to have ran out of Bridget Jones in a flood of tears

(25 Posts)
GeordieBadgers Tue 27-Sep-16 15:55:30

I had an abortion 4 months ago. Thought it was the right idea at the time. Wasn't sure if my relationship was steady, etc. DP didn't want me to have the abortion but I went through it anyway.

4 months later and we're still together. We've blended our families and all us fling well. Both agrees abortion was a mistake so I came off the pill a montg ago. Got my period today.

My mum wanted to see Bridget Jones baby. I thought it would be safe lighthearted British bants. Instead it was an incredibly triggering sentimental mush of baby scans and bump feeling. I literally couldn't see it through to the end a day had to leave the cinema early. Thought I was about to have a panic attack.. Mum acted like she couldn't understand why I was so upset.

I texted DP and told him about the cinema experience. He acted equally confused at my upset. When I explained that I found it triggering he replied simply "ok".

I'm worried that this abortion is going to haunt me forever and I can't even see mainstream comedy films anymore. Also kama may result in me unable to be one pregnant again.

GeordieBadgers Tue 27-Sep-16 15:56:32

Loads of typos there. Sorry. Phone and tears.

ProseccoBitch Tue 27-Sep-16 15:59:22

I'm sorry, I can understand exactly why you felt like that and it sounds like DM and DP weren't very understanding, maybe they just thought everything was OK because you were trying again and didn't understand why it had upset you so much? Not as bad but DP were seriously on the rocks recently and he suggested we watch First Dates and before the channel had even been changed I burst into tears and sobbed all night. It's funny the things that will set you off. Maybe you need to let yourself grieve a bit, then try to think positive and look forward with hope. Take care.

Jackie0 Tue 27-Sep-16 16:00:00

I can't think why your dp and dm are confused , it's a perfectly understandable reaction.
I've been avoiding anything pregnancy related for years .
I'll probably give Bridget a miss.
You'll be okay op, give it time.

GeordieBadgers Tue 27-Sep-16 16:03:49

* ProseccoBitch* First Dates is depressing. Watching others in the first flush of romance can feel like a stake through the heart if your relationship is rocky.

GeordieBadgers Tue 27-Sep-16 16:05:52

I feel desperately empty inside, barren, lonely, useless. I fear I'll never get pregnant again because kama is a bitch. I'm 34 and DP should just find someone younger and more fertile 😢

(Yeah I know Bridget was 43 in the film, but still).

Sparklesilverglitter Tue 27-Sep-16 16:15:06

I think you need to remember that you made your decision to have an abortion based on your life at the time, which is all you can do and now you have to let yourself except that decision and move forward.

I think maybe your dp just didn't know what to say, which I can understand. you say he didn't want you to have the abortion but I assume he supported you in this. Maybe he didn't realise until today that you felt such regret

FrazzleRock Tue 27-Sep-16 16:19:36

I don't blame you! I definitely won't be watching it. I can't even look at a pregnant woman in the street let alone sit through two hours of all that.

My mum mentioned the film to me (she knows full well what I have been through) and I said there is absolutely no way I can sit through that. She just gave me the confused look. I couldn't be arsed to explain. She has never had a miscarriage so she would have no idea.

SpookyRachel Tue 27-Sep-16 16:21:45

I'm so sorry the people you love couldn't understand why you need support over this. I completely understand. Please try to be gentle with yourself: four months is a very short time and you are still in recovery.
You are mourning an important loss; just because you chose abortion doesn't mean you can't feel bereaved and bereft.

But please stop worrying about your fertility. You know that fertility doctors treat a previous abortion as a good sign for future fertility, not a bad sign? Simply because it shows that you can get pregnant, and it does not make future pregnancy less likely. You have not damaged your fertility. You will get pregnant again, and this time it will be the right time. Just be sure that this IS the right time, not a grief reaction.

I had an abortion 35 years ago. I still feel sad about it sometimes. That doesn't mean it was the wrong decision. You will be ok. Just look after yourself. If the grief feelings don't recede soon, consider some post-abortion counselling. And best of luck.

Italiangreyhound Tue 27-Sep-16 16:26:25

I'm sorry you feel so upset and can totally understand why. I think 4 months ago is a very short time and maybe you need to grieve for this experience and accept what has happened. You may have chosen it at the time and regret it now, or simply feel sad. However you feel is how you feel, you need to listen to those feelings and look after yourself.

I think it was a very strange film to go and see in the light of your current circumstances, so odd for your mum to suggest it, odd for you to agree. I wonder if on some level you wanted to see about babies but what you saw has upset you.

I think you could have predicted that there would be those scenes in a film about a baby.

If your mum and partner do not understand how you feel, you will need to explain. Maybe they feel as you made the choice to end the pregnancy you will be OK with thinking about it, but maybe you are not.

Maybe you are not now not OK with it. Whatever you are feeling please be gentle on yourself and keep away from things that might be triggering. I expect in time to come you will be able to enjoy mainstream comedy again, I expect you cold now, just not ones about pregnancy, but at the moment films about babies should be off the cards.

And 34 is still relatively young so try not to worry too much. Your dp obviously wants to be with you and not someone else, younger or otherwise.

All the best thanks

Lorelei76 Tue 27-Sep-16 16:26:37

oh poor you - can I offer an unmumsnetty hug?

I don't know what your DP and DM didn't get, of course it's entirely understandable that you were upset. In short, YANBremotelyU!

GeordieBadgers Tue 27-Sep-16 16:28:24

Thanks for the replies everyone. I feel as though I'll never shake this regret and my life will always be taunted my this "lost child". I feel beyond able to control my emotions. Will it always be this way?

zoebarnes Tue 27-Sep-16 16:29:33

I echo spookyrachel's sentiment that you're allowed to feel sad about it. Give yourself some time. I had an abortion at 20. I'm 35 now and still get the odd pang, even though it was absolutely the right decision and I don't regret it.
If you't can get rl support, that's what the Internet is for. I'm sure there will be a board on mumsnet where you can talk about abortion and fertility in a safe space.

Italiangreyhound Tue 27-Sep-16 16:30:15

Cross posted with SpookyRachel and completely agree with her, post abortion counselling may be a way to go if these feelings continue.

Having been pregnant recently can make you more likely to be pregnant soon.

Benedikte2 Tue 27-Sep-16 16:31:07

OP I'm sure you didn't make the decision to terminate lightly and maybe if you had continued with the pregnancy your relationship would have faltered. Karma is not a good way to view the universe as its all about retribution, whereas viewing the universe as benevolent is much healthier.
Think of all the good things creation has brought you -- your children and your DP etc -- so much is a result of timing -- from the timing of conception to produce a particular individual, to meet someone etc etc. Try to trust that the future will bring you a particular and special baby and to be relaxed about it because that's often the secret to conception. -- hence the number of conceptions by supposedly infertile women after they have adopted.
You are still comparatively young re child bearing so need to panic on that account.
I guess your DM and DH just have little imagination. You wanted an abortion and you had one -- so why is she so upset?. Just tell them it's never a small matter, just what appears to be the best solution for everyone and most women are sad and emotional afterwards so you need TLC.
Good luck

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion Tue 27-Sep-16 16:33:55

Yanbu. I've not had an abortion, but for various reasons I won't be having another baby and I want one more than anything.

Anything baby related makes me a little sad right now. So I'm skipping the movie.

I hope your DP comes around and is a bit more supportive about it flowers

KellyBoo800 Tue 27-Sep-16 16:35:02

I can only imagine what you must be going through right now, and I really can't believe that your DM and DP don't understand it.

My (pregnant) best friend suggested we go and see this film together (I've been TTC for a year with no luck, she knows this) and didn't even think that I might want to avoid it until I pointed out that I couldn't imagine anything worse right now. But once I had pointed it out, she got it. Perhaps your DM and DP don't know what to say and so are avoiding it, but they should be more supportive.

Sending hugs and flowers

Benedikte2 Tue 27-Sep-16 16:35:48

X posted. No you won't always feel this way. Time is a great healer and you will become more philosophical about it. Most women have at least one miscarriage and the grief there eventually resolves . It doesn't help that society discourages us talking about lost pregnancies so women feel they have to bottle their feelings.

LadyDeGrump Tue 27-Sep-16 16:52:57

The fact that you are taking your abortion hard now doesn't mean you always will. There are specific circumstances which might make it more emotive - relationship going well, getting your period, seeing a hugely manipulative film about a surprise pregnancy.

You made the best decision you could at the time with the facts available. You cannot possibly know that making an alternative decision then would - with no good basis at the time to support it - have turned out better. Maybe your relationship or your mental health would have floundered under the strain of pregnancy and childbirth at that point in time. Maybe the pregnancy would not have gone to term successfully in any event.

Both of these suggestions are only hypotheses but so is the belief that it would or could have worked out well. Trust your past self. Just as today you trust your current self. Remember that "what if" where you cannot change something is a dead end or a route to sadness and madness.

Also think about whether DM and DPs unsympathetic reactions are intensifying your feelings.

LadyDeGrump Tue 27-Sep-16 16:57:24

Also, friends who have had abortions tell me that the sense of relief and that was the right decision often become stronger when you reach what would have been the natural end of the pregnancy anyway. It might be easier to think of the whatmighthavebeen as great when the alternative you now would be glowing with a bump and flooded with happy hormones and easier to accept the decision when the alternative you know would be dealing with the squalling, shitting, expensive and relationship/life disrupting consequence that would follow.

Throw another three months at it and remember that you knew yourself better at the time than you can with rose tinted if only glasses.

Eatthecake Tue 27-Sep-16 17:00:57

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling this way but you do really have to allow yourself to accept the decision you made and let yourself move forward. You made a decision for what was right in your life at that time.

I can see why your dp might not understand, if he didn't want the abortion and you did then maybe he's not relised you feel this way.

I myself at 23 had an abortion I was seeing an older guy and we had fun together but it was just sex, plain and simple. He had never wanted children and I'd just been offered a brilliant job so I had the abortion it was the best decision for me, I didn't feel great about it and even now I wonder if I did the right thing but it's done I can't go back. I now have a very loving DH and 4 DC amd my life is in a great place

SatsukiKusakabe Tue 27-Sep-16 17:06:03

People have different views on this. My view is that abortion is a big deal. I think if you felt that strongly that a pregnancy wasn't right for you at the time, for whatever reason, that you made that decision, then it must have been the right one for you. You can only go on the present; no one can see the future, so don't beat yourself up because you couldn't.

It sounds like seeing this film was a bit cathartic for you, and a chance to get out feelings you may have been holding onto. Try and view it as that, the end of those feelings, not the beginning.

LunaLoveg00d Tue 27-Sep-16 17:12:36

You are not unreasonable to be feeling upset. However, the movie is called "Bridget Jones's Baby" so couldn't you have anticipated this sort of content?

SuperFlyHigh Tue 27-Sep-16 17:39:57

not unreasonable but like Luna says the title gives it away.

don't be hard on yourself though, it got me teary and I'm 45 and childless plus an abortion and miscarriage under my belt...

take care flowers

phillipp Tue 27-Sep-16 17:46:13

It's not unreasonable to be upset, but I imagine your DM and do were shocked at the reaction, because the reaction was quite extreme and the abortion was your choice.

In reality even if it was your choice it can still make you sad. But that can be difficult to understand.

Perhaps even they are surprised at your reaction to the film knowing what the title is.

Is often hard for people to understand if they haven't been through it.

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