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AIBU?

To listen to the MN majority

33 replies

Bookeatingboy · 02/10/2016 08:23

DS 8 was having some problems with 3 of his "friends" at school who play for a rival football team.

Ahead of a cup match, these boys were quite nasty to ds, resulting in them excluding him and refusing to let him sit down at the same lunch table.

I asked MN if I should speak with their mums, who I know or go to the school. The majority said I should not speak with the parents, but go into school if it escalated, some said leave it and tell DS to just sit elsewhere, which I asked him to do.

It did escalate, so I went to see the Head to nip it in the bud, she agreed that their behaviour was unacceptable and she spoke with these boys (and their parents) and the leader started crying as soon as he went into the heads office as he knew exactly what he was doing. To their credit they all admitted what they were doing. Head asked DS what a suitable sanction might be, DS being the boy he is, said he didn't want them punished, he just wanted them to all be friends again, because its silly falling out over football. Head told him he had done the right thing and praised his maturity.

A week later we were at an activity and one of these mums blanked me, saw her again this weekend and again she blanked me, so I approached her and asked her if there was an issue... She told me she was annoyed with me for not coming to her first and furthermore two of the other mums felt the same

No mention of how DS might be so I told her that ds was fine if she was interested and that it was actually 4 boys against one and it was happening at school so needed dealing with at school...

My gut instinct was to approach the mums, but MN said it wasn't the right thing to do... so I listened

OP posts:

Report

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 02/10/2016 08:29

I remember your thread and advised you to go to the school.

I think, given the mums are blanking you now, it was the right advice, can you imagine their reactions if you did criticise their dc to them.

If my dc told me that they had been in trouble at school for behaviour like this I wouldn't be blanking the mother, I'd be apologising, most normal people would.

Going to the school was definitely the right thing to do. Glad the boys are sorted out now.

normage · 02/10/2016 08:30

You did the right thing. It was sorted properly. Your Son sounds lovely. Other Mum sounds childish. Her Son was in the wrong and it's not for her to say how you should have dealt with it. Don't let her childish attitude bother you.

Andrewofgg · 02/10/2016 08:32

Sounds like the boys concerned are more mature than their mothers!

AtSea1979 · 02/10/2016 08:32

MN was right for once

phillipp · 02/10/2016 08:33

Asking and giving advice is a funny thing. Because if you are asking, you don't have to take it. If you are giving it, it comes from your own experiences and thoughts and may not be right in that particular situation.

Personally, given their reaction I think it was right.

I would have advised the same. Because, if it starts again you would have to have gone to the school. In all probability if the school didn't handle the last one, they will treat it as the first time it's happened.

Now if it starts again, the school are aware.

Speaking to parents directly is rarely a good idea. These parents would have probably blanked you anyway, could have ended in an argument and the school would have been unaware.

These parents need to be more concerned about why their children did this, rather than how you chose to handle it. You are an adult and can choose to deal with a situation. They don't have to agree with it, they don't have like it.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 02/10/2016 08:34

Advice was offered. You took it. Why are you throwing it back now and saying it's MN's fault? I wasn't on the last thread but I would have said the same as others.

Bookeatingboy · 02/10/2016 08:36

Being where do you get that from, not blaming anyone, merely asking a question...

OP posts:

AyeAmarok · 02/10/2016 08:36

It does actually sound like it was the correct advice, given what they are now being like!

SleepFreeZone · 02/10/2016 08:37

Their reactions show approaching the school directly was the right thing to do. Do you really think any of these women would be capable of acting mature enough to sort the issue between then?

MyEternalSunshine · 02/10/2016 08:37

I think it really depends everyone is different- if my DS were one of these boys I would be mortified and I would try very hard to make it up to you and your son whilst gently explaining to my own DS that this is not how people should behave. I personally would have liked to have felt you could of come to me without escalating it although I know I'm very open and reasonable- these mums blanking you do not sound this way, they sound childish and frankly I can see why their DS's act the way they do- obviously they do no wrong in mummy's eyes hope you're ok OP you'd think we were old enough to be past school yard drama obviously some parents still like to partake

acasualobserver · 02/10/2016 08:38

I suspect those parents wouldn't have been happy either way.

Comejointhemurder · 02/10/2016 08:40

Don't do what strangers on an anonymous forum tell you to do.

TaterTots · 02/10/2016 08:45

My gut instinct was to approach the mums, but MN said it wasn't the right thing to do... so I listened

And? What's the problem?

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 02/10/2016 08:50

My gut instinct was to approach the mums, but MN said it wasn't the right thing to do... so I listened

This gave me that impression.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 02/10/2016 08:52

My gut instinct was to approach the mums, but MN said it wasn't the right thing to do... so I listened

What is this? I was right and you were wrong? What do you want from this thread? There is no question in your opening post, just an outline of events.

Not everything has a good outcome you realise? This wasn't a case of having a 50/50 chance of not angering the parents. The reality is that the parents probably would have been angry whatever you did.

phillipp · 02/10/2016 08:53

I think it's clear that the op isn't throwing it back in anyone's faces.

I think she is asking the question. Now that the parents are being shitty, do we think she did the right thing.

It's a question about wether we still think it was the right thing to do, not ' I listened to you know my life is ruined and you are all bastards'.

HumphreyCobblers · 02/10/2016 08:56

It was the right advice - these women feel put out and are casting around for something they can be cross with you about.

They would have kicked off if you had approached them first.

TheVirginQueen · 02/10/2016 08:56

Ride out the blanking OP
no doubt it feels incredibly awkwsrd right now, and you're doubting yourself, but if it starts up again, the school know the history.
it is not fun to be blanked, but you did the right thing for your son.
Act unapologetic but dont engage with the subject.

ClopySow · 02/10/2016 08:57

Did everyone get out of the wrong side of bed? She's just telling mn what happened.

Kerberos · 02/10/2016 08:58

I'd have appreciated a heads up if only so I could support the school in their approach. But this is one of those situations where there's no right answer. If the bullying has now stopped then the mission has been successful. What you do about the fallout is your next mission.

And I wouldn't have been "gently suggesting" to my bullying son - a thorough talking to and a proper apology and/or sanctions at home.

Bookeatingboy · 02/10/2016 08:59

phillipp spot on...

What's done is done and actually this particular parent seemed more concerned about her ds being in trouble with the head than about what he was doing to my ds.

OP posts:

TheVirginQueen · 02/10/2016 08:59

Other mums think you needed their permission to mention their children's names at school!

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TheVirginQueen · 02/10/2016 09:02

Their egos injured. They will forget.

DixieNormas · 02/10/2016 09:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

limitedperiodonly · 02/10/2016 09:39

I'd have advised approaching the mothers first because in that situation I would appreciate a chance to resolve it without literally running to teacher. I'd have also warned them that if the behaviour continued, I'd have to go to the school.

Who knows what would have happened if you'd done that? They might have dealt with it or they might not have done, but at least you'd have tried to let them sort it informally.

What's done is done. Your son sounds very nice and perhaps he might stay friends with the boy whose mum hasn't complained. I don't think you're blaming anyone. How many times do people on MN ask for a follow up on the outcome of a thread? That's all you're doing.

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