Should I tell my parents when they are ring overbearing about my parenting?

[Bananacabana]

I'll try to make this short as I can. For many years I have struggled with my overbearing parents. I have two children one of which I brought up as a lone parent. My parents seem to continually think I need their input, even though I haven't asked for it and am in my late thirties!

DS1 is going away on a trip this weekend and I've just received an email from my father telling me how I should dress my DS1!! Should I reply telling him he is interfering or just ignore this? We had a massive row last year about them undermining my parenting, I tried talking to them but to no avail so kept them at a distance and as soon as I let my guard down and see them a bit more often or ask anything, they see fit to tell me how to parent my children.

There are many more instances I could give and so wondering if it's just the last straw or AIBU? Also if I should tell him to back off?

[RubbleBubble00]

They are not going to change. all you can do is change how you deal with them. If they undermine you in front of dc the say straight away, "no we are doing like this, I'm their mum". Emails are easy to ignore.

[VioletBam]

Can I ask if you regularly discuss the minutae of your son's life with them? I used to do this with my MIL and she was very interfering but then I realise it was partly because I was oversharing.

I'd tell her if I thought baby DD had wind or I'd wonder aloud about if she had the right teat on her bottle and as a result MIL got over involved.

Do you share too much with them and as a result give them too much "ammo:?

[Thinkingblonde]

Thanks Dad, I've got it covered, the school/club have sent a list of appropriate clothing which matches what I had in mind anyway. Don't you worry about him, he'll be fine.

[ollieplimsoles]

Being over bearing is one thing, but undermining you is a whole different story.

How are you expected to trust them when they don't seem to trust you?

I told me own mil that and id tell your parents the same thing.

[MidnightRunner87]

'haha thanks dad, I'm quite confident I know how to dress him by now though. Thanks anyway'

[MatildaTheCat]

How irritating. I think you should ignore but I'd probably find that too hard and email back.

'Hahaha, I think I've worked out how to dress ds but thanks for your concern. I'll be sure to ask you if I get stuck.'

[Bananacabana]

Thank you all for your replies

I did wonder if I was wasting my time saying anything as they won't change but I also feel I need to remind them they are over stepping the mark. The sad thing is they think they are helping and think I am the unappreciative, nasty person.

I used to over share, I definitely did that but for the last few years I have had to watch what I say but it seems if I tell them ANYTHING they latch on to it and want to have a say. Even if I don't say anything at all, they ask DS1 and interfere via him.

[DrSeuss]

I'd just reply, "Oh, so not the bikini and the tutu then? Silly me!"

[LadyConstanceDeCoverlet]

Can you cut down on interaction with them? If they don't see your son so much, they can't interrogate him so easily.

[CauliflowerSqueeze]

Turn it round every time, so when he suggests what your child should wear, say "and I was thinking for you, those brown cords and a thin jumper" etc.

[TheVirginQueen]

I could have written this. Same story. Single parent. Except I'm forty something.

But I've only recently begun to figure out how to handle them. Now when I do something I don't run it past them at all. I tell them nothing until it's a fait accomplit. So it's not ''nc'' but it all feels a bit careful sometimes.

The other day my mother was telling me what to say to my son's teacher and I interrupted her to say I could figure that out. But she'll never stop assuming that she has a gift that I don't have for expressing things well. If she has such a gift why doesn't she work that magic on me. My father's base line is that I'm foolish and need advice. So whenever I do anything, change job, do an exam, buy a car, sell a car, buy insurance, I tell him afterwards
Can't emphasise that bit enough and I wish I'd figured that out a decade ago.

[VioletBam]

Agree that it's best to use dismissive humour...so..

Dad: Make sure that you hold DS' hand when you cross the road.

You: Oh...really? I was hoping I could just punt him across with my foot.

Dad: Don't let DS play with those rough kids at the park.

You: Oh no...I wouldn't! I've asked Little Lord Fauntleroy to come to soft play with us instead.

[TheOnlyColditz]

I resort to massive eye rolling sarcasm but it's not super effective. Eg, he will say to me "You need to put those lamb hops in the fridge when you get home, Colditz."

And I will let my face drop and say "Oh! I was just going to store them in the toilet bowl, but now you mention it, I DO have room in the fridge. Hear that children? Mummy's going to keep the raw meat in the fridge from now on, instead of storing it in the toilet bowl! It may seem strange and new, but maybe Grandad is right and a thirty six year old grown woman DOES need to be treated like a moron so we don't all die of food poisoning."

[AnthonyPandy]

Don't tell them anything until it's already done. Don't ask them anything, no favours, nothing.

[eddielizzard]

i think the best and most effective is to totally ignore as if they haven't said anything. so if there's anything else in the email respond to that, but absolutely don't respond to the parenting advice. if the whole email is advice, don't respond at all. if they bring it up in conversation, leave a silence and then change the subject. they will pick up on it and possibly up the ante for a bit but hold strong. eventually they will get the message.

[youarenotkiddingme]

Play the game back.

Dear dad,

Thankyou for the recommendations of how to dress my son.

Now have you made sure you've put on clean underwear and a pair of shorts today because it's quite hot and I want to make sure you dress appropriately for the weather.

If he actually replies that then you can say "well you seem to think as a grown adult I need clothing advice so it's fair enough I may consider you, also a grown adult, might also need some.

But then I'm in argumentative bitch mode ATM

[Bananacabana]

Yeah I did cut down on interactions but my son is a teenager and they text him directly if I don't get back to them.

[youarenotkiddingme]

If he contacts your ds to tell him how to dress prime your DS to reply "what? Oh grandad I was sooooooo hoping my pretty pink dress was going to be appropriate"

[Bananacabana]

Thank you all for your responses. It's an ongoing problem and it's great to see some advice on how to deal with it long term as well as the current situation. I will have to go back to distancing myself and not telling them anything until afterwards. It's a shame but they won't change, so I have to.

[Bananacabana]

Haha, yeah my DS1 would probably relish saying something like that about a pretty pink dress

[WittyPutDown]

My Mam is lovely but does give unwanted and very obvious advice, I just tell her to butt out with a smile on my face. I tell her that she has had her chance to raise kids and now it's my time. I don't agree with PA comments or witty come backs (despite my NN ). A simple, sorry but I don't want your advice thanks is nice and clear.

[GabsAlot]

dont tell them anything tell your son not to and then they cant comment if they do say well weve already been/done it now

lol at colditz

[blitheringbuzzards1234]

A raised eyebrow and a sarky, "Surprise, surprise I'm in my late 30's and I know how to dress!" should shut them up. Say it, every time, they'll get the message.

[TheVirginQueen]

My father told me that the price of a car included not just running a car but also the insurance as well.

I wish I'd kept a cooler head. There was some anger when I reminded him that i had worked in the motor department of an insurance company.

[witharmswideopen]

I would share decisions after the event. I have to do the same thing with my DM. I wasn't asking for advise but if I share anything at all it opens the floodgates for 'advise' and it's always negative. Not only that but whatever we discussed would be talked about with aunts/her friends. So I'd get a whole load of unwanted input in to things. If I choose not to take the advise it was taken badly and lead to an argument. I know take the stance that 'my life is not a democracy it's a monarchy and I'm the queen'

This has now lead to me being called a 'closed book' and that 'I never tell them anything'. I do tell them - just after it's done.