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AIBU?

some advice please

17 replies

nic25 · 22/09/2016 21:41

I don't know what to do. I was seeing someone for six months and I've found out I'm pregnant. I thought I was safe as I've never missed my pill. I ended things with the father and he won't stop calling, texting and coming to my house. I am scared at night of him turning up and if I had my baby I would never be free of him. I'm scared to tell him I'm pregnant as I know he won't leave me alone. My family are very strict and would never accept me having a baby not in the proper way, they don't know I was even seeing anyone. Also the baby's father is religious and my family are very against this and wouldn't accept the baby and would be very ashamed of me. I think I shouldn't carry on with the pregnancy as it wouldn't be fair on the baby bringing them into this situation. I'm 21 and have my own house and I'm training to be a dental nurse.

OP posts:

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Rachcakes · 22/09/2016 21:53

Sorry you're having a hard time.
It's a difficult decision, but one you need to make for you. Put aside what your family think for now, and focus on yourself. If you want to have the baby, don't ignore that because of what your family think.
That's not to say you should. If you feel like it isn't the right thing then that's your choice too.
I can't tell from your post - is your ex harassing you? As in making you afraid? If he is, speak to the police.
If it's a case of him being a nuisance, the best thing you can do is ignore him.
It feels like a disaster now, but things will come clearer for you.

nic25 · 22/09/2016 22:14

He's a nuisance but it's stressful when he turns up at night, knocking on the door, it must wake my neighbours up. How could I tell my family I'm pregnant from a brief relationship they would think so bad of me. The father is Asian, my parents are very racist so they would never accept a half asian baby, I think it wouldn't be fair on the baby

OP posts:

DonaldStott · 22/09/2016 22:17

A very tough decision, and one only you can make. Try and be objective when thinking of the fors and aginsts. Easy for me to say as I'm not in your position. I hope you make the right decision for you. Nobody knows, so it is really up to you.

AverageGayLadAtChristmas · 22/09/2016 22:20

We can't make the decision for you

I know what I would do, but then again I'm looking at it from an outside view.

You need.to do what you feel is best for you, as it's nobody's choice but yours

ollieplimsoles · 22/09/2016 22:21

Do you want to keep the baby?

nic25 · 22/09/2016 22:26

I don't think ive got a choice I have to think about my baby and it wouldn't be fair on them to put them in this situation.

OP posts:

Rachcakes · 23/09/2016 07:59

If he's knocking on your door at night, and you've made it clear you don't want him there, I'd say that's harassment. You can speak to the police and they will tell him to stop.

As for your decision regarding the pregnancy, only you know.

Years ago I had an unplanned pregnancy and was unsure what to do. The family planning clinic sent me to see one of their counsellors who talked it all through with me. That helped me enormously in making my decision. Maybe see if that's an option?

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 23/09/2016 08:27

Would I be right in getting the feeling that you feel an abortion is your best option? When you say you're thinking of your baby do you mean you're thinking of how bad things could get if you bring a baby into the world in your situation?

Because if you want someone to say that in your situation I would have an abortion, then I'm saying it.

Give yourself permission to do what you need to do. There's no reason you can't be happily married and have other babies in the future. The situation you describe sounds dangerous and frightening.

Take care of yourself.

phillipp · 23/09/2016 08:31

I can't tell you what to do.

But I can tell you in this position I aborted and have never regretted. Tying myself to that man, forever, would have been miserable for me and my baby.

That doesn't mean it's right decision for you though.

ProfessorPreciseaBug · 23/09/2016 08:43

Do not underestimat the emotional effect of a termination if that is what you are thinking about. My SiL is a gasman. She says that she sometimes sees women for a minor operation many years after putting them out for a termination. As the drugs take effect they often babble on about their missing baby. As she is very religious it upsets her quite a lot..

But I agree with others above, if the father is banging on the door late at night... that is harassment. You say he is very religious and Asian. You have not said what religion..

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 23/09/2016 09:04

If your SIL is putting women out who last saw her when they had a termination it's hardly surprising that they connect the two procedures and get kinda fuzzy. Premed will do that.

However, though I'm not saying she's lying, hardly any terminations are carried out under general anaesthetic. The chances of her being the same nurse who looked after them for that and then later for an unconnected procedure are, imo, vanishingly small, unless she's the only nurse in town. Which, come to think of it, is also hugely unlikely.

I take it back. Having thought this story through, I think your SIL invented the whole thing. It's inherently improbable. It bears all the hallmarks of anti-abortion propaganda.

callycat1 · 23/09/2016 09:06

I had an abortion, it doesn't affect me emotionally because it was the best thing to do.

Oysterbabe · 23/09/2016 09:08

It sounds like you know what you'd like to do.

Deejeebee · 23/09/2016 09:16

You don't need to tell us what religion (just so people can judge you, your family and culture by that) that's your choice.

My only advice would be do what you feel is best for you and your child no one here can make a decision for you, just please don't do something you might look back on in let's say 10 years and regret.

Sit at home and make a list of all your options and choose the best fitting one for you.

Good luck and take care of yourself.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 23/09/2016 09:17

And plenty of other women will say the same, Callycat. Anti-abortion campaigners claim women suffer terrible guilt etc. after an abortion. But the RCOG have researched the issue and there's no evidence of this as long as the woman made her own mind up. If a woman is pressured to have one against her wishes she may well be traumatized, which is hardly surprising.

MoonStar07 · 23/09/2016 09:28

I can't tell you what to do but I can say my cousin had an abortion in an almost identical situation. It was the best for her. She just could not get away from this man who was a cheating low life. If she kept the baby then she would never have got rid of him. She has now recently had a baby is a lawyer (completed her training) and is happily married. She is in fact in a mixed race relationship that she had to fight for acceptance. Her baby is beautiful and fully accepted in the family so don't let that be a factor. It has to be what is right for you. For her to abort her first baby was really the best decision for her life.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 23/09/2016 10:04

The baby's father is "very religious" but he was having sex with you outside marriage? How does he square that with his conscience? What does his religion say about unmarried sex?

Scrap that question. I can make a very good guess already.

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