flight and the days. Yes, I would definitely do that for my mum.

I would tell her they should hire a car and make it clear DC routine needs to be kept to.

DustyOfSkye Tue 04-Oct-16 20:19:31

Would it be feasible to get some help whilst they visit? Like a cleaner for example.

I think if it's at all possible, to say yes.

AidingAndAbetting Tue 04-Oct-16 20:19:54

I'd be inclined to book them into a hotel or B&B. Then you can still see her every day but her friend will be able to do her own thing as well.

Blackforestdonuts Tue 04-Oct-16 20:20:24

I have a week off. Doctor has suggested that she spend the time relaxing while we are at work, so I don't think she will be getting buses etc or be too bored. She is pretty crafty/has a lot of hobbies, so she will be doing that during the day - as she does at home.

expatinscotland Tue 04-Oct-16 20:21:52

I'd put them in a B&B.

scaryteacher Tue 04-Oct-16 20:23:09

It depends what the chronic illness is surely, and how bad it is?

snototterly Tue 04-Oct-16 20:24:41

I think it would be mean to not say that's fine and you're happy for your mother. Sure you could ask your mother and friend to do some cooking etc when you and DP are working. Guests generally are delighted to feel helpful.

Only1scoop Tue 04-Oct-16 20:30:52

Did you say the friend wants to stay for only two of the three weeks? Where are they for the other week? With other friends?

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan Tue 04-Oct-16 20:33:07

It sounds as though your mum is on her own - is that right? If she had a new partner who you didn't know well, but who was coming with her, then presumably you would welcome him/her? Think of this as being similar.

One of my mums closest friends was widowed a few years ago. She has become very friendly with another widow, and they do everything together including coming to stay with my parents for weeks at a time. Her friend now routinely gets invited to all social events as a pseudo "other half" even though it's not a partner-type relationship.

Maybe your mum relies a lot on this friend, and is really relieved not to have to fly long haul by herself?

I would welcome the friend as your mum's support.

Headofthehive55 Tue 04-Oct-16 20:33:15

I doubt friend will want to spend the time with you and may be more interested in sightseeing.

Sugarcoma Tue 04-Oct-16 20:33:52

I think for me it would depend on where they'd be sleeping - if there's a spare room they can share (or 2 spare rooms and they can have 1 each) then probably yes although I'd understand why you're not thrilled about it. If they can't share a room or each have their own room without someone being turfed out then no.

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