To not let my 15yr old attend a party with alcohol?

(80 Posts)
Researchingamove Wed 21-Sep-16 12:19:17

My 15yr old DD (16 in Nov) is upset with me just now because I won't let her go to a friend's house party next month where DD has said she would drink alcohol. She's tried alcohol previously, e.g. a few sips of champagne at special events or a taste of her dad's beer at home but there is only one parent supervising at the party and we have different parenting styles and I think at 15 DD is too young to potentially get drunk, something which she is hinting at. DH says I need to trust her and I do trust her - I trust her to be a teen! I did not have a healthy relationship with alcohol from around the age of 16-19 (fuelling my concerns) and I'm a bit confused as to why people think it's ok for a 15yr old to be allowed into that environment without parental supervision, albeit there WILL be a parent there, just not one of us. Am I being a mean mum and spoiling DD's fun? I genuinely don't feel it appropriate that 15yr olds should be intoxicated and as she begins college next year there will be plenty time for partying with new friends then. This is causing heat at home because DD normally makes her own choices, usually very well but this is an issue. My main concern is if she does become intoxicated she will therefore be vulnerable. The general consensus is that I'm being too controlling of her and I don't want to be but I feel I have to look out for her best interests too.

AIBU?

Inyournightdress Wed 21-Sep-16 12:23:22

In my experience banning them from alcohol makes them want it more.

I don't think you are fully BU.15 year olds shouldn't be intoxicated you are right. But I don't know id stop my dd going. They have to learn their own mistakes. I'd either send them with their own alcohol and tell them only to drink that or have a discussion with them about safe drinking. Im not sure stopping them going completely works.

Loaferloveforyou Wed 21-Sep-16 12:24:26

You say she makes her own choices usually really well, why do you think this will be any different?

I understand your concerns but can you tell her you will pick her up at a certain time or request a phone call at certain intervals so she is checking in.

If you don't let her go, in the future she may not even ask to go to a party and instead tell you she is elsewhere. At least if she goes you know where she is.

Stillunexpected Wed 21-Sep-16 12:29:24

There is a difference between drinking alcohol and being intoxicated though? Do you not trust that the other parent would step in if someone was becoming visibly drunk or there was any trouble because of over-consumption of alcohol? I know you said your parenting styles are different but are they really THAT different?

If your DD normally makes sensible choices, I think you have to trust her on this one. Banning her from the party and making alcohol such a big deal is just going to cause her to lie to you about events in the future. And i say all this as the parent of an 18 and 15 year old myself.

i know it's difficult but yes I think you are a bit U.

My DS is getting to that age now and was desperate to try a vodka WKD at his bday sleepover. I texted all the parents of the boys coming, got their permission and although I felt a bit uneasy I did allow this. They were all fine and my son was appreciative of the fact that I listened to him and allowed him that bit of extra trust.

Your DD is almost 16, in my mind that is well old enough to at least try a little bit of alcohol. Just make sure she is aware of the dangers, encourage her to drink safely and put your trust in her. If you stop her altogether it will just make her want it even more, she will end up doing it anyway but just not telling you - and then you start entering sticky ground.

skippy67 Wed 21-Sep-16 12:30:58

I have a 15yo Dd. She's been going to quite a few parties recently as all her friends are turning 16. There's been alcohol at most of these parties, and she's never been drunk. She's just not interested. Hopefully that'll continue, but if she suddenly starts getting regularly hammered, we'll addresses it then. I think you should let her go, and trust her judgement.

I agree with pp, if you don't allow her to go, next time she just won't tell you.

I allowed my DD to attend parties at this age, and bought her alcopops or a couple of cans of cider to take too. That way I was controlling what she was drinking. Other parents did the same. I always picked her up after the party too. She was never really drunk.

She's 19 now and does go out with her friends for a drink about once a month but still never comes home legless.

On the other side of things, I was never allowed alcohol in my teens. So I would tell my parents that I was sleeping over at a friends house, and sneak out and drink whatever alcohol I could find. Once I reached 18, I was out 3 or 4 times a week getting absolutely blind drunk - because I was then 'allowed' to drink.

It was my own experiences which made me want to control my DD's alcohol intake. Teens will drink, far better if you know where they are and what they're doing, than them hide it from you IMO

Thefishewife Wed 21-Sep-16 12:32:48

Sorry but I think yur quote right tbh I worry about children of parents make parenting choice based on if others are allowing it and not what's best for there child

Of eveyone is doing it its likey she will succumb to peer pressure I don't drink when I am out and even though I am a adult and I am driving the pressure people try and put on me to drink went out last Friday I was was brought to cocktails despite saying already I am driving and I don't want a drink

And I would also question any parents who are putting on a party with drink and allowing other people's children to have a drink

Ratbagcatbag Wed 21-Sep-16 12:32:56

Sorry, but I think YABU. My parents were mega strict and actually it made me far worse and I lied to them lots.
At nearly 16 I would be discussing an appropriate level of alcohol to take with her, (4 WKD's etc) explaining never to drink anyone else's and that you will pick her up afterwards. See how it goes, she may surprise you.

myownprivateidaho Wed 21-Sep-16 12:35:13

I think you need to talk to her about her desire to get pissed. She is going to be around alcohol socially over the next few years (and probably already has been) whether or not you let her go to this party and so she needs to have a strategy in place to deal with it. Can you explain about limits and hangovers, what is a sensible amount and way to drink etc?

FreckledLeopard Wed 21-Sep-16 12:35:57

DD is fifteen and there is alcohol at the parties she goes to. She went to Reading Festival this year with her friends and they all managed to moderate their alcohol intake over the four days (DP and I were there too) so that none were too worse for wear and no-one was vomiting or wasted.

I trust DD to learn her limits and I don't object to her drinking from time to time. I certainly was at that age.

She is having a party in October and there will be alcohol at it.

I think you're being unreasonable in the circumstances, sorry.

Mittensonastring Wed 21-Sep-16 12:37:09

Be glad she told you there would be alcohol, that is a young person who has a decent parental relationship at this moment in time.

I was clubbing at that age and I mean all night raves with my older sister.

Thefishewife Wed 21-Sep-16 12:37:36

And op it's actually bollocks that children only talk to parents who let them do what the hell they like

Allow her to have a small drink with you with food

If she wants to lie and sneek about because you put your foot down about her going to a drinking party that is illegal because there all under 18 with zero supervision then you you may have to have a re think about how sensible she actually is

People saying oh yes my parents let me do what I wanted to I told them everything is not really impressive as you think

We're not there fucking friends and boundires and rules need to be in place

the only compromise in my view would be finding out if the child's parents are supervising and making it very clear you will be holding them respobilty if anything happens to your daughter

fishonabicycle Wed 21-Sep-16 12:38:10

My son is 15 and alcohol has appeared at parties. Some people have made themselves a bit ill. So at he has been sensible ... Ultimately I feel you can give them advice but you have to let them make their own choices sooner or later.

claraschu Wed 21-Sep-16 12:39:46

Unfortunately, if the parents don't allow alcohol, some of the kids will sneak it in anyway. I think it is good if the kids are honest about it. She has told you what is happening, which shows she trusts you. I would try to work out a compromise, such as picking her up at a certain time, so that she doesn't lie next time.

MiddleClassProblem Wed 21-Sep-16 12:43:45

I think there are better options than banning her.

Talk yo her, tell her about your experiences, discuss with her what it feels like and knowing your limits and peer pressure.

Talk to the parent of the party to find out about the booze. You might find out that it's only enough for a drink or two each.

Thefishewife Wed 21-Sep-16 12:43:54

You have huge resavations about this if you didn't you wouldn't be posting as I said if you do let her go it will be because other parents would let there's

classic example of peer pressure at work

Your and adult if you will bend to it will a 15 bend to having a drink because eveyone one else is doing it and you be a stick in the mud if you don't

Allibear Wed 21-Sep-16 12:45:25

She's being very honest with you and I think if you say no, from my experience, next time she'll just lie!
My parents provided me with alcohol for my first party and picked me up at the end of the night. It meant I only drank what they gave me and didn't get completely wasted, it worked really well for me and I've never got ridiculously drunk ever (I'm 19 now).

Thefishewife Wed 21-Sep-16 12:46:42

But why the fuck do parents feel it's ok to provide drink to children who are underage and not there fucking kids

If I had a party I would be supervising and would not be providing drink

Any one who was caught with one would be sent home I really don't care what other fucking parents are doing what are we 10 because others are irrasobile I must be to

Inyournightdress Wed 21-Sep-16 12:47:49

hmm

Scholes34 Wed 21-Sep-16 12:47:52

A child doesn't become a sensible adult overnight when they hit 18. When it comes to teens and alcohol, you've got to be realistic and work with them and acknowledge that they'll be in situations where alcohol is freely available. Your DD has to learn to take responsibility for her own actions. The problem with teens today is that they want to go from sober to tipsy as quickly as possible and don't quite grasp that downing vodka in quality will take them beyond the tipsy state quite quickly. I persuaded my kids that drinking beer (or cider) is a better option than spirits. As PPs have said, if you have a blanket ban, she'll find a way round it.

My DD told me a story of a friend of hers whose parents offered guests a drink of some nice vodka they'd bought in Russia. It tasted just like water, because it was. Friends of their teenager had drunk it and replaced it with water.

Rumtopf Wed 21-Sep-16 12:50:07

I think yabu.
If she's normally a sensible girl and makes good choices then I'd be inclined to let her go but reach a compromise of picking her up at midnight or whatever time the party is ending.
Talk to her candidly about your experiences and fears, explain your pov. Having a drink is one thing, becoming drunk and no longer responsible for yourself is another.

Researchingamove Wed 21-Sep-16 12:54:05

DD has had alcohol in our company over the last two years but only ever has a sip or two because she 'doesn't like the taste'. My concern is DD's hint at becoming intoxicated (despite saying she doesn't like alcohol) as her friends have said they will be drinking a lot and if they are already talking like that amongst themselves how on earth is one parent going to police that on the night?

Is becoming intoxicated part of learning your alcohol boundaries or do some people learn it without having to go that far?

Loaferloveforyou For me, this is different, because the choices DD makes on a regular basis don't put her into a position of such risk so this is new territory for both of us. I put myself into outrageously dangerous positions as a teen under the influence of alcohol and I paid for it greatly. I don't want that to happen to my daughter.

StillUnexpected Yes, there is a difference between drinking alcohol and being intoxicated. I don't trust anybody outright with the welfare of my child except DH and myself. Unreasonable? Maybe, but it's how I feel.

MyOwnPrivateIdaho We have begun to discuss alcohol safety but I think it's difficult for someone to take on board until they are actually in the position of having to check themselves.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Wed 21-Sep-16 12:57:10

Yabu.

MuseumOfCurry Wed 21-Sep-16 13:00:07

Good grief, I have a near-14 year old. Is this normal? I really can't imagine him drinking in a year.

I have no idea why parents would want to assume this enormous risk that has no upside. Why?

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