To ask you what you think of age gap relationships.

(261 Posts)
BingbastardBunny Mon 03-Oct-16 12:56:30

I saw a thread on here about a mother asking if she should be worried about her child fancying an older actor.
I was just wondering is it a big worry if your child begins a relationship with someone significantly older or younger than themselves.
There is an age gap of 28 years between my husband and I and we are perfectly happy.

Pagwatch Mon 03-Oct-16 12:59:08

It depends how old the youngest partner is. And it depends upon the good sense, life experience, maturity of the youngest partner.

16 with someone 28 years older would concern me.
30 with someone 28 years older [meh]

DuggeesPoncho Mon 03-Oct-16 13:00:32

So long as everyone involved is a consenting adult, I couldn't care less.

BlancheBlue Mon 03-Oct-16 13:00:49

Often leads to problems. Friend of mine had a relationship with a man 9 years you get than her. Wasted her 30s as he didn't want marriage or kids. Now single in early 40s and said that having kids probably impossible.

DetailedConfusion Mon 03-Oct-16 13:02:32

Realistically (and yes I get that this is sexist) I think age gap relationships are much more likely to work if the man is older.

A 30 year old woman is more likely to stay with a 45 year old man than the other way around IMO, especially if the 30 year old man has no dc.

BingbastardBunny Mon 03-Oct-16 13:15:48

DH is the oldest in our relationship. I am still pretty young, but I have always been mature for my age. Men my own age never 'got' me.

myownprivateidaho Mon 03-Oct-16 13:18:54

I don't judge individual couples, however I think that when we reach a more equal world there will be fewer age gap couples. It always seems to be an older guy with a younger woman for some reason (!) Personally I would prefer my kids to seek a partner close to their own age, as I think it's more conducive to a happy and equal relationship. However, this isn't to say there aren't happy and equal age distant couple, or unhappy and unequal couples of the same age.

Thundercake Mon 03-Oct-16 13:20:12

I'm always a bit fascinated by big age gaps, not sure why. I think 28 years is massive, that would be me married to someone older than my dad and my dad seems ancient! I'd say the issue of wanting/not wanting kids would be the main deal breaker. If the man was older and already had kids and the younger woman had to consider no kids if she stayed with him. That's a bit rambly, I think big age gaps are odd but whatever works for the couple.

heron98 Mon 03-Oct-16 13:21:34

I am 10 years older than my DP. We got together at 21 (him) and 31 (me). Raised a few eyebrows but 5 years later it's still working out!

myownprivateidaho Mon 03-Oct-16 13:21:50

I definitely disapprove of guys who get divorced and then are only willing to consider younger women. I think that's really shitty and sexist.

amusedbush Mon 03-Oct-16 13:24:45

I know two people in relationships with significant age gaps (female younger in both cases). The first settled down with a divorced man who had three children. He didn't want to do that again so she gave up her chance at having children. Fast forward fifteen years and she is stuck helping to raise his grandchild, watching as he dotes on someone else’s kid.

The other couple met when she was 35 and he was 55 – they worked together. Fifteen happy years, five not so happy. He retired, got bored, drank himself to death. She is now 55 and a widow having spent the last few years nursing a much older man while she should have been enjoying herself.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 03-Oct-16 13:25:28

I think 28 years is massive.
I realise anything could happen to you too.
But in reality you've signed yourself up to be a widow quite young and probably a carer to a much older person.
I always think it's a bit creepy and it does make my skin crawl on occasions.
But each to their own.
If you are happy to be a carer and having to find another person to share your life with a bit further down the line - then go for it!

BingbastardBunny Mon 03-Oct-16 13:25:40

I was fortunate that DH and I were on the same page with regards to children and we now have 2 beautiful children.
You also have to have a thick skin because on occasion people will comment.

KeyserSophie Mon 03-Oct-16 13:25:59

If I'm honest, 28 years is a LOT- maybe because that's the age gap between me and my dad - but the idea of being with a 70 year old now is... um...... weird would be putting it nicely, however sprightly they are. There's also a risk that you end up spending 20 years as a carer and then being widowed at 60. So not for me (ten either way would be my limit), but I'm not going to hate on people who think differently.

5minutestobed Mon 03-Oct-16 13:27:22

It depends on the people really doesn't it. There is a 15 year gap between my Dad and his partner and they are happy enough.
My friend however always goes out with men 20+ years older than her, she is quite young and vulnerable and it seems creepy to me that older blokes are interested in someone young enough to be their daughter.

uggerboff Mon 03-Oct-16 13:28:08

I'm 10 yrs older than DH. We met at 25 & 35. Been together 19 years.
Never been an issue for us!

brambly Mon 03-Oct-16 13:29:59

Have never had a serious relationship with a gap as big as 28 years, but have had plenty of more short term relationships with a similar gap (and the odd fling with a slightly bigger one!). And have been head over heels in love with a man 30 years older than me (am currently in my mid 20s). My current partner is comparatively foetal at a mere 11 years my senior and I often wish he were a bit older blush

So no, age gap relationships don't faze me one bit grin

Andrewofgg Mon 03-Oct-16 13:33:50

I definitely disapprove of guys who get divorced and then are only willing to consider younger women. I think that's really shitty and sexist.

Shitty if you like, but you cannot apply the terms of discrimination to anyone's choice of who they are willing to form an intimate relationship with. It's not racist only to want to have a partner of your own race or religion; or homophobic only to want to do so with someone "straight" and of the opposite gender. You just cannot apply any duty not to discriminate into this field. Just as you can make a will leaving more - or everything - to the child who has entered into a traditional marriage with someone of the same race and religion and less - or nothing - to the one who has not.

If a man who has been divorced finds a younger woman who wants to be with him and vice versa that's their business. He is not unfairly depriving an older woman of a partner, nr she a younger man.

Polkadotties Mon 03-Oct-16 13:34:24

A 28 year age gap would mean be being with someone who is 55. No thank you, to me that's old

SparklyUnicornPoo Mon 03-Oct-16 13:35:12

Ive always dated older men (DH is only 7 years older than me, previous partner was 22 years older) so it doesn't bother me.

However I think really both need to be over 18 (I know consent is 16 but I'd feel weird about a 16 year old being with someone much older, it would seem too much like taking advantage)

Sparklesilverglitter Mon 03-Oct-16 13:36:07

DH is 14 years old than me. We've been together years and are very very happy, just had our first baby I am 39 him 53.

People have commented over the years but I couldn't care less. I don't comment on there relationship so they have no place commenting on mine

BingbastardBunny Mon 03-Oct-16 13:36:56

When you love someone you will do anything for them.
DH works hard to provide for the family. This means I can stay at home and spend lots of time with the children. I am grateful for that and if he needs a helping hand later in life then so be it.

GetAHaircutCarl Mon 03-Oct-16 13:37:05

When I was at university, one of my friends (18/19) was seeing a guy of 35. I often think about that and wonder what on earth he as doing. And what his mates thought about it.

I remember everyone saying how 'mature' she was, but actually, she had just left school. She still lived with her Mum. For all her grand talk and thinking, she had actually done nothing yet!

Recently, a friend of mine (42) started seeing a young man of 26. But neither of them pretended it was more than just sex really and at 26 at least he'd lived a bit!

MitzyLeFrouf Mon 03-Oct-16 13:37:58

28 years would be too much of a gap for me personally but if you're both happy go for it. It's not as though being of an age with your partner is any indicator of success. Most people marry someone of a similar age and still half of those marriages go belly up.

BingbastardBunny Mon 03-Oct-16 13:38:08

He is 53.

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