To think my MIL is BVU?

(168 Posts)
WombOfOnesOwn Fri 30-Sep-16 00:27:40

Once a week, my husband and I go to his parents' house for the evening and overnight. We have a 7 month old son, and these visits have been vital to our mental health as we get at least one night with no baby wakeup each week...His father cares for the baby from 8 to 4, at which point his mother, who is a doctor and wakes very early, takes over. My son is a very good sleeper, generally 7-7, with 1 wakeup most nights, 2 occasionally, more on a bad night like post vax fever.

I have just found out my MIL last night went in at his wakeup time and, when he wouldn't settle quickly, decided to take him out of his bed, turn on the light, and play with him on the floor!

My husband and I have done our absolute best to ensure that our son's nighttime wakeups are responded to with low stimulation and no light (it is much harder for him to sleep with light). When he has these wakeups at home, we touch him gently or sing to him...at most, he gets singing, in arms, in the dark.

Apparently this is not the first time this has happened.

I am livid. Our baby has been a great sleeper and in recent weeks has seemed less so, or will greet us with his laugh that says "I want to play" instead of his usual sleepytime smile.

My husband doesn't understand why the thought of our little boy being put on the floor with the light turned on at 4 AM is making me so upset. Am I just being a crazy PFB mom? Or is my MIL absolutely daffy for even considering doing that?

Nanny0gg Fri 30-Sep-16 00:32:46

Your MiL is nuts. However. It may be that she tries to settle your DC and he won't co-operate so she is going with the flow and keeping him amused so he doesn't wake you up.

TBH your son is a very good sleeper (I would have killed for my DC to have slept so much) so she can't have caused that much disruption.

gemsparkle84 Fri 30-Sep-16 00:34:28

I think she's ridiculous. I don't think I would be livid but I'd make it clear to her that's not how you want to respond to your child during the night.

RortyCrankle Fri 30-Sep-16 00:35:33

I couldn't have children so you can safely ignore what I say but I can't see what the problem is to be honest. However, your baby, your rules so I suggest you no longer stay overnight at your PILs which will give you total control over your baby's sleeping.

Superstar90 Fri 30-Sep-16 00:35:56

You're mil is doing the wrong thing but my gosh they are being fantastic pil and have gone above and beyond offering you this support so I don't think you can say anything to them just be grateful they are letting you sleep once a week!

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp Fri 30-Sep-16 00:36:36

Don't let her have him then?

You say your son is a good sleeper...... but also say them having him is 'vital'

Which is it?

usual Fri 30-Sep-16 00:37:10

So they look after him one night a week so you can sleep? And you are moaning she doesn't follow your rules.

The easy answer is to look after him yourself.

allsfairinlove Fri 30-Sep-16 00:42:59

How did you find out?

Batteriesallgone Fri 30-Sep-16 00:44:23

Often babies won't settle. If you don't want them to cry you end up playing with them. It's not something to be livid about. Normally I would say MIL should follow your rules but over this? Nah. Unless you have health problems or something this help isn't 'vital' and you sound like you are taking it for granted.

Sunshineonacloudyday Fri 30-Sep-16 00:50:52

It would upset me have a word with her about it. She's a doctor she has to be a reasonable person to be dealing with all sorts.

Groaningmyrtle Fri 30-Sep-16 00:51:25

I can't believe you're complaining about this in these terms bvu and being livid. Could understand it if you were posting about feeling awkward about raising the subject with her. But really, so many new parents neither have a baby that sleeps that well nor anyone that takes over night time sleeps for their 'mental health'. Your in laws sound fab and yabu.

Sunshineonacloudyday Fri 30-Sep-16 00:51:38

You are so luck 7-7 tell me you're secret.

Sunshineonacloudyday Fri 30-Sep-16 00:53:08

My second child was a good sleeper where did I go wrong with him.

allofadaze Fri 30-Sep-16 00:53:37

Although I get where you're coming from, I think 'livid' is a bit strong, and you are possibly being a bit PFB (however I look back at myself and some of the things that filled me with rage when my first was that age and I do cringe a bit, so it is understandable wink.

As the others have said, your PIL are being very kind in doing this for you (I would have given my right arm for someone to take my second for even half the night when he was little) and so I think you need to be careful in how you approach it. Personally, I would go down the line of 'we are so grateful for your help, it really does make a world of difference to us. But we were a bit concerned about playing with him in the early hours, only because it seems to be affecting him for the rest of the week - if he's being difficult to settle, please do come and wake one of us up and we'll take over' or whatever.

Do you think if MIL works and leaves early, it might be a bit of an excuse to see him before she goes to work though?

SuramarMom Fri 30-Sep-16 00:54:00

If my Mil or Dm had the babies once a week so I could sleep she could do the conga with them at 4am if she wanted to.

icingonthewall Fri 30-Sep-16 00:56:11

I know NOBODY who has had this sort of support from parents/in-laws. You are incredibly incredibly lucky. It's clearly not hurting him in any way - and it's v unlikely that it's this that's changed his sleep pattern. I'd let it go entirely (perhaps with a mild comment about 'the books say it's better to...'

Discopanda Fri 30-Sep-16 00:57:20

Trust me, as far as PIL problems go, you've got it easy! Yes, playing at 4am isn't ideal but no harm done. Hopefully it was just a one off, when DD1 was about that age she used to wake up at 6am, have a feed then go back to sleep until 9. One morning she wouldn't settle so I let her have a little play at 6, she was soon sleepy and dozed off until 9, didn't ruin her sleeping pattern in the long run.

GingerbreadLatteToGo Fri 30-Sep-16 00:58:12

Of course she Is BU. It's utterly ridiculous to start that routine! 4am is for sleeping, not playing.

However, you are being a million times more unreasonable camping out at your inlaws once a week because you have a 7month old that wakes once/twice a night. The child has two parents, that's plenty for you to both get a full nights sleep every other night & one weekend lie in. For goodness sake.

greenlolly Fri 30-Sep-16 01:00:21

She is not your staff shock

If you are going to hand over the overnight care of your child to someone who a) is doing you a huge favour, b) doing it entirely for your benefit and c) has to go to work in the morning; you lose all rights to being "livid" about how she goes about it. You always have the option to sleep in your own house.

notthebees Fri 30-Sep-16 01:02:14

Look after him yourself if you don't agree with your MIL's methods. Your PIL's are doing you a massive favour.

Canyouforgiveher Fri 30-Sep-16 01:03:09

I can't believe you're complaining about this in these terms bvu and being livid. Could understand it if you were posting about feeling awkward about raising the subject with her. But really, so many new parents neither have a baby that sleeps that well nor anyone that takes over night time sleeps for their 'mental health'. Your in laws sound fab and yabu.

Seriously.

and these visits have been vital to our mental health as we get at least one night with no baby wakeup each week.

How is that vital for your mental health? Are you ok? Do you have other issues going on? You've said your baby sleeps 7-7 with maybe one wake up per night? How on earth is it vital for your mental health to actually decamp one night a week to parents in law who are doing their own jobs/lives etc and let them do what is normal for most parents - get up with a baby once in the night.

If your baby had colic I could understand but really your post is so outside my reality of what ordinary parents deal with routinely that I am bewildered by it.

stitchglitched Fri 30-Sep-16 01:03:33

I don't understand why two grown adults need so much help with a baby that sleeps 12 hours a night with not much waking. But since you do seem to need that support you are massively unreasonable to be angry with your MIL. She is up out of her bed at 4am to do you a favour. If you don't like what she is doing get up yourself.

greenlolly Fri 30-Sep-16 01:03:46

Actually, I probably need to clarify that for you.

You always have the option to sleep in your own house with your own child.

Sunshineonacloudyday Fri 30-Sep-16 01:05:42

How do you feel in general op it can be an emotional time.

ICJump Fri 30-Sep-16 01:07:32

So your MIL who once a week ensure you get a full night sleep decided to have a play with her grandchild? That seams pretty reasonable.
If you don't like what she does your option is getting up yourself.

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