AIBU to want to live near my family..(39 Posts)
We live in a great area. Brilliant schools and our house is fantastic. I'm a SAHM. I have two small DC one is now school age. But my DH works long hours often comes home and is back on his laptop. I have an OK social life usual baby groups and trips to cinema. When growing up my fondest memories were times spent as a child with my cousins and extended family. I specifically rememebr saying this at my NCT group and the group leader indicating the reason she had asked us for our fondest memories was because we should look to recreate similar memories for our babies. I really took that to heart maybe because we live 2.5 hours from
My family. My husband's family namely my inlaws live 10 mins away. My FIL isn't very paternal and my MIL has a long of personal responsibility her own daughters kids and an ageing mother. With the best will in the world she can't offer what I'm seeking is family/parents to drop by and see and to have some support with the kids. The thing is people would think we are being ridiculous leaving such great schools an amazing house just cos I want to be near my family. But although we don't openly discuss it my DH knows it's what I want but it seems like I'm being unreasonable cos on the outisde all is supposedly perfect. He works long hours. I just miss my family. AIBU ? Am I being silly. I feel like i would be throwing 'it' all away but what I want isn't here I want my family
How far away do your family live? It seems as though your DH could live anywhere, though of course he'd have to get to work easily.
Presumably your dh needs to live where he does for his job?
You already do live close to half of your family's family though - your dc's grandparents, great grandparent, aunty and cousins - presumably they are as much cousins as your own siblings children?
Sometimes you have to look at the whole balance of your life, and do something about the bits that aren't quite perfect, rather than losing all the positives you already have for a rose tinted memory.
You need to build relationships with the people in the community you are in - friends can be just as supportive as family, you just need to make it work.
Thanks yes. Probably rose tinted. Have good relationships with inlaws just eveyone is so busy on their side. Lots going on that we can't be part of. My family is 200 miles. Whereas my family is bigger and loads more support. DH Job could move but he doesn't want to move job. If we moved with support from my family I could work and lessen the financial burden on Dh.
You have not mentioned commute. It is a decision better made early as your DCs will create friendship groups themselves. Schooling is important to me so moving to please partner would have to be only if he was desperately unhappy.
DH has a great commute into work. We are literally 2 mins from a school
And from train station. We are in such a brilliant area with a lovely house. Great neighbours and community. Honestly my family they miss me but tell me I would be nuts to ever move!
You could also put to much pressure on your family, your past is when it was still common to pop in for a cup of tea. Cousins where more like siblings. Even if you move back many families do not blend the same especially with both parents working they do not have the time.
Cousins were definitely more like siblings. It was a different era. You are right. Perhaps we have the best here then. Need to work with what we have and make sure we visit often
You are feeling unsupported because your husband works long hours and you are a long way away from your family. That doesn't sound unreasonable to me.
Schools, house, area all may be great but if you're not happy, you're not happy. Don't assume that your feelings are invalid because other people might envy your supposedly "perfect" life. Lots of women in your situation get by on filling their days with grooming appointments, gossip-fests and secret drinking.
Any chance of getting back to work?
I do not think that you should definitely stay just that you need to look at it more practically than emotional. You being able to work is an important part for me.
I just have to say that it is so different and refreshing to find another mum who wants to be close to her own relatives. I am the one who stays closest and I have enjoyed being around even when it came to illness and death I am glad I was close at hand.
I agree that you would have to sort this out before the DCs start school. It is never impossible to move, think of military families they don't get the choice.
If your DPs are retired and could be looking at downsizing, it may be an idea to suggest that they move nearer your location. Even if they halved the distance between you it might help. However if other siblings DCs of your parents are also living around the parents' home that would not work out so well.
Did you and DH move to your current location after meeting and marrying or was it a work move which happened to bring him closer to his family?
Despite it being a great area with great communication and a lovely house if you are not fully comfortable it is always going to be the elephant in the room.
As another PP said could you become more involved with the Pil and Sil and the GGil. It would never be the same as your own family but they might give you a feeling of support even if they are too busy to actually do support.
I feel for you in this position. It is a huge decision and extremely difficult to balance for quite a number of people.
My parents are not retired but are self employed so there is some flexibility for them. But they are tied to their area because of my siblings and my father's siblings. Even my mother has her cousins nearby who are like her brothers and sisters. (There is a huge amount of family for me there) I fear 'it' will always be the elephant in the room. My DH is concious of that. Maybe going back to work (which because of lack of support has to be around school hours as childcare might be unaffordable for wraparound & childminder). I'm in such a catch 22 getting older and more resentful as time passes. MynDH and I met at university: it's complicated due to heritage and different faiths i had to go undercover so to speak for a period of time and so it was easier then without children to live in another city. We moved here as it's an area he knows and his family is nearby. His family are always around for birthdays etc but really are unable to offer me any practical support. My mIL is exhausted with her current responsibility and my FIL isn't comfortable being solely in charge of kids.
I totally understand wanting to be near family. However there are two families involved here: yours and your husband's. Apologies if I have misunderstood but you seem to be expecting your husband to move away from his family so that you can be nearer to your own. Is that correct?
If yes, do you have a son? How would you feel if he married someone who prioritised her family over his?
Yes his family is nearby. We see them probably once a month at the most. His family have their own priorities. We are not high on the list. We would probably see them less if I didn't organise Sunday lunch etc or a coffee here or there. My husband is in the office 730-7pm everyday. Basically he doesn't really see his own family and I don't see mine
On a side note his family are brilliant they are just so so so busy!!! Maybe I need to shout a bit louder but I guess what I want is to be able to drop in on family more often and have that for my children
Hi , I was in the same position as you, and we moved near to my friends and family and i must say I am 100% happier.
Like you , on paper , it was the perfect location for us. But I was so unhappy ( PND , loneliness , DP working long hours etc)
Everyone is different and no one can tell you how to feel . My DP could see how unhappy I was and luckily the move to a ''less desirable'' area meant we could have more space to create an office for DP so he can work from home . I'm at work now myself and life is so great.
A lot of posters are seeming to take the side of DP but let's not forget you are doing a more important and demanding job yourself by bringing up your kids and your feelings matter just as much.
I did not expect my DP to move away from his friends and family but he did as he is amazing and wanted me to be happy.
He has a great easy short commute but he still spends 12.5 hrs a day out of the house and then gets home and hops on the laptop?
Yeah.....it's fairly obvious why you're so lonely, tbh.
Thank you. It seems such a huge step. It may mean him moving jobs. But he could potentially get more money. We would leave behind friends. Just such a big step
It is such a big step but you have already done a few big steps as far as I can see. You left your home in A to go to university in B then in your "under cover" time you lived in C and then you moved to D which is your In Laws' area which is where you are currently and 200 miles from your parents.
It does sound as if you are lonely with DP being out for 12 hours per day and it also sounds like your family are the drop in anytime types whereas your In Law family are more make an appointment types. I had In Laws who were the make an appointment types where as my family were the drop in anytime types. Luckily I lived near my folks.
I think you need to be happy and not so isolated from your own family. If you only see the In Laws once a month while they live nearby that is not really family feeling to me. You could move and visit the In Laws every 6 weeks or something. The main thing is that there has to be happiness in life and you don't sound too happy.
DH once said to me that he rarely sees his family and if we move away we would never see them. I argued that his sister who lives further away than us actually sees them
More beacaus they go visit her and her kids and then they come stay in the holidays. Yes I am very lonely: but I'm out of the house 1-2 times a day. Part of many groups. I have friends. Just not family. And no you can just drop in family. His family are very formal people. I am still treated like a guest in their home
You do need to address is fond memories of the past just that or something deeper. My DCs never missed family contact until they got to an age that they realised that there was something to miss. You do seem to have given up so much in the past.
Well, if your DH doesn't fancy it then he needs to involve himself more in family life. Does he have to work those hours, and and home too, or is he choosing too? I'm afraid I do sometimes feel rather sceptical of these men so devoted to their work at the expense of their family.
Does it have to be "family" that do the popping in and being around? Because you can build that sort of lifestyle, but using friends rather than actual family.
I agree that you have rose tinted glasses - my mother wanted me to have that kind of relationship with cousins and tried to manufacture it artificially even though we had nothing in common and it didn't work - don't like or dislike them, they are just people I have nothing in common with. She tries to force my sister's DD and mine to be bffs but my sister's DD is actually quite unpleasant to my DD I'm not playing along. Cousins are not automatically the key to childhood happiness!
My sister also moved down the road from my mum due to promises of extensive child care and my mum changed her mind a couple of weeks in when she realised that looking after a 4 yo all summer seriously curtailed her new retired lady who lunches social life! She does do a lot of childcare and pet sitting and my dad does a lot of taxi driver duty for sister's DD now she is older, but initially she was sold a lemon when persuaded to make a significant house move on the promise of child care to allow her to go back to work - she gave up her new job very quickly.
Where you are sounds great, work building up on a friend based mutual support group.
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