Was this my fault, his or both?

(204 Posts)

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IDontBowlOnShabbos Sat 01-Oct-16 05:28:17

OK this might be long and a bit jumbled as I'm really not in a good place right now...

I'm 38 weeks pregnant and have been cramping for a few days. H had agreed earlier on in the pregnancy that he wouldn't drink once I had gone past 37 weeks as I've had sickness on and off throughout the pregnancy and beer is one of the things that sets me off and I didn't want to smell it in labour. Also he doesn't usually have just one or two when he does go out and neither of us wanted him to be drunk when I was in labour.

So today I have been feeling really shit, lots of cramps, haven't been sleeping, really hormonal etc H knows this. H has recently got a new job and arranged to go out for leaving drinks tonight with old work people. He said he wouldn't drink which then changed to wouldnt get drunk and I did trust him when he said this. It got to about 11 and the cramps were getting stronger so I called him to see if he was on his way back and let him know what was going on but his phone was off. I then logged into my Facebook to see if I could message him there or someone he was with to see if he was coming back but he had deleted it. At this point I must admit I felt really let down and upset which might have been hormones. Kept trying to ring and his phone was still off. It got to around 1 in the morning and I did something really petty and put my key in the door so he would have trouble getting in. The main reason was that I didn't want him to just sneak in and pretend that he hadn't got drunk but I also wanted to scare him maybe and have a confrontation which was shit of me.

10 mins later I hear his key in the door so I got up to let him in and he was obviously drunk (red bleary eyes and stunk). I was really pissed off at this point and basically said he was drunk and he'd let me down. He got really angry and said he wasn't hmm. This carried on while I was standing in the doorway then he started to kick the door and pushed me out of the way.

At this point I did feel a bit scared as I hadn't seen him like this before, he was shouting about how his phone had died and he fell asleep on the train home that's why he was so late then kept saying he was drunk then that he wasn't. I said why when he realised his phone had died did he not try to contact me as he knew I was cramping and he kept waving it in my face saying it was dead then kind of threw it at me. I then put the phone in my pocket and said just go to bed then.

At this point he completely freaked out and started screaming at me to give his phone back, how I was an idiot and crazy then he grabbed my legs and started to shake them , got in my face and called me a fucking cunt.

After this I felt like he really had something to hide so I said to go upstairs and sleep it off then in the morning I would take dd to my mums and stay there. At this point he started saying it was he property and he would call the police!! I said fine call the police and tell them that you've come home drunk and had an argument with your heavily pregnant wife I'm sure they'll care so he did but then hung up before he spoke to an operator. He turned his back on me at this point so I quickly went upstairs and said I was going to bed. He followed me up to threaten me with the police again then call me names but I just ignored it at this point.

After a little while I switched his phone on but put it on flight mode and read his texts. I know this was a really crap thing to do but I really felt like he was hiding something as he'd never acted like that before. Anyway there was a WhatsApp message from a really pretty women of a photo. The photo wasn't downloaded but you could kind of see it was just a picture of them in a pub, this was the only message. I looked in his other message folder and there was another message from her but it was just a smiley face. At this point I did feel really jealous and assumed that he had deleted all the previous conversations from her.

I went downstairs, which I shouldn't have done and asked who she was and he started saying well what was in the messages. I lied (again stupid) and said that I would give him a chance to tell me what was going on he just kept asking what I had seen. I ended up telling him that I thought he had deleted all the messages so he said so you don't know anything then. Then said that she had come to his drinks and given him her number and asked him to stay in touch. Looking back this is entirely possible, if it was a guy or a a woman who wasn't as attractive I'm sure I wouldn't have jumped to the same conclusion.

Now I'm sitting downstairs thinking that this is such a mess we've obviously both been stupid tonight but I don't think I can forget or forgive the aggressiveness and complete look of disgust and contempt he had on his face when talking to me. I know that I acted like a complete idiot but I don't think I deserved the reaction I got.

Now I'm having more regular contractions and just waiting till a reasonable time to ring my mum and ask if I can stay there and also if she'll be my birth partner now. I feel so embarrassed and really don't know what to say to anyone.

Ginoholic Sat 01-Oct-16 05:45:56

Oh gosh OP how awful for you shock
I'm not even going to go into what I think of your husband right now other than I am gobsmacked by his behaviour - he really should be ashamed of himself.
I have no real advice apart from get your things together and head to your mums. If she is now going to be your birthing partner - do you have someone other than your husband to look after DD?

Ginoholic Sat 01-Oct-16 05:47:52

And to answer your question- it was 100% your husbands fault.
Who on earth thinks it's acceptable to go out drinking heavily when your are 38w pregnant?!

nippey Sat 01-Oct-16 05:50:33

So sorry, this is awful. Your husbands behaviour is absolutely unacceptable, he should be deeply ashamed.

I would get your DD and things together and go to your mums, everything will be clearer once you are away from the house and you can work out all the details with support from your family. You have nothing to be embarrassed about at all.

timeforabrewnow Sat 01-Oct-16 05:50:49

sad

None of that was your fault. You are not an idiot. Please go to your Mum's as the previous poster just said.

phillipp Sat 01-Oct-16 05:52:43

You are not to blame. Although it's never a good idea to try and engineer a confrontation, this is not your fault at all.

He has acted like a complete dick. The getting drunk, the anger, the kicking, the calling, the police, the random woman who has appeared.

Why would she ask a man she just met in a night out to keep in touch?

If I were you I would be going straight to your mums. Can you get a taxi to her house?

IDontBowlOnShabbos Sat 01-Oct-16 06:01:20

I will definitely go when my dd is up. At the moment he is asleep in the room with all my stuff and I can't face another confrontation/conversation.

Luckily dd didn't wake up last night but I don't want to get her up now and freak her out so my plan is to wait for her to wake up naturally then say we are going to stay at Nanas for a few days like it's an adventure. She loves my mum so she won't mind and I don't anticipate H really giving a shit today I'm sure he'll have the hump with me anyway.

Luckily cramps haven't progressed any further so hopefully there won't be a rush this morning and I have a midwife appointment later on so I can ask her to check to see if things are progressing.

I just feel fucking crushed now. This week we've been saying about how great our life is and how this new job will mean that we have so much more security and now I'm going to be a single mum with two kids and nowhere to live! I'm such a failure.

Diamogs Sat 01-Oct-16 06:04:18

None of this is your fault. He was drunk, abusive and aggressive and from reading these boards it would seem that this is likely to escalate.

I would get your stuff and leave OP.

IDontBowlOnShabbos Sat 01-Oct-16 06:05:09

Sorry should have been clearer Phillipp he said the woman was someone from his old work. If I'm honest I still feel a bit uneasy about it but that might just be my own issues.

Optimist3 Sat 01-Oct-16 06:08:00

Can you tell your mum that you don't want to discuss things in any detail because you are about to give birth and need to concentrate on that. You can't be getting upset by going over what's happened but the gist is that DH came back drunk and was awful. You won't be explaining in any more detail right now but you need her to be your birth partner.

abbsismyhero Sat 01-Oct-16 06:08:49

He is drunk so will be sleeping heavily anyway pack dds stuff then grab your own

Optimist3 Sat 01-Oct-16 06:14:14

The woman might be a non issue and an old friend. Alternatively seeing her and being drunk might have partly triggered his behaviour. Or Maybe there is something going on?

Was his phone battery flat? Did he lie to you about it being flat?

Optimist3 Sat 01-Oct-16 06:16:49

I would also be tempted to text him an account of what exactly happened just in case he can't remember. What a nob.

IDontBowlOnShabbos Sat 01-Oct-16 06:22:20

I've just rung my mum and she said it's fine to go to hers and stay. Ended up telling her what happened and agreed I need to leave.

All I'm worried about at the moment is my dd and what to say. She's only 4 but really sensitive. Can't believe how fucked up this situation is now.

Optimist3 Sat 01-Oct-16 06:25:48

Well done. Just tell DD you are all lucky to be staying with your mum as you will be needing extra help soon.

Optimist3 Sat 01-Oct-16 06:26:08

Was the phone battery flat?

IDontBowlOnShabbos Sat 01-Oct-16 06:26:57

No it was flat so he wasn't lying. I just think that if the situation was reversed and my phone died or looked like it was about to die when I knew he might need to really contact me at some point I would go home not stay out drinking all night.

Plus I wouldn't then get angry at him about being angry. I just feel like I don't really know him. We've been together 10 years nearly and I never thought he would be capable of this.

Optimist3 Sat 01-Oct-16 06:27:57

Can you make it an adventure for her?

Optimist3 Sat 01-Oct-16 06:29:45

It's not your fault. Yes he should have come home when his battery was flat. Or used a friends phone for contact.

Chinnygirl Sat 01-Oct-16 06:29:52

What a selfish dick. Concentrate on your pregnancy and birth and let your mun take good care of you.

Optimist3 Sat 01-Oct-16 06:30:27

What's he like when drunk normally? If he ever gets drunk?

Optimist3 Sat 01-Oct-16 06:32:53

You are doing the right thing

CoYoAddict Sat 01-Oct-16 06:33:29

Well the main lesson you've learned is never bother to argue with someone about the fact that they are a drunken twat while they are still in the throes of being a drunken twat. It can only EVER make things worse.

He has behaved appallingly but had you just silently fumed when he came home and then given him hell in the morning it probably wouldn't have happened. That's not to say in any way that you deserved it or you are to blame, just that there are ways of making shit situations even more shit, throwing petrol on the fire as it were, and this was one of them.

I'm not going to advise you on where to to go from here, I'll leave that to others. It sounds as though he has form for getting frequently shitfaced to a degree that really bothers and worries you though.

I'll just advise you that next time you are angry with a very drunk person (be it him, should he get the chance to stick around, or anyone else) it's better to walk away and leave them to make a pathetic fool of themselves and save any arguments or accusations for when they've sobered up. At least then they are capable of actually understanding why you are so upset instead of just instantly going on the defensive.

IDontBowlOnShabbos Sat 01-Oct-16 06:41:39

It always feels like there's a bit of tension when he goes out and drinks. If he's indoors then we might argue about politics or something and he'll get a bit shouty but I'll usually just leave him to it when that happens.
When he goes out he usually says he'll only be out for a few then just stays out till whenever. To be fair though I have been guilty of this in the past and I know it's easy to get carried away when you're having a laugh with your mates.

It just feels worse when I'm pregnant as I can't do anything and I look like shit. We did have an argument last month when he said he was going out to watch the football with a mate and came back at 3 after loosing his phone. That night he'd been clubbing with his mate and his new girlfriend and her friend which really pissed me off! It does feel like every time he goes out he looses something or breaks something or gets lost or falls asleep somewhere random. It's just so predictable that there will be some drama and I'm really sick of it. We're not teenagers anymore.

FireflyGirl Sat 01-Oct-16 06:55:18

Who TF goes on a full-on drunken night out with a heavily pregnant wife at home exhibiting pre-labour signs and no backup plan?!?

DH was so worried about me going into labour and not being able to reach him, he bought a (cheap, about £8) second brick phone to ensure he was always contactable. I sent him He went on a stag do when I was 37 weeks; all local friends and family were on alert just I'm case! DS was born at dead on 38 weeks!

YANBU, there is never any excuse for the sort of behaviour he has displayed. Go to your Mum's, get looked after, and good luck for the labour flowers

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