To Walk away

(12 Posts)
Noseynorabigpants Tue 04-Oct-16 09:36:53

Really really long story with a few conflicts so I will try to condense. Two very good friends. Myself and friend 1 are in our 30's. Friend 2 is in 20's, 2 small children. Her partner is the local drug dealer, horrible man, vile but I love her to pieces despite my husbands firm objections. We don't come from that "world" at all so my husband can't understand why I would be friends with her and have my name associated with him. Her partner has been arrested, charged and convicted of several violent crimes. Myself and friend 1 have helped her move homes, support her etc to leave him several times the last 4 years. Herself and 2 girls have even stayed with us on a few occasions. About 5 months ago he attacked her, trashed and I mean trashed her house, broke girls toys, urinated on their bedding etc. There was cocaine everywhere. The girls were there. He was arrested and sectioned under the mental health act. She refused to press charges and within 4 days she was back in contact with him and telling everyone he was better. Social services said all was good as he was in mental health accommodation. He was out within a week as it became clear to professionals that his problems were severe addiction, anger and control and there was no definitive mental health problem. He's just a bully. It came out that she is not as innocent as claimed and was helping him with his "buissines". At this point her family said they could no longer have contact with her and I should do the same. I could not despite husbands wish I would, but I would keep her closest family member informed between them and I, which I have done. Friend 2 pulled away from friend 1. Friend 1 constantly wanted me to tell her things friend 2 was telling me as she believes it's her right to know. I was very uncomfortable with this as I believe it is friend 2's choice who she confides in. The only person who imho who has a "right" to know is the close family member. Lots of other stuff in between. Anyway yesterday friend 2 rang to say he had punched her in the face, she was pressing charges, it was over etc, she was staying with one of his family members and had gone on a dating website, all in the same day! Obv a lot more has happened in the last few years and there's a lot more to this. I rang her family member who is not convinced as we have heard all this before and she always drops the charges and goes back to him. They dont believe any of it. So my dilemma is, I have my husband once again telling me to stay out of it, not get involved. I have her family telling me that if we all cut her off then she has to finally take responsibility rather than letting us do everything and then blame us to him when they get back together. I also have the issue of friend 1 not knowing any of this and when she finds out I fear losing our friendship of 10 years. Bit of a mess at the moment! Heart is telling me to do everything I can to help her as this is my nature and I love the girls to pieces but head is telling me to stay away, it will cause more problems in the long run, I risk other friendships and my relationship with my husband but I just don't feel comfortable leaving my really good friend and her 2 small children to just "get on with it". Really stuck, aibu to continue to keep what friend 2 tells me from friend 1 and aibu to want to keep trying to help my friend and her children or do I keep my distance even though I know she will start to rely heavily on me again. She is not a good friend in return and lies and manipulates constantly but I can't help feel this is down to him and if she was finally to get away from him she would be a new person. Then again I don't trust her and I don't trust the situation and I know the right thing for me is to walk away it's just, I guess, I will then feel like a terrible person who has let a friend down. Could just do with some outside perspective. Thankyou.

phillipp Tue 04-Oct-16 09:50:26

It's a difficult one. Leaving an abusive relationship isn't easy.

However she isn't putting her kids first. They are in danger and I wouldn't be able to keep supporting her.

Quite frankly there is a possibility that you are putting you and your own family in danger too.

At some point you have to put you and your family first. Women seem to be conditioned into putting other people first, to their own detriment.

I wouldn't be telling friend 1 what friend 2 is telling me. Does friend one know friend 2, doe she suspect friend two if lying to you?

mortgagefreesoon5 Tue 04-Oct-16 10:07:02

I'd walk away or even better, run. Life is not about creating drama, it's about experiencing healthy relationships, and your young friend is not in a good place.
I am all for helping friends, family and really anyone but, the person needs to want to help themselves.
Clearly your friend doesn't want to be helped, ( as friends and family have already try to help) she is choosing this lifestyle for herself and her poor children.
Unfortunately your friend hasn't found yet a good enough motive to move forward.
Having a friend like that can be emotionally exhausting, they will take you through their ups and downs and that, won't bring joy to your life.
Look after yourself
This might sound heartless but I've been in similar situation before, I ended up feeling used, drained and resentful. I even lost friendships trying to defend the indefensible.
Now I know better

Noseynorabigpants Tue 04-Oct-16 10:18:23

Friend1 and 2 are friends yes. Friend 2 lies to everyone and friend 1 knows that I know things she doesn't as friend 2 really has no one left to turn to but me and his family. Feel like I'm constantly being interrogated. Thankyou for your imputs. I know all this, it's just hard, I just feel like someone has to keep plowing on and not give up on her. Can't help but feel that if I give up then she truly has no one but him and then will never leave and those poor children will then carry on the cycle. But I also know I have a family of my own to protect and yes it is draining and I do feel used, resentful etc but I think I just need to get myself to understand that if I walk away and something truly awful happens, it's not my fault. I just can't shake the feeling that by walking away I'm almost sealing her fate. Silly I know!!

MuffyTheUmpireSlayer Tue 04-Oct-16 10:26:20

It's difficult but I think you have to walk away. The only person that can make her leave this abusive relationship is herself. When she finds the strength to do this, she will. You feel like you're helping her but you're actually not helping anyone, least of all yourself.

It's awful for the children and I'm surprised SS closed the case. I hope things work out for them.

sianihedgehog Tue 04-Oct-16 10:31:22

Walk away. Contact social services about those poor kids, you are not able to protect them yourself. Tell your friend that if she does manage to leave him PERMANENTLY she should call you, but that you can't help her until she helps herself.

FetchezLaVache Tue 04-Oct-16 10:31:50

I think you should walk, you're not responsible for your friend or her children (although I get how hard it must be for you to feel you are abandoning them to their fate), you're not getting anything back and you're risking your own relationships, your mental health and possibly even the physical safety of your family. She will either kick this loser into touch or she won't - she clearly isn't listening to your concerns or those of her family, so maybe a bit of tough love is what's needed now? You can always leave the door open for her at some point in the future.

phillipp Tue 04-Oct-16 10:44:50

So friend 1 wants to know because she thinks friend 2 is playing you?

It sounds like friend 2 is slowly destroying your relationship with those around you.

She is isolating you like her partner is isolating her?

Yea, I think you need to walk away.

Noseynorabigpants Tue 04-Oct-16 11:06:18

Thankyou. All exactly what her family and mine are saying. Thankyou, as hard as it will be it makes me see that it's everyone else who is making sense and I'm clinging onto something that isn't going to happen. Thankyou for the advise and words of strength. Greatly appreciated and needed.

HarryPottersMagicWand Tue 04-Oct-16 11:30:49

Your husband is your priority not this friend who, quite frankly, is a mess. I wouldn't want my family anywhere near their family and I'm surprised you aren't thinking of your family before your friend.

Noseynorabigpants Tue 04-Oct-16 13:01:38

Slightly harsh, Of course I put my family first, that's a ridiculous statement to make. I'm conflicted, there's a difference and I don't want to be responsable for her getting hurt further because I have walked away rather than support her, that's what I was always taught, you support your friends. For the record he has never been welcome at my home, he has never been here, my husband would never allow that, neither would I. He has no idea where we live as we are off the beaten path hence why she comes here for safety. It's very easy to sit behind a computer and berate someone but you have no idea of the full history and loyalty I feel. However I have taken the decision to back away because I'm not helping and yes it is causing conflict in my home. She needs to stand on her own 2 feet and make decisions for herself and take responsibility for those decisions rather than pushing them onto others. Thankyou to everyone else for your genuine advice.

HarryPottersMagicWand Tue 04-Oct-16 22:54:24

You asked for opinions, I gave you one. I'm noy going to pussyfoot around as what I said is what I think. No it wasn't harsh and no it wasn't berating. AIBU can be far worse than that! Your DH doesn't like this woman being around but you continue to want to support her. In my eyes, you are putting her above your husband.

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