In wanting a sex life with my DH?!

(18 Posts)
Usernameless16 Thu 22-Sep-16 12:41:13

Been with DH for 7 years now.

Sex life just isn't fun or enjoyable. He Hardly is ever in the mood. He withdraws if there's work stress(stressful job, I admit) if he's tired or if he has gained weight. Always has. This means we hardly ever have sex as there's always something.

I used to dress up and make a move on him, but the last time I did dress up and make a move, he rejected me on Valentine's Day and I have been too hurt to bother since. This was 2 years ago! So I wait for him to make a move on me each time. I never say no as I don't know how long it'll be till next time!

Also, when sex does happen, he doesn't touch me. No boob touching, eye contact or kissing on body or oral. Occasionally he will rub down there, but it's like he is scrubbing the pans with a Brillo pad or something. Hurts! But I don't say anything as I feel pleased he is trying.
I have tried countless times to explain how hurt this all makes me, but he gets so defensive the minute I bring up the conversation and turns it into an argument, telling me the way I bring it up is wrong, the timing of the conversations is wrong, basically I'm in the wrong for bringing up the conversation the way I do. No matter how I try to bring it up (nicely, gently, when I've been upset etc) I can't get it right. This feels like he's diverting attention from the issue by going on about how I bring it up, rather than the real issue!

He will never bring up the conversation himself, and despite numerous conversations he will try to please me the one time following the last chat and then it falls back into the usual barely any sex and unsatisfying when it does happen.

Also it's a catch 22 now-if he does do these things I feel he's just going through the motions and not enjoying it as he'd do it without prompting right? That stops me enjoying it!

Why should I have to ask him to do these things? Thought men enjoyed making their partners satisfied?

I give him oral and touch him each time, so it's not as if I'm all in it for me.

We argued again over this last night, and he says he does care if I enjoy it...so why does he so rarely show it?

To add we lost our baby son in a second trimester miscarriage 3 months ago. I'm a little all over the place still which isn't helping this issue sad

BlancheBlue Thu 22-Sep-16 12:46:12

How is the relationship in other ways?

MuseumOfCurry Thu 22-Sep-16 12:56:44

Sounds pretty bad. I second Blanche's question?

flowers sorry about your miscarriage, I'd imagine a second-trimester miscarriage would be particularly traumatic.

Usernameless16 Thu 22-Sep-16 13:03:18

Thank you.
Relationship in other areas great. He is loving and has been there for me with our loss. It's been hard for both of us.

ragz134 Thu 22-Sep-16 13:14:20

YANBU, sex is an important part of a relationship and it is something most of us need. Bad sex or lack of sex, for whatever reason, can have huge emotional impact and you are totally in the right to bring it up. Unfortunately many people struggle to talk about it and you DH is clearly one of them. He obviously knows how you feel, as you have told him... but perhaps writing it down would be easier, as him to write his feelings down about it as well if he does not feel comfortable talking, that way he can put down his feelings in his own time? Just a suggestion, but may be worth a try.
Is he depressed, perhaps? My DH totally goes off sex if he is in a depressed phase and while it does bug me, it is understandable. But if this is the case, he needs to explain that to you. We are conditioned/socialised to believe that men are always gagging for it and us women have to turn them down, make excuses, force ourselves etc... Actually I have a higher sex drive than my hubby, and I know plenty of other women who do and these preconceptions are not helpful.
Anyway, first sort out the communication issue, then work on the sex. Hope that helps.

ragz134 Thu 22-Sep-16 13:20:06

Also to add... does he have a 'good time of day' for this kind of thing? My DH prefers morning sex, so I know if he's in bed (ie weekend) and I snuggle up naked, I'm in with a good chance. Evenings he is often tired and doesn't fancy it, though if it's just after a bath I tend to give it a go as he can be quite receptive then. I have learned his good times, so though I rarely 'make a move' in an obvious way, I have learned the tells as to when it is likely and visa/versa. If he's not in the mood he will say so and say sorry, but I can usually tell now when this will be. This is after 11 years together though...

Cooroo Thu 22-Sep-16 13:24:24

Bit of a me too. No sex for a couple of years i think. May be age related for us. Both 56. I tried making a move, got rejected and never tried again. Similarly I don't want things to start if he's forcing it, and everything's going to peter out halfway.

I'm resigned to it, masturbate when i feel the need. We love each other, everything's fine otherwise. I know i should talk, he should be happy to do stuff for me even if it's not working for him, but TBH i can't face it.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid Thu 22-Sep-16 13:28:36

flowers so sorry about your son.

I don't know what to suggest. I had a similar issue many years ago when dh was very stressed at work. Getting rejected is really soul destroying.

Has he always had a lower sex drive than you?

Usernameless16 Thu 22-Sep-16 13:34:23

ragz thanks. Really helpful post. Not sure there's a good time with regards to sex. He is either stressing about going to work in the morning or tired after work. Maybe weekends?
He might be depressed. I know his work environment has some pretty toxic characters and lots of stress. This doesn't help.

I do feel sad that he has t even bothered to text or call to see how I am today. I was pretty upset this morning after finding one of my scan photos in my draw. Maybe he's not as supportive as I'd like to think. He has been on Facebook so had time to text me. sad

Maybe I'm just sensitive right now.

coroo sorry you are going through similar. Hurts, I know. flowers

Usernameless16 Thu 22-Sep-16 13:36:31

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid yes, he has always had a lower. Sex drive than me. It's easily knocked off track by things bothering him, such as stress or weigh gain (his). Sadly his weight bothers him and he gains weight with stress. Double whammy.

Farmmummy Thu 22-Sep-16 13:38:37

Can't offer advice op but can offer a little bit of the opposite perspective if it's any use. Firstly sorry for your loss we lost twins second trimester and I almost didn't make it myself due to haemorrhage. After that we tried again and eventually had our dd2, but I really wasn't enjoying sex it was bringing back flashbacks of the room where it was all happening etc. I was always high risk pregnancies so when ttc after the twins we didn't do anything during the 2 week wait or all through what was a very complicated pregnancy and birth. I also have a few chronic conditions which worsened after this and so my sex drive has completely gone as has my confidence especially as I've lost loads of weight. Dd2 is brilliant but not a good sleeper and has recently decided she's a co sleeper which is the only way any of us get any sleep. I just want you to know I really do love my DH but it's very hard for me to bear sex at all (maybe 4 times in 18 months and truthfully those I have been doing just because I feel bad for him because he has been so patient but after he was asleep I literally cried) we have a great relationship all other ways and talk about everything else (tmi in most ways) but I can't talk about this with him or anyone in rl. I'm just trying to say maybe your DH does still love and find you attractive but could be literally dying inside and not know how to say.

Usernameless16 Thu 22-Sep-16 13:46:12

Farmmummy
I'm so sorry for your loss. Sounds really similar to me. I lost 3 litres of blood and ended up in theatre to remove retained placenta.

Think I'm wanting to feel closer to him (physically) as what happened scared me.

I really can relate to the flashbacks. It's horrible. Hope you are feeling better now.
So lovely see you had a baby after all you went through flowers

Farmmummy Thu 22-Sep-16 14:15:54

Thank you so much op, I am getting there slowly and hoping that we can get back to where we were physically too as I do feel guilty for DH especially as he doesn't put any pressure on.
Big hugs to you after all you have been through

Gottagetmoving Thu 22-Sep-16 14:22:41

Was he inexperienced sexually when you first met him? He sounds like he lacks confidence and has no idea what a woman likes, if he does have an idea he hasn't got the confidence to touch you in the way you would like.
It must be difficult trying to talk about it if he gets defensive or sensitive about it. He sounds as if there are some guilt feelings making it hard for him to deal with the issue.
The only way to sort it out would be talking it through and counselling could help. Stress and work and weight could be excuses rather than real reasons.
Could you try cuddling without any expectation of sex so that he is not under pressure to have sex?
Sadly, people often stop all affectionate contact when sex is missing, which makes sex even less likely.

Usernameless16 Thu 22-Sep-16 14:59:05

Gottagetmoving he isn't 44, so he had girlfriends before me. Although I don't know if he had the same issues with them. He has told me once he has never had issues like this before me. Felt like he was trying to make out it's my fault.

He is affectionate without it leading to anything often. Will hug and hold hands etc. Although no proper kissing. Just little pecks. I actually suggested (nicely) we started kissing properly and he took that as a dig too. sad

How do I talk to someone so defensive about all this? All I get told is I bring it up in a way he dislikes. Yet he gives me no suggestions how I do communicate in a way he would like.

Usernameless16 Thu 22-Sep-16 14:59:32

I mean he IS 44 not he isn't.

LogicallyLost Thu 22-Sep-16 16:06:58

Going to throw my 2p in here. Any chance of encouraging some exercise? it will help with the weight, stress and (possible) depression. It helped me, YMMV.

catduckchuck Thu 22-Sep-16 16:25:08

It's hard but try not to get down on yourself. My DH has always had a low drive, esp after DD. I have learnt when to try and when it's not worth it, or my self esteem will take a hit. Talk to him but maybe look into investing in a rabbit friend.

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