Looking for some serious advice (long)

(6 Posts)
MadamePeacock Sat 01-Oct-16 18:17:49

I have a large number of children. Three of them have additional needs. The one who requires the most care is my 6 year old daughter who has cerebral palsy and is completely deaf. She is highly unlikely to be able to ever walk unaided.

We currently live in a 5 bedroom house and have to carry my daughter upstairs to bed.

We could, potentially, turn our dining room into a bedroom for her but I feel it is unfair that she will only have access to half of the house when she is older unless we carry her which is going to be difficult when she is older. Our stairs are split into three (5 steps to a mini landing, turn right, 3 steps up to a mini landing, turn right again and 6 steps up to a mini landing) so a stair lift is not possible and there is no room to install a lift.

It is my dream for us to live in a bungalow on just one level so no dormer bungalow.

Also, I posted recently about wanting my daughter to go to a specialist school which will take 1.5 hours to get to. We have been offered a place and I'm 90% sure we will accept the place we're just trying to work out the logistics of us getting her there.

I would love for us to move both closer to the school and to a bungalow.

It would mean uprooting all of the children from their current schools which the majority of them will cope fine with, once they got used to the idea BUT one of my children, my 8 year old son, has Aspergers and cannot cope with change. The idea of settling him in to a new school terrifies me.

Also, my 14 year old son will be doing his GCSE's next year so would like it if he could stay at his current school too. I have daughters in years 9 and 7 at the high school too.

My husband works at a Centre Parcs in a high paid job. If we moved closer to the specialist school, he would have to commute (currently only 7 miles) which I think he'd be ok with but it's very handy at the moment him being able to get home in 15-20 minutes.

What I would love, but don't know how feesable it would be, is to move closer to the specialist school, keep my high school children and son with aspergers in their current schools and my husband take them to school on his way to work. My husbands parents live 5 miles from the schools so could (and would) look after the children until my husband has finishes work.

Would it be completely and utterly unreasonable to uproot my entire family and make life somewhat diffiult for the next few years for the benefits and needs of just one of my children? My son with aspergers cannot cope with change and we will go to hell and back with him if we move until he settles. I am completely torn between two of my children.

I know we don't neccesarily have to move house for another few years with my daughter only being 6 but I want to get her into this specialist school. Is it wrong to make 4 of my children do an hours journey to school instead of just 1 of my children?

QuiteLikely5 Sat 01-Oct-16 18:22:39

Can I ask if your dd would struggle terribly with the journey?

You haven't mentioned she would.

I think everyone's needs should be taken into account and it doesn't look like their needs will have been given much consideration if you follow through with the move

MoonStar07 Sat 01-Oct-16 18:25:16

Does the specialist school organise transport? Personally I wouldn't uproot all the kids not so much for one child but mainly because of all the change for them. In saying that if the greandparents can support you and are young enough to do it for a few years then it's a possibility. Would it be a huge deal if your daughter didn't see upstairs very often?

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Sat 01-Oct-16 18:25:46

I think you need to speak to the children about the dilemma as they need to be involved in plans and and the decisions if they are to accept whatever you decide. I would stay where the majority are settled for now - I also have lots of kids (11)and have had to make huge decisions regarding schools and moving too and it's not easy.

summerainbow Sat 01-Oct-16 18:25:54

Your daughter would get transport to school you don't have get there.

SpaceDinosaur Sat 01-Oct-16 18:35:37

Reassess the "there's no room for a lift."

If you have a 5 bedroom house there is almost certainly room for a lift. It just may not be "pretty" but the corner or a room ascending directly into her bedroom upstairs? What about from under the "box room" and up? (Can you convert the loft to replace the lost space?) As she gets older and she is reassessed, you will need to have tracks and hoists installed into your home for use with her as a growing child and a young adult. Possibly a wet room. Obviously I don't know your financial situation but you may very well qualify for assistance in any of these conversions to make your home assessable for your daughter's changing needs to keep you in your family home.

I absolutely appreciate your desire to ensure your daughter is able to access her whole home.

Your stairs are currently "twisted"
Stairs can be replaced, repositioned for a fraction of the cost of moving. Consult a builder and then 4 more for prices. You usually employ an architect to ensure it's all done correctly but changing your stairs is a very real possibility. It will just affect your current home lay out!

You are incredibly fortunate that she achieved a place in the school that you desperately wanted despite the distance you live from it. That's amazing!!!

Your other children are, in your words, settled. Uprooting 4 children, one of whom will suffer from the enormous change, one of whom will be either torn from his GCSE studies is far from idea for them.

Leaving your other children in the care of your parents to make a change for one child also seems a little "unfair"

Lastly... Is there a "middle ground" option? Mid way between the two areas? Keeping every child in their school? Obviously your DS will have the upheaval of a new home but the consistency of his school.

You are not alone. Good luck!!!

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