Bloody hell I've been really unreasonable haven't I?

(110 Posts)
Eminybob Sat 01-Oct-16 13:05:54

MIL just had a knee replacement so can't drive
Her DH (not DH's dad - second (reasonably recent) second marriage) is very very ill and has just been taken to hospital in another town around an hours drive away.
She has asked for a lift to see him, which obviously we are happy to do. I agreed last night that we would all go, including 2 year old DS.
Having thought about it, I felt that as DS wouldn't be allowed in the hospital it would mean that we would have to wait outside, so asked DH if he could take mil on his own.
He said he thinks we should all go as a family, for support (may have to make a life or death decision today regarding an operation). I said I didn't think this was fair on DS as it would mean 2 hours cooped up in car seat, plus time spent waiting.
We had a bit of an argument and he has gone on his own.
I now feel really guilty. I feel that I should have gone for support, but I stand by my arguement that it's not fair on DS. (Who is now napping)
To add some more context, we only have one car and I generally do all the driving. DH can and does drive when needed but hates it, which I feel is part of his reason for wanting me to go.
wibu?

peppercold Sat 01-Oct-16 13:11:05

I don't think you were to be honest.

scribbles1980 Sat 01-Oct-16 13:12:01

You have not BU ! Hanging around a hospital is no place for a 2 year old flowers

RumbleMum Sat 01-Oct-16 13:13:36

It's a tricky one as I understand your reasons for the decision you made but on the whole, I'm afraid that I think YWBU. I'm not a keen driver and in that scenario I'd want my DH to support me too, even if it meant toddler wrangling in a hospital (which isn't fun, I agree).

Can you text him and apologise, and say you're here to support him etc etc?

Jinglebells99 Sat 01-Oct-16 13:14:30

I don't think you were being unreasonable. He is perfectly capable of driving and supporting his mother, particularly if your son isn't allowed in the hospital.

trilbydoll Sat 01-Oct-16 13:14:45

You wouldn't have been much use support-wise if he was hanging off you whinging because he was bored. And a life or death decision doesn't need a 2yo asking Why after every point the Dr makes!

The ideal situation would be to leave your DS with someone else I think. If that wasn't an option I don't think ywbu.

RumbleMum Sat 01-Oct-16 13:15:37

PS what I meant to say was that if life and death decisions were involved, I wouldn't want to have the worry of driving ... I appreciate not everyone would feel like that though. In other scenarios (ie nothing life threatening) I'd just woman up and do it.

Lebranic Sat 01-Oct-16 13:16:22

I wouldn't take a child on a long unnecessary road trip. Could be stressful for everyone if the child is whinging/grumpy.

Sassypants82 Sat 01-Oct-16 13:16:42

Yanbu, your son would most have suffered in this scenario, I think you were right to stay home with him.

PoldarksBreeches Sat 01-Oct-16 13:18:51

And what happens if the fil gets much worse? Or passes away?! How much support can your 2 year old be? Or would he just be exposed to distressed and emotional family members for no good reason?

HerRoyalNotness Sat 01-Oct-16 13:19:34

YANBU

But while they're out could you make up some easy meals for MIL to put in the freezer? That would show some caring and hopefully head off any grumpinf in your DHs part when he gets back

Yoarchie Sat 01-Oct-16 13:20:46

I would have spent the two hours in the car with the 2yo. Surely you could have taken some toys, snacks, a potty, an ipad?

OddBoots Sat 01-Oct-16 13:22:37

I think it would have been harder on your MIL to potentially feel she needs to moderate what are likely to be intense feelings because there is a small child present. Unless you had an available option of leaving your ds with someone he knows well and going with your DH and MIL then you were not being unreasonable.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog Sat 01-Oct-16 13:25:05

No, you were being sensible. Bringing a two year old along when important decisions have to be discussed is madness and not fair to anyone.

icouldabeenacontender Sat 01-Oct-16 13:25:30

If you really think your dh wanted you to drive to lessen his stress (life or death decisions etc) could you not have done that and then maybe taken your ds somewhere for a couple of hours if you didn't want him at the hospital?

Eminybob Sat 01-Oct-16 13:25:45

Bil and sil could have had DS for us tbh. Ideally we should have done that then I could have gone too. But we have no idea how long she will need to be there, it could turn out to be more than just a short visit.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog Sat 01-Oct-16 13:28:29

I also think your dh is being immature not to see how hard it would be on everyone. Of course his mum doesn't want a fractious child in the car at such a time! Never mind a completely unnecessary period of confinement and stress for the child. I would speculate that he is probably biased.

Adnerb95 Sat 01-Oct-16 13:32:49

Sorry, serious illness, life or death decisions. I think you were BVVVU and a little precious.
It should be possible to be there for your DH and MIL without being in the hospital for the whole time.
My goodness, your 2-year old is not the centre of the universe.

Mummyoflittledragon Sat 01-Oct-16 13:34:48

If you can give your ds to bil and sil perhaps you could all go as a three tomorrow or another day? Don't feel guilty. Your dh should be able to look after his mother if he can drive. It would be different if he couldn't drive. Personally, I would avoid taking a little child if I were able.

IzzyIsBusy Sat 01-Oct-16 13:38:51

Sorry i think YABU.
A 2yo in a car fora few hours is no big deal. Your DH clearly needed your support and you let him down. Sometimes children need to fit in with adult lives they wont break if a few hours out of a day us not all about them.
You could have easily entertained DS in the cafe or seating area or walked to the nearest shop/park.

BoomBoomsCousin Sat 01-Oct-16 13:40:46

So your DH might have to support his mum while she makes the decision to let his father die, and you opted to let him go on his own? I think YWBU really. I get that logistically your solution is better. I get that it would be a pain to entertain DC or nearby and that you'll be constantly distracted and hardly up to much hand holding and it's no fun at all. But I think you've removed support from DH that he would have found really comforting.

Obviously, he'll be OK. It's not the worst thing. But for something like that I would have sucked it up and gone and I would be disappointed if my DH wouldn't do the same for me.

expatinscotland Sat 01-Oct-16 13:41:28

YANBU! Life or death decisions are not a place for a 2-year-old. You could also potentially be there for hours. Again, not a place for a 2-year-old. Your husband is a grown man, he's more than capable of 'support' for his mother.

Sparklesilverglitter Sat 01-Oct-16 13:42:31

Given the circumstances I would of done it.

I understand a 2 year old in a hospital isn't ideal but sometimes when it's family that need support you just deal with these things.

Eminybob Sat 01-Oct-16 13:42:55

Mixed replies on here. Not surprised, I am feeling very much in 2 minds too.

Pp's idea of doing some batch cooking for her is perfect. I think I will do that.
Since she has had the operation I have provided practical support as much as I can, been cleaning and shopping for her etc. I have been able to do this as I work part time. DH works full time. We very rarely get a full weekend off together so I think some of his reasoning for us all going, including DS is so that we are together.

Mil's DH's daughter should also be at the hospital this afternoon, possibly his son too, so there will be others to provide support.

Parker231 Sat 01-Oct-16 13:43:33

I would have taken DS with us - just take stickers etc to keep him occupied- you shouldn't be arranging your life and decisions around a two year old. They can fit in around things you need to do.

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