AIBU? Husband, MiL and a thank you card

(68 Posts)
seven201 Thu 22-Sep-16 18:34:36

Sorry this is unnecessarily long!

We had a baby 3 months ago and have sent out thank you cards. When we sent them about 6 weeks ago mil offered' insisted under the pretence of being helpful to write the envelopes for her side of the family. She has distinctive hand writing and would love that people had noticed she had been involved in the cards. I let her do it. My husband is shit and never got round to writing his side of the cards so in the end I did his distant relative ones. I know I shouldn't have but I just wanted them done.

Anyhow, this weekend his mum turns up with a dress from my husband's great aunt. While I'm not in the room she offers to write the card (we have a stack of those photo cards) and post it for my husband and my husband agrees. She is only offering so she can get the glory. When she was about to leave she asks him for a card and I discover what's happened and say 'no, we can do it'. mIL looks pissed off but accepts this. I just suggested to my husband that he go write the bloody card and he doesn't want to and says I should have let his mum and he thought I would do it as I'd said no to his mum. He is thirty fucking three! I said his mum was rude for even offering and let him know his age in case he had forgotten that he's not. 3. He says he doesn't even see his great aunt so his mum could do it. He is now stomping around the house in a mega mood.

So... Is it acceptable to get your mum to write thank you cards for you when you're an adult? Have I been a bitch? I don't think so but maybe I have. I shouldn't have said his mum was rude though, I know that. I wish the concept of thank you cards didn't even exist. This is a ridiculous argument.

myownprivateidaho Thu 22-Sep-16 18:38:33

Yeah sorry, I think YABU. I think that if you don't want to do it yourself (and there's no reason why you should), then he is perfectly at liberty to accept his mum's offer to write the card. I'm afraid you sound a bit controlling. At "thirty fucking three" he can organise his own life, and that include deciding whether to accept his mum's offer of help.

dybil Thu 22-Sep-16 18:42:43

Sounds like you got involved in something which didn't directly concern you, pissed off his mother, then you called her rude.

I also agree that he's perfectly entitled to accept his mum's offer for help, particularly as it's a task that you day his mum likes doing.

ThePinkOcelot Thu 22-Sep-16 18:43:48

I would have just let MIL do it. I don't see how it's getting glory just writing out a card tbh.

seven201 Thu 22-Sep-16 18:43:53

Oh dear I will apologise to him then. Im not generally controlling, although I do have my moments I suppose.Would you not think it a bit odd to receive a card from someone who wasn't the receiver? Forgot to say the mil didn't see the great aunt, it was handed to mil via someone else. I can accept I'm being unreasonable though

BreatheDeep Thu 22-Sep-16 18:44:37

I think YABU but then I don't do thank you cards and I don't really like receiving them. I think they are rather pointless. But then I don't get or give presents from distant relatives or friends so I just thank people in person.

Stevefromstevenage Thu 22-Sep-16 18:46:29

Seven I agree. A thank you card for gifts for a new baby should come from the parents and your DH should be pulling his weight writing them.

NavyandWhite Thu 22-Sep-16 18:48:13

You do sound controlling in this instance got to be said.

seven201 Thu 22-Sep-16 18:49:23

Breathe, we only sent thank you cards for our wedding and new baby presents. I think it's lovely that this distant relative sent something and we really weren't expecting anything. It's unanimous, I'm a bitch. I will write the card and apologise to my husband.

CodyKing Thu 22-Sep-16 18:49:36

Why is he stomping? Quicker to write the card surely??

He's being a baby - he is 'thirty fucking three' and needs to grow up

You didn't ask him to boil his own head - but write a card on behalf of his new baby -

Soubriquet Thu 22-Sep-16 18:50:23

You do thank you cards for new baby gifts now days?

Must say I've never wrote a thank you card in my life. What's wrong with the appropriate thank you when you receive said gift and open it?

Laiste Thu 22-Sep-16 18:50:52

Well - i can see why you're pissed off OP.

Thank you cards are a PITA at the best of times. Particularly if you've got someone breathing down your neck about them and particularly when you've got a new baby to cope with.

I think under these precise circs. though, you should have let the two of them get on with it. Annoying as it is. If your mum wanted to do a chore for you and your DH said 'No, we'll do it', and then when she left turned to you and asked you to get on with it you'd not be happy. That's kind of what you've done here.

Appologise and in future only do your own families cards flowers

lonzo82 Thu 22-Sep-16 18:51:16

I don't think YABU, the family member took time to get a gift I think it's only polite for your OH to write the card as it's for his child? In saying that though I've given my mum a card (written) to address and post for me for a friend of hers who gave our DD a gift. My OH took weeks to post cards I'd written to his family. Some folk just aren't fussy about thank you cards

TownMouseCuntMouse Thu 22-Sep-16 18:53:55

Er, I totally think YANBU. Your MIL sounds really over involved, and your DH sounds a bit of a child. I'd think it was really, really odd if I sent a gift to a couple and one of their mums wrote the thank you note. I'd think it was really childish mummy's boyish (/girlish) behaviour, like the mum is part of the couple and involved in their day to day life admin. Decidedly odd. OR I would take it as a bit of an insult - like the couple just couldn't give a fuck about the present, didn't want to say thanks, so the mother was sending a thank you on their behalf in a vain attempt to hide the rudeness.

So odd, rude, childish.

seven201 Thu 22-Sep-16 18:57:43

Ok so not quite unanimous anymore. I did go about it in the wrong way though. I just think I would be a bit hmm if I received a thank you card from someone who wasn't the receiver. I thought new baby presents was a definite thank you card situation. We haven't seen her in years so couldn't say thank you in person so a card seemed appropriate.

I have apologised!

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Thu 22-Sep-16 18:58:11

Your baby
Thank you cards from you and dh
Either one of you should have written them
Nothing to do with mil
Stop the interfering at this early baby stage and you will be thankful.

momtothree Thu 22-Sep-16 18:59:56

I can not imagine my mother asking or hinting to me as a grown woman to send thanks for a gift.

She would naturally assume I am capable and thoughtful enough to send thanks.

She would also assume she has raised me well enough to be grateful for a gift and acknowledge the kindness of others

Dis your MIL/FIL not raise a child with basic manners?

I think you have bigger issues here

CodyKing Thu 22-Sep-16 19:01:27

I how he's apologised for his temper tantrum!!!

DixieWishbone Thu 22-Sep-16 19:04:13

A thank you card or email is appropriate. It is weird to have a card written by someone other than the recipient, unless the recipient isn't able to write the card. People usually like to get cards or an email so they know their gift arrived safely rather than because they expect slavish gratitude. Years ago, you would only know something had arrived if you got a card back as not everyone had phones.

If your DH doesn't like writing cards, would he prefer writing emails, or phoning people?

NothingMoreThanFelines Thu 22-Sep-16 19:05:28

YANBU. I don't think MIL was rude to offer, but I agree that you or your DH should be the ones to write the cards. And yes, of course you should send a thank you card for a present from someone you haven't been able to thank in person.

Jenijena Thu 22-Sep-16 19:09:54

Your mil should not be writing cards for a gift your family has received. Does she still put your DH's name at the bottom of her Christmas cards.

I hate the thank you card charade but we have sent them to the gifts received for our children from the more far flung people who I have never met.

I hate hate hate the thank you cards I receive from my friends for their children's gifts. Cute if the kids are doing it for handwriting practice, ott and guilt inducing in me for the effort really just people have gone into for 'thank you for jrmima's jigsaw you gave for her third party, she really enjoyed it'. I just think time! Stamp money! Postbox coordination!

myownprivateidaho Thu 22-Sep-16 19:10:01

I don't think the idea that people should write their own thank you cards is wrong. But given that the OP didn't want to do it herself (which is fine as it's not her side of the family), imo the DH was free to have his mum do it, even if it is rude to the great aunt.

EllaHen Thu 22-Sep-16 19:11:29

It's no wonder your dh is acting like a baby - his mother is babying him.

Writing a thank you card on behave of a 33 year old father. No.

Stomping around? What a dick.

TheDowagerCuntess Thu 22-Sep-16 19:12:38

YANBU.

MIL, while well-meaning, I'm sure, does not need to be involved in this.

And your DH stropping about just sounds eye-rolly annoying. Just write the damn card.

TheDowagerCuntess Thu 22-Sep-16 19:13:16

Him, I mean, not you!

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