To think my OH has been a bit selfish

(72 Posts)
sillylionheart Thu 29-Sep-16 19:25:28

I've been with my OH for a year. Known each other for four. He's due to move in with me very soon.

Earlier this year he bought a new car which I helped him choose. I went with him for the test drive, and spoke quite a bit with the sales rep etc. to make sure he would get a good deal.

Initially we were going to buy the car together, but my OH told me that there was no point in me contributing, but he'd be happy to put me on the insurance which I would pay for.

He let me drive it twice but after that said he would rather give me lessons before I get in again. I have a full license but don't drive that much and am a bit rusty, but didn't make any real blunders!

I have bad anxiety about driving and have spent a lot of evenings crying to him about the fact that I'm frustrated that I can't get out and about more because my fears are holding me back. He uses my driveway to park the car on every day, but I just feel a bit upset that he's never said to me "Come on, let's get you out for a drive to get your confidence up". I feel if the roles were reversed I'd do everything I could to help him be a bit happier and help him with something he has a problem with.

He's now said he doesn't want me insured on the car at all "because it was expensive", and suggested I buy my own. He knows that me buying a car would use up all of my savings and he has much, much more money than I do.

I know I'm probably being a bit over sensitive about this but would just like another perspective.

tibbawyrots Thu 29-Sep-16 19:28:13

Do you really want him moving in with you now? I would have him move his car from my drive pronto.
He's beginning to show you his true colours.

No you're not being over sensitive.

booksandcoffee Thu 29-Sep-16 19:29:46

It sounds like he is a selfish arsenal, to be honest. I hope he has some nicer qualities.

wheresthel1ght Thu 29-Sep-16 19:30:03

I would get a proper driving instructor to give you some refresher lessons and then maybe get a cheap run about to build up your confidence.

I was terrified of driving and it took me til I was nearly 30 to get over it enough to learn to drive. My best friend as a young teenager was killed by a drunk driver so I really struggled with the "behind the wheel of a killing machine" thing so I do understand your anxiety.

I do think your partner is being a bit of a knob but I also kid of understand why he is concerned if it was a new car.

Beardsareweird Thu 29-Sep-16 19:31:03

Run away now before you move in together.

OwlinaTree Thu 29-Sep-16 19:31:42

Before he moves in you need to chat about this. How does he see finances working? How do you? Are you guys going to pool all resources straight away? Is he moving into your house you own?

The car is part of this wider picture really.

Superstar90 Thu 29-Sep-16 19:31:51

Yanbu - he's being a bit selfish and showing you his true colours. My alarm bells would have rung when he said he didn't want to buy car together. I'd talk to him about how you feel.

happypoobum Thu 29-Sep-16 19:32:41

Is this the tip of the iceberg?

He doesn't sound like the sort of supportive partner I would want to be moving in with.

FetchezLaVache Thu 29-Sep-16 19:33:53

He doesn't sound very nice, OP.

Re him moving in assuming you still want him to - have you agreed what his contribution to rent/bills/food will be? He doesn't sound the sharing type.

Superstar90 Thu 29-Sep-16 19:34:02

Ps def you need to have 'the chat' about finances and assets and what you both expect to happen re money. Doesn't matter how things are split or paid for as long as you are both on same page and happy - sounds like you might have different ideas tho here!

MrsTerryPratchett Thu 29-Sep-16 19:34:09

I would seriously reconsider moving in. Have you discussed finances?

dudsville Thu 29-Sep-16 19:35:27

I'd he can't be supportive with this op then you need to think and talk. Is he using this issue to express fears he himself may have about moving in? It doesn't need to be a deal breaker if it can help bring you twould toward better communication.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Thu 29-Sep-16 19:36:33

Tell him your will be charging him to park his car on your driveway as you need to save for car /lessons now!
Is that the ice cream van I hear or twat alert bells??

GwendolineLacey Thu 29-Sep-16 19:42:51

Honestly - it sounds like your driving was a bit worse than you're thinking it was, to the point where he's worried for the car. Unless he's normally nasty to you? It can be really scary being in a car with someone who is very anxious about driving (I thought my ex was a total asshole in the car with me because he would be hiding his eyes and hitting the imaginary break a lot but I was AWFUL, it was only later on when I was a much calmer and more proficient driver and in a car with someone who was scared witless by being in traffic that I realised how scary it can be).

Maybe try sound him out on how he feels with you driving the car, with your driving as it is, and look at getting some lessons in an instructors car to get your confidence up? Honestly I wouldn't want someone with anxiety about driving on the road in my car either

sillylionheart Thu 29-Sep-16 19:44:43

Thank you for the replies.

Mybearded, that gave me a good laugh!

We've talked about what will happen when he moves in and he's happy it'll be 50/50.

It just dawned on me tonight that he's never offered to help me get over my worry and said "Grab the keys. We're going for a spin!".

I've said to him literally hundreds of times that I just wish I could feel confident about driving and that I'd love my own car, but I feel too worried to test them.

Tip of the ice berg sounds about right, to be honest sad

dybil Thu 29-Sep-16 19:49:27

if you've only been together a year, and he bought the car earlier this year, then that does sound pretty early in the relationship to be making large joint purchases.

And I agree with GwendolineLacey on the rest.

HandbagCrazy Thu 29-Sep-16 19:54:40

I think YABU.

It's not his responsibility to push you into conquering your fears. What is stopping you asking him to take you out in the car if it frustrates you so much? You are an adult and if you need support you need to ask, not get upset about the issue then blame him because he hasn't put a plan of action together for you.

If he bought the car a few months ago I don't think you were established enough to have any rights to his car. Me and DH were together a good few years before we shared one - for us the issue is that he loves his car but I just want one that works, therefore, his is better more expensive than mine.

If he earns more than you, 50/50 may not be fair though, so I would be looking at that before he moves in.

manyathingyouknow Thu 29-Sep-16 19:55:20

I kind of agree with Gwendoline.

If he'd offered to buy it and put you on the insurance and wasn't bothered about you contributing then I fail to see how that's selfish.

It's a bit frightening to be in the car with someone who is a terrible or anxious driver. Add to that the fact that he's paying for the car then I might be a bit hesitant myself.

Also, many people are not cut out for teaching people or coaching them. My dad (the loveliest man on the planet) used to get very stressed and admitted he found it hard to take me out before I passed my test.

If he's nice otherwise then I think it's slightly unreasonable

OwlinaTree Thu 29-Sep-16 19:57:59

50/50 finances sound good. You say he has much more money than you, is that because he earns a lot more? Me and dh split by percentage. To start with I earned more so paid more. Now he earns more. This way it's a bit fairer.

Penfold007 Thu 29-Sep-16 19:59:25

If you are not insured to drive the car you can't go for a spin. You need to deal with your driving anxiety and go from there. If you don't want him parking on your drive say so.

Rumpelstiltskin143 Thu 29-Sep-16 19:59:31

If that's the only thing he's funny about, I can see him not wanting you to practice in a new car, sign yourself up for some "lessons".

Nocabbageinmyeye Thu 29-Sep-16 20:01:48

I think yabu. I don't get people saying he is showing his true colours?? Not buying the car together when you don't live together is just sensible and I'd be very reluctant to let anyone who was that anxious and upset behind the wheel of my car. I think he is right actually, if you are that anxious you need to pay a professional instructor to help you before you go on the road again

ZenNudist Thu 29-Sep-16 20:04:10

I don't know if he's an I generous soul or not. 50-50 is fine but he should be spending on luxuries or saving for the both of you too, not having a great time when you are badly off.

When he moves in that will fee up some cash for you to get your own car and lessons, sod him, get some outside help. Tbh I think you just need your own car and practice. Don't wait for him to take you out. Do it yourself!

Nocabbageinmyeye Thu 29-Sep-16 20:04:15

Actually I think you are being petty as well as unreasonable, I assume he parks on your drive when he is there to see you? All the shite about going to see the car and "helping him get a good deal" is irrelevant too I think

JellyBelli Thu 29-Sep-16 20:05:55

He's now said he doesn't want me insured on the car at all "because it was expensive", and suggested I buy my own. He knows that me buying a car would use up all of my savings and he has much, much more money than I do.

Big red flag here. Please delay moving in together. Originally you were going to be able to pay your insurance and use this car.

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