Brief background: split up from EX a good 5 years ago. He was an awful partner but we have a wonderful DS, (now 9yo), and I wrongly clung on and tried to fix a very dysfunctional relationship for too long. I did this for DS but with help from friends and mumsnet I eventually realised it was him not me and finished it.
I was sad for DS but felt relief from the moment that it was over. I was glad to be able to slowly build my life back.
I met a lovely lovely man. He has shown me what a loving partner should be. We took things slowly regarding DS, and eventually all moved in together last year after almost 4 years together.
DS' Dad has been difficult, he is angry and unpredictable and he has gradually reduced the time that he spends with his son, and insists DS fits around his new relationship (e.g. Only visits when girlfriend has own kids, can't visit with a sniffle). There is no financial support whatsoever. I have bit my lip and facilitated the closest relationship that I can between DS and his Dad- as a child of divorced parents I know it is important to put DS first. As such I would say EXP gets away with pretty poor parenting.
DP has always been very respectful of DS' Dad, he is very anxious not to tread on his toes. He is very helpful and supportive to me as a mum and his relationship with DS I would say is a bit like a good old uncle.
Fast forward to this week. DP proposed to me, and feeling like the luckiest girl in the world I said yes. To top it all off DS seemed pleased, he was playing with my best friends daughter last week and she messaged me to say he was gushing about it and the kids were busily chatting away planning the wedding!
Last night DS stayed with his dad for the first time since our engagement (I had already told EXP). EXP called at 9.30pm to tell me DS had been really upset about the wedding and especially about having a new 'step dad'. I told him I thought the use of the term stepdad was unnecessary and implied he has some sort of additional dad- this is not the way we see it- DS has a mum (me), a dad (him), and my partner is known by his Christian name. EXP disagreed, saying DS needed to accept the term step dad. I feel like he had deliberately tried to put a negative spin on the situation.
DS returned home early this morning (as arranged). I chatted to him, he got very upset and he admitted (very unusually for him as he doesn't usually talk about feelings), that it felt like his dad was being replaced. I have reassured him as much as I possibly can.
He now says he's not happy about me getting married, he's not sure if he wants to share in the day, he says it's all weird.
I am so sad for my little boy. I can't and won't try to persuade him to be happy for us, but I so wish that he was. I don't know how to help him.
I'm angry with EXP, I want to tell him as much but I'm attempting not to engage- it won't help.
I feel sad for my lovely partner too. He's tried so hard not to tread on EXS toes, he provides so much for DS and I feel guilty that things are so complicated.
I don't know what I expected from this thread. I guess I just needed to get it all out....
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AIBU to be furious with EXP for upsetting DS regarding partner being called a step-dad
79 replies
Lookproperly · 04/10/2016 08:10
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