...to be hurt and angry about my mother's reaction to my mc?

(50 Posts)
SoftMyrtle Tue 20-Sep-16 12:15:58

I got pregnant for the first time seven weeks ago, and last week I had a miscarriage. The mc started with an overnight bleed which ended up with me in hospital – after that we had to wait for a scan after the weekend to confirm what was going on, but we were pretty sure I’d lost it, which turned out to be the case. The day after the bleed I called my mum to tell her what had happened, and she was very sympathetic, saying, ‘Whatever we can do...’ etc etc. Later in the conversation we arranged to go to theirs for dinner the following evening, and I asked lightly whether Mum could make sure that if they served cheese it would be hard cheese and not soft, because even though we were fairly sure I’d miscarried I was going to go on obeying the pregnancy advice until it was completely confirmed, and not eating soft cheese was the thing I'd been struggling to get used to. She responded by saying no, ‘You don’t really want me not to serve soft cheese to everyone else [i.e. her, my dad and my husband], do you?’ and basically laughed and told me not to be so silly. At that point I said, 'Yes, I do want that, please,' (less lightly) and then when she only laughed I said, ‘But wait a minute, you just said if there was anything you could do...?!’ and she refused again.

I realise this sounds absurd (and obviously I am feeling particularly vulnerable and volatile right now) but it’s the symbolic value of it that’s really got to me – that, having offered help, when I asked for a tiny gesture of support to show that they understood and supported me (us), she dismissed it out of hand and implied that I was childish and selfish for asking. I didn’t want to sit at the table having to think about why I wasn’t supposed to eat soft cheese, and how actually I probably could have done anyway... I know I am very prone to anger right now, but I feel really hurt and furious that she offered sympathy and then wasn’t prepared to make any concession at all to my feelings when I asked for something specific that didn’t tally with what she wanted.

I should probably add that she had a mc before my older sister was born, which she was pretty cut up about, but obviously went on to have two of us (and told me that things would go better next time round). And generally we have a fairly good relationship, although she does rather subscribe to the I-love-you-so-much-how-dare-you-criticise-my-behaviour?! school of thought.

Any thoughts?

Hoppinggreen Tue 20-Sep-16 12:19:00

I'm very sorry for your loss
I do think you are angry and believe me I totally understand but you are directing it wrongly. Your mum making something with soft cheese in for other people to eat will not make a scrap of difference to your situation at all. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but it is true.
If she's generally unsupportive and insensitive then I can see where you are coming from but this really doesn't sound like a big deal at all.

ralphi Tue 20-Sep-16 12:21:05

YANBU you are hurt, and it has been a terrible time for you. I cannot imagine a menu or dish where soft cheese has to play such a central role or why it is silly to not serve soft cheese. Even if she serves a cheese board, surely she can dispense of the soft ones? She is being very unhelpful and I hope you told her where to stick her dinner (and her cheese, soft or not!)

Izzabellasasperella Tue 20-Sep-16 12:24:41

No I'm with the op with this one. She asked her Mum for one tiny thing and her Mum laughed and refused? I'd be hurt and upset too. flowers for you op

NavyandWhite Tue 20-Sep-16 12:31:46

In this instance your mum was insensitive. Even if she thought you were being unreasonable to ask given your sad circumstance she could have just said " of course ".

Scarydinosaurs Tue 20-Sep-16 12:32:23

It's a sad reaction to an easy request. I'm sorry your mum has been so uncaring towards you, it wasn't as if you were asking for much.

MrsBernardBlack Tue 20-Sep-16 12:35:07

It was wrong of your mum to treat you like she did, when you are feeling so raw and sad. However, I think YAB a bit U to expect everyone ale to give up the opportunity to eat soft cheese, just because you can't.

parisgellar Tue 20-Sep-16 12:35:11

sad OP flowers so so sorry for your loss. And yanbu, your mother was awful sad

MrsBernardBlack Tue 20-Sep-16 12:35:32

*everyone else

Catsick36 Tue 20-Sep-16 12:36:02

It's a tiny thing she could do to make you feel better and she won't do it for you!????!!!??? I'd be inclined to not go and tell her exactly why. Bitch.

Catsick36 Tue 20-Sep-16 12:36:28

Oh and hugs for you

tofutti Tue 20-Sep-16 12:42:20

It's not nice for her to laugh and call you silly. Are you generally understanding of their eating likes and dislikes? Just trying to understand why she responded this way.

Pineapplemilkshake Tue 20-Sep-16 12:43:20

Sorry for your loss, but I don't understand why you didn't want anyone else to eat soft cheese either?

bemybebe Tue 20-Sep-16 12:45:30

"Bitch"? Nice way to address a person that OP calls her "mum".

mouldycheesefan Tue 20-Sep-16 12:47:46

💐
Requesting that soft cheese not be served in your presence is very bizarre. However you have been through a trauma and your mum was unkind to laugh at your request. Perhaps it was a bit soon to be going out for dinner.
By the way there are lots of soft cheeses you can eat when pg.

MargaretCavendish Tue 20-Sep-16 12:48:12

I am so sorry for what you're going through. I think your mother could have been much, much more sensitive but I do also think that she was almost certainly being thoughtless not nasty. The symbolism of it is obvious to you, but I think it wasn't to her. It's clear that to you soft cheese symbolises pregnancy, but that's not necessarily obvious without explaining. Basically I understand why you were hurt by this but if she's otherwise supportive don't lose that at a time where you need it.

bemybebe Tue 20-Sep-16 12:49:16

I am very sorry for your loss OP!! That said I think YR both B teeny tiny bit U. It is a small deal to follow your request, although I also cannot understand the harm of others being served soft cheese. Hugs.

mouldycheesefan Tue 20-Sep-16 12:49:28

Just to add, your mother was not unsympathetic to your miscarriage she was unsympathetic to your cheese request.
Cut her some slack it's hard to say the right thing in these cases.💐

SoftMyrtle Tue 20-Sep-16 12:52:41

I know what you mean, it was childish in a way - just that I didn't want her to serve something that I'd want and have to turn down for a reason that probably didn't apply any more, and if she didn't serve it at all I wouldn't have to think about it... Maybe the childishness was part of it, too, that I wanted the comfort of being looked after and made a fuss of...? I guess the issue for me is that, in the circumstances, I would've expected her to realise it wasn't actually about cheese, and to make allowances - especially given she'd offered 'anything she could do' - and she didn't.

Thank you all for your kind words, and I do get why it might be a bit U... ;)

Comejointhemurder Tue 20-Sep-16 12:56:05

You were irrational but she could have gone along with it.

ProseccoBitch Tue 20-Sep-16 12:57:07

I'm sorry OP. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I can only think she'd already made or bought something that featured soft cheese already? Although if so she should have explained that. If not then she's being very insensitive.

It really wouldn't have killed her mother to just not serve soft cheese on this one occasion when her dd is feeling understandably fragile. It's not like she gave her a huge list of tricky to avoid foods that would make catering difficult. It's soft cheese, not a demand that she whips up a vegan wheat free meal.

PGPsabitch Tue 20-Sep-16 13:02:01

I think she was insensitive. Grief and trauma make people upset and your request especially given the reasoning behind it was not unreasonable. The laughing was out of order I'm given the shit place you were in.

When I miscarried, we found out baby had died and I was desperate for a glass of wine that night as was dh. Since I was having an operation I couldn't drink the day before and dh was absolutely fine to wait until after. It may not have been the most reasonable want I had but dh knew and understood how bad a place I was in.

I'm so sorry for your loss flowers.

Atenco Tue 20-Sep-16 13:04:07

Now that you have explained, I can understand your point OP, but your mother didn't understand at that moment. Sometimes it is hard to mind read.

KurriKurri Tue 20-Sep-16 13:04:58

Well I am a mum of a grown up DD. If she was upset as you are and asked me not to serve soft cheese. I would give it a moments thought, I would not serve. Doesn't matter whether your reasons are logical or not - you are sensitive and recovering from a sad event, on this occasion you do get to say 'no soft cheese please' As you say - it's not about the cheese.

I mean it is soft cheese vs. upsetting your DD. It's a no brainer surely ?

I would wrap you up in my arms and let you cry. When something sad happens, however grown up you are, you need your Mum unreservedly there for you.
That's not hard - it's instinctive.

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