Is it not cool anymore to actually tell your child off?

(119 Posts)
HulkSpiderParent Wed 28-Sep-16 16:20:34

Aibu to think that maybe some parents could actually say 'hey that wasn't nice' or 'don't push'. Or am I in the minority now that has to endure filthy looks when I tell a child off for behaviour that the parent should be pulling up?

Examples:
2 siblings on climbing frame lunge towards my ds and follow him and push him over. Parents stood gossiping while I go pick up my ds and tell their child that behaviour was unacceptable. Mother sends her friend over proclaiming to not know what happened and shocked I told them off (children of around 3 and 6. My ds is 3).

A different 2 siblings rampaging around a small play area in a shopping centre, pushing other much smaller children over (offending children about 6 and 3). Older child pushes ds out of the way followed by the younger one who then not only tries to push ds out of the way again, but grabs ds by his shirt. This time ds reacts and shouts 'stop pushing me' and grabs them back to stop falling off the ramp. Crying ensues. I go get ds but say nothing to the child as the mother is there. Sit down next to the mother who gets her dc. Sit awaiting mother to say something along the lines of 'that wasn't nice... you don't push... ' or anything to her dc.
But no. Just the usual rhetoric 'I didn't see what happened..' ...of course not. You weren't watching.
I say 'your daughter pushed him nearly off the ramp and when your son did the same he reacted when your son grabbed him by the shirt and tried to push him off as well'.
'oh well. No harm done hey?' is the reply.

No of course not. You're basically just saying to them it's fine to behave badly and not apologise. Good for you.

I know my child is no angel. I will make him apologise if he pushes or behaves badly which he sometimes does, as do all children.

Aibu though to think that this wet weekend parenting undermines everything I'm trying to install in mine. As in if you behave badly towards others you are held accountable and apologise?

HulkSpiderParent Wed 28-Sep-16 16:23:19

Instill. Install probably makes them a robot child.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Wed 28-Sep-16 16:35:35

A lot of parents seem to have an allergy to discipline. It's makes me mad. Good help their poor teachers and society 5-10 years down the line.
However you can't win. If you do shout at them. You have people saying, The way she shouted at that poor child. He was only throwing stones. And if you don't shout, it's choruses of "I know what I'd do if they were mine.

crayfish Wed 28-Sep-16 16:39:42

I went to a baby group recently and there was a sort of 'lecture' on how you should never ever say 'no' to a child. It went on for ages about how 'no' was damaging and stifling to their creativity or some other bollocks - honestly I think it's ike the twilight zone at some of these places. How are you supposed to teach children any sort of discipline if you can't say no or tell them off if they do something naughty or dangerous?

HeyNannyNanny Wed 28-Sep-16 16:40:26

I'd be mortified if any of my nanny-kids behaved like this. Any antisocial is met with a stern reprimand, time out to calm down and an apology to the other child. I will also apologise myself.

I overheard somewhere that you should never say "no" to a child as it is too negative, and you should offer distractions and alternatives rather than reprimands or rules. Which is utter bulls hit. Children can feel loved and secure and still be taught manners and good behaviour.

HeyNannyNanny Wed 28-Sep-16 16:41:03

X-post crayfish grin

crayfish Wed 28-Sep-16 16:43:25

Ah the no saying 'no' thing is obviously a bit of a trend then! Don't get me wrong, I want my DS to feel loved and cherished and secure but you can manage those things without letting them completely run wild.

honkinghaddock Wed 28-Sep-16 16:45:38

Sometimes it is better to use words like stop or wait. Overuse of no can mean a child just filters it out.

Northanter Wed 28-Sep-16 16:46:20

Crayfish I went to a baby group when DC was small and got the same lecture. There were only 4 parents there, we were all sitting with a combination of hmm and confused faces.

Ausernotanumber Wed 28-Sep-16 16:48:03

My SIL doesn't believe in saying no to her children. She believes it stunts their emotional development or some such crap.

I avoid her and her badly banned boys as much as possible.

bruffin Wed 28-Sep-16 16:48:30

Ive just come back from 3 weeks in California and parenting there is awful, they talk the no saying no to a whole other level. Long conversations about why a child shouldnt be standing on the inside of a spiral staircase rather than a nice sharp get down now. Never come across so many spoilt children who think the world revolves around them.

MrsJayy Wed 28-Sep-16 16:49:03

It's not A new thing my youngest is 18 and you got parents like this back then it's really frustrating

Ausernotanumber Wed 28-Sep-16 16:51:28

*behaved

IamaButtercup Wed 28-Sep-16 16:53:36

you don't have to shout at kids but a gentle and firm reprimand is fine. no one is advocating verbal abuse of kids. just setting firm boundaries. in my local library we often have kids running around and talking loudly. I asked the librarian why because when I was young, in the early 80s, I was told libraries are quiet places! librarian said "we try to tell the kids, but then parents get upset"

gymbummy Wed 28-Sep-16 16:54:14

There's a little shit bag in DD's class who constantly hurts other kids. All became clear when I saw him punch another child in the face to which his mother responded: "Ooohh! Frankaaaaaayyyyy, you little sod" with a smile and a ruffle of his hair. She then shrugged her shoulders and said "Boys eh?"

HulkSpiderParent Wed 28-Sep-16 16:54:27

Yes this obsession with not saying no. It just gets on my last nerve.

I have witnessed a grandparent take a child to the library and the 20mth old grab ds and start shoving and pushing him and them say nothing. Ds stood looking at me as if 'why is nobody stopping this?' While she sat laughing saying 'oh look...he's not happy..ha' while another mother of a similar age child smiled approvingly. Until it was when her dc got eye gouged by said sweet playful little 20mth old and they she just let her child whack it back and then announce 'oh you stood up for yourself little man...you fought bravely'.

Am I in a different universe? Why does nobody step in anymore and say stop. Or god forbid the 'no' word? Children surely look to us to see what's acceptable or not. All I see are children not told their behaviour is wrong and then the precious prince or princess is comforted because of my child shouting 'stop pushing me'. Really.

I said to dh the other week. We are in for a nightmare in a few years time with this farce.

blushrush Wed 28-Sep-16 16:57:41

What, wait? You're no supposed to say 'no' to a child? Really?

I can picture it now...

Child: Mummy, can I stick my hand on this lit barbecue?

Mum: Well my little one, think about the consequences of your actions and perhaps we can come to some agreement for the fut...

Child: sticks hand on flaming hot BBQ waiting for mummy to finish her rhetoric

Yeah, I can see that working out beautifully...hmm

ToneDeafHamster Wed 28-Sep-16 16:58:53

I feel like I spend my whole day saying no! Its exhausting. Maybe thats why most people don't bother! confused

HulkSpiderParent Wed 28-Sep-16 17:00:15

I sound really old and 'not in my day'. But I'm actually concerned with the completely odd parenting style that has been adopted. We're pumped full of 'hugs and kisses' which is amazing and I agree. But this does not mean you don't say that behaviour is wrong. I agree with people saying don't shout but when my child is being pushed off high play equipment then I'm sorry but those other children need to know that it's dangerous so I'm going to yell STOP.

Not going to apologise for terrifying little children with my voice if ds is in danger.

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion Wed 28-Sep-16 17:00:58

It's such bullshit, isn't it? I'm told no as an adult, because there are rules and laws and junk.

I say no to adults, too. Because some things aren't OK and they need to be told.

Why is this any different for kids?

blushrush Wed 28-Sep-16 17:02:30

Exactly Noncommittal, they're going to hear 'no' a lot as adults so might as well get them used to it early!

blushrush Wed 28-Sep-16 17:02:40

Exactly Noncommittal, they're going to hear 'no' a lot as adults so might as well get them used to it early!

MrsJayy Wed 28-Sep-16 17:02:58

The not saying no has gone our of con text and a bit OTT it was meant if a child is constantly tolld np they switch off it shouldn't mean you never say no

blushrush Wed 28-Sep-16 17:05:39

Ah MrsJayy that makes more sense!

I know that they say there's no point in saying 'no' if you never follow it up. Then it just becomes an empty threat and the child starts to ignore it

IceBeing Wed 28-Sep-16 17:08:50

I don't think kids should be shouted at...but I also think parents should be exposed to the behaviour their kids are dealing out.

I think wandering up to parent and pushing them/grabbing their shirts would have worked well here. I would imagine there would be all sorts of objections to that...so why is it okay to let kids do it?

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