I've name changed for this.
Dh is trying some AA meetings.
He's struggled to control his alcohol intake for a number of years but for the past three or four he's largely been successful and we're very happy 98% of the time. He's never been a stumbling around drunk abuser of alcohol, isn't violent or aggressive, or emotionally abusive, holds down a good respectable job, parents our ds very well and soberly and is very loving and giving etc. On the face of it, no massive problems and I love him dearly.
But we are both realistic. He sometimes hides alcohol. For many weeks and months it won't happen, he's perfectly sober and there are none of the warning signs I've become accustomed to. Then, usually when we feel at our happiest, his moods will change, he becomes more impatient generally and I know he's doing it again and I'll confront him or I'll discover some hidden booze. He'll usually admit it, full of remorse, guilt and embarrassment. This happens maybe twice a year. He knows and fully admits it's not normal, he isn't in denial, he is trying desperately to do the right thing for himself and for our marriage. He went to a counsellor four years ago and things are so much better as a result. But he was discharged from the programme and he wonders whether he needs ongoing support from a professional.
He's currently trying a month completely without alcohol to see how he feels and whether it's possible. I think he's trying to decide if he needs to stop drinking completely or whether he is capable of drinking small amounts and controlling it. He is fully able to accept that he has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol but does not identify as an 'alcoholic'. He is aware that it's quite a big spectrum with a grey area.
So he's trying the AA meetings. The trouble is, he's surrounded by what he describes as hard core alcoholics - people who have beaten their partners, got into fights, reached for the bottle as soon as they wake, lost jobs, houses etc. He (and i) simply don't see him in the same league - though he is realistic about the dangers of it spiralling. He doesn't want to quit going to the meetings in the absence of other support. However he doesn't identify with anyone else there and feels increasingly isolated and unwilling to share. He is not convinced it is helping. He describes it as very cult like and he's very dubious about its success rate for people 'like him'. But he doesn't know where else to access support. He wants to engage in ongoing support, but doesn't know where to look for it outside of AA.
Our relationship is in a much healthier place now and we talk a lot - neither of us is underestimating the impact these episodes have on our lives when they happen. I don't want to leave him and he's not a bastard. He's got better, not worse, over time. But it still raises its head occasionally.
What are your experiences of AA? What's their success rate like? Do they only really cater for the 'hard core'? Is there anything else available that might suit him better? He won't disengage from AA until there's something else to turn to, but he's really beginning to feel quite low about being in the same box as people who have behaved appallingly due to alcohol.
AIBU?
To ask your opinions of Alcoholics Anonymous
Googlesmyfriend · 20/09/2016 12:48
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