To find this stressful....

(15 Posts)
Ibloodyhatethomasthetankengine Tue 04-Oct-16 08:20:22

We're (Me, DH, 2DCs 3 and 1) living with DPs at the moment while we wait our house to be finished. I know I'm not a brilliant parent but I try my best. Anyway, very often trying to get out of the house in the morning is chaotic, whoever's house I'm in. This morning, my toddler - as occasionally happens - had a tantrum about needing to get dressed so, rather than waste time wrestling over it, I asked DM to watch them for a few minutes while I nipped in the shower and got dressed and I'd see to getting my toddler dressed when I came back downstairs (by which time he will have decided its a brilliant idea). From the upstairs bedroom I can hear DM saying 'I need these children in a much better routine', and then proceeding to start yelling (not aggressively, but just forcefully - more a very raised voice perhaps) at my toddler to get on with it, as it's not acceptable to still be clothe-less by this time of the day (it's 7.30 at this point)....A few days ago I heard my DDad ask her if she wanted to go out for the day and she replied with a 'I don't think we should,' and rolled eyes towards me with a clear inference over my 'coping' abilities. This is happening often as we are on very different pages parenting-wise (they are quite strict, not happy with them watching any TV etc. but I'm a bit more 'whatever-works' TBH).

I totally get we have to compromise in ways as they are very kindly hosting us while we wait for our house, but f**k me I'm finding it stressful. I feel like I'm 12 years old and in trouble all the time.

Bubbinsmakesthree Tue 04-Oct-16 08:39:05

YANBU, i would hate that.

i know I'm not a brilliant parent but I try to do my best

Well to my mind, a good parent knows their children, reads their emotional state and is flexible, tolerant and adapts accordingly to avoid unnecessary distress (like taking a break from trying to dress a stubborn toddler!).

I think you just have to accept you have different approaches but don't let it undermine your self-belief, sounds like you are doing just fine!

nancyblackett80 Tue 04-Oct-16 09:18:29

I have exactly the same as you OP. Fortunately we don't live with them! My parents are older and whilst they probably are great GPs to my older nieces they quite obviously struggle with the excitement a 4 yo displays.

I've wondered if its an age thing? They were super strict with me, in terms of behaviour but I now realise it was a weird childhood (albeit not unhappy) compared to my peers. I'm doing my best to make my DCs a bit more mainstream!

No advice but will watch with interest!

Ibloodyhatethomasthetankengine Tue 04-Oct-16 09:32:13

Thanks ladies - Nancy, that could have been me writing your post! My parents are of the notion that 'well, you turned out just fine,' but I want to scream (but don't of course) 'Yeah, I did, but I was also the weird kid at school who got a bit picked on because I didn't know anything 'cool' or even 'normal'.' I don't want that for my kids. I'm not indulgent of them (I don't believe), but I do want them to have a more level/general experience!

My parents aren't that old but just quite strict I guess. Like, they only want the children to run in the garden if they've got shoes on, whereas I'd probably prefer them to feel the grass under their feet at this age.... they're not allowed to climb on furniture (e.g. the sofa: 'Sofas are for sitting on, not standing on'), and woe-betide if they attempt to ever jump on a bed (not that I advocate it, but it's not exactly an outrageous offence for a toddler). I was never allowed to watch kids tv so I guess I am a bit more relaxed about letting them have it on in the morning, or if they're unwell, or if they need to unwind a bit because they're exhausted..... but my parents would prefer them to sit and play 'I spy' for an hour. I'd rather stab myself in the eye with a blunt crayon.

FleurThomas Tue 04-Oct-16 09:34:21

Your DM is right though in her way. It's her house and if your routine doesn't fit around hers or she doesn't like/agree with it then it is wrong. So either change the routine or, more realistic, rent a place.

bumblingmum Tue 04-Oct-16 09:52:33

Can you say this to your mum when things have calmed down? 'Yeah, I did, but I was also the weird kid at school who got a bit picked on because I didn't know anything 'cool' or even 'normal'.
They are your kids and as you rightly say, you have to compromise on practical stuff as you are in their house but the routine and getting dressed issues of this morning are up to you.

bumblingmum Tue 04-Oct-16 09:52:37

Can you say this to your mum when things have calmed down? 'Yeah, I did, but I was also the weird kid at school who got a bit picked on because I didn't know anything 'cool' or even 'normal'.
They are your kids and as you rightly say, you have to compromise on practical stuff as you are in their house but the routine and getting dressed issues of this morning are up to you.

bumblingmum Tue 04-Oct-16 09:52:53

Can you say this to your mum when things have calmed down? 'Yeah, I did, but I was also the weird kid at school who got a bit picked on because I didn't know anything 'cool' or even 'normal'.
They are your kids and as you rightly say, you have to compromise on practical stuff as you are in their house but the routine and getting dressed issues of this morning are up to you.

nancyblackett80 Tue 04-Oct-16 12:10:54

At the end of the day, you know your child and that after 10 minutes he'll be fine and will happily get dressed. My parents would prefer to do the two warnings, naughty step, tantrum, tears, making up - until the child concedes defeat. They don't realise this takes longer as well as being emotionally draining!

If things are critical then yes I understand but mine rarely act up outside the house and don't show me up.

pinkdelight Tue 04-Oct-16 12:30:25

I think if it wasn't this issue, it'd be something. It's bound to be stressful sharing their house. It's probably not about your parenting at all, just the tensions of some people being set in their ways and other people disrupting that. If at all possible, I'd rent a place so you can do your own thing without the stress and eye-rolling (and tbh you probably wind them up as much as they wind you up, that's how it is even in the most happy families). If you need to stay with them, then I'd suck it up and try to not take it personally. Feels like a bad move to start airing childhood resentments. We all have mud we can sling and by the sounds of it, they're not bad parents.

itsmine Tue 04-Oct-16 12:30:47

Tbh if your staying at theirs I think you just need to grin and bear it . Make sure all clothes out ready in the morning and have things as organised as poss. Try getting a shower earlier before dc are up.

I had a cousin stay once with a 'spirited' dc. Mornings were a right pita the dc did what she liked when she liked with very haphazard results. Not saying your the same but when at others you do need to be v organised, as the hassle can soon escalate.

Plenty of time to relax things once you're back in your own place.

itsmine Tue 04-Oct-16 12:32:01

You're* <twice grin>

Gottagetmoving Tue 04-Oct-16 12:36:35

If you are staying with someone then you do have to adapt a bit and sort out a routine with your children.
It may work for you to not be so rigid in your own home but just like at school, children do have to learn new boundaries and routines when they are anywhere else.
It is stressful having people stay with you, especially if they have children so you need to work together with your DM to make it work while you are there.
You have different parenting ideas to your parents and that is fine, but it is not forever and as they are doing you a favour you have to put up with some conflict over different ideas on child behaviour and parenting.
I always let my DM apply her rules when she looked after my children and to be honest it did them no harm. They accepted that rules were different at Granny's house.

redskytonight Tue 04-Oct-16 12:40:26

No climbing on furniture sounds like a fairly reasonable rule.
Particularly if it's your furniture.

Ibloodyhatethomasthetankengine Tue 04-Oct-16 15:00:01

Thanks everyone, and apologies if I've mis-led or mis-spoken. I never intended to pour scorn on their parenting abilities or anything like that, they are brilliant parents and always have been - they have had to deal with some really difficult times as parents due to sibling illness, that would have absolutely broken me as a Mum, but they are incredibly strong and very confident. I guess I'm just not and feel a bit down at the moment. We are very close, they just parent very differently to me and it's just hard all being under the same roof, but you are all right and I must adapt more to make it easier on everyone. So long as the DCs are happy, it's fine. Thanks for setting me straight xx

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