I know this is bu. but do you feel sad if your child is not invited to a party?

(219 Posts)
LardLizard Mon 19-Sep-16 20:11:43

I know it's a bit pathetic really, but feel sorry for my nine tear old not invited to her friends party

I've tried to brush it off to dd, and said, oh well, maybe she's only allowed a certain number of children or something
And that you can't always go to everything
And that you can still be friends and still play together

But I think she feels pretty sad, maybe a realisation that this friend doesn't think of my dd as that much of a friend

I've suggested perhaps we do something nice on that particular day

Any other ideas how to help my dd feel less sad

I wouldn't ever actually do this, but I feel like not bothering to chat to the mum anymore

RedSauceAndJellyJuice Mon 19-Sep-16 20:14:41

I can understand that , I wouldn't want to speak to her but children are fickle . Do something nice with her and just enjoy her company

HumphreyCobblers Mon 19-Sep-16 20:15:18

I really struggle with this too. Much more so than my dc do, they just don't think anything of it.

I have felt bad in the past when I have insisted my ds invite someone to their party because I am friends with the parents and then they don't reciprocate by inviting my dc - which is a ridiculous way to think!

I try to get over myself and I always manage to remain positive to the kids.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Mon 19-Sep-16 20:17:57

Make sure you ask the mother if the child had a nice party. She will feel shit for sure.

mumsnit Mon 19-Sep-16 20:20:49

flowers I'm always amazed at how much it affects me when I see my DD isn't invited to a party!

Yes a good tactic to get her excited about something you'll do together instead so she doesn't dwell on it too much. You sound like you're great about managing her expectations around friendships.

I also struggle with my own feelings about the parent - especially when it's just my dd that wasn't invited as it does feel harsh.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Mon 19-Sep-16 20:21:32

My dd was the only girl not invited to a party in reception. Yes I was very peeved. Who wouldn't be. I never looked at the mother again. She'd try and let on and I'd look the other way.

Blondieblondie Mon 19-Sep-16 20:24:01

No advice, but yes, it's heartbreaking and my DS is 11. A lot of his friends mums are in a FB group that I'm not in, so they arrange things through that, not necessarily parties. He quite often gets invited sort of last minute, but occasionally not, and even when he gets the last minute invite I worry about how he'd feel if he hadn't! Part of me can't wait til he's big enough to make his own plans sadblush

WhooooAmI24601 Mon 19-Sep-16 20:25:23

I struggle hugely with this. Not because I'm pushy, more because I understand how hard DS1 has to work to find and maintain friendships (he has ASD) and how hurt he feels when he's left out.

The rational part of my brain knows that actually, you can't always be popular and that he's happy and has friends. But it's harder now that DS2 is at school and is very much one of the popular ones who gets invited everywhere. We just try and balance it with fun stuff here.

JudgeEpantz Mon 19-Sep-16 20:26:40

Going through this a bit. Planning something fab (don't know what yet). It aches and you can't show it.

Yes dd2 (8) has this the most frequently out of all mine.
Most of all with a certain friend who was the one person she chose for a birthday day out treat to a theme park, friend came had a good time then proceeded to tell us about her birthday party the week before which dd hadn't been invited to!
Think that's a bit of a front from the parents though as the theme park invite was before her invites would v gone out.
Felt v sad for her thensad

ManicM Mon 19-Sep-16 20:29:03

I feel bad. Mine is only little and he saw the other kids getting invites and presumed he had one. Breaks my heart but they are the ones missing out. I just get extra time with him.

LaContessaDiPlump Mon 19-Sep-16 20:31:23

I got a text this weekend asking if DS was 'going to the party today'.

He was not. It was the first I'd heard of it sad

Made me feel shit (obv I didn't tell him about it) but what can you do?

Shezza71 Mon 19-Sep-16 20:31:24

I remember my dd rushing out of nursery school all excited with her first party invite, tearing it open and asking me to read it. The name inside wasn't hers! I handed it back to the mother the following day saying the teachers made a mistake, hoping she would extend an invite to dd, she just smiled and thanked me. Absolutely heartbreaking

kittymamma Mon 19-Sep-16 20:31:39

It is a little upsetting. Last year (1 month into reception class) one girl in my DD class handed out invites to all her friends (that were also my DD's friends) and made a big show out of my DD not being invited in front of all her friends (and their parents), she announced "You're not invited because I don't like you". My DD was obviously very upset and my DH (who witnessed it, I was at work) gave the child's mother a death stare and after the mother failed to suitably die in shame and just stood there, my DH told DD not to worry, we were off to the fair that day anyway which would be much more fun.

Since then we have had a couple that she hasn't been invited to, and it upsets me more than her because I worry she may have the same problems making friends that I do and unfortunately I lack the skills to help her. None have been quite so bad as the first one though.

Nachobowl Mon 19-Sep-16 20:31:46

I always feel the same but do remind them that when we've had parties we haven't been able to invite everyone etc etc

I often try and arrange a family day out/dinner somewhere fun or if it's a day when DC have sports/dance lessons I remind them that they'll be having fun with their out of school friends smileflowerscake

TeenAndTween Mon 19-Sep-16 20:32:38

YANBU. DD got invited to at most 4 celebrations/parties in the whole of juniors (once whole class parties had stopped). She got on fine with the others but didn't make the cut once parties were down to 4 or 5 children only. Her best friend didn't have parties sadly.

stealthsquiggle Mon 19-Sep-16 20:37:28

Heartbroken, every time althouch obviously I don't let the DC see .

It's one of the reasons that I always used to do whole class parties. Until this year.

OP, on the extreme offchance that it is my DD's birthday that your 9yo isn't invited to, it really is only 9 of them invited, and I really can't afford to take any more, and I feel horrible about it.

JellyBelli Mon 19-Sep-16 20:39:50

Yas thats sad, I'd give her a treat. Go to the cinema or something.

Icequeen01 Mon 19-Sep-16 20:43:02

My DS was in year 5 when a girl in his class asked if she could hand out her party invitations to the children as they left for the day. Everyone in the class got one apart from my DS. She apparently said to him 'you don't think you are getting one do you?'. My DS told me about it that evening and pretended he thought it was funny. I was heartbroken for him. He's nearly 17 now but occasionally he will mention it. He's not a very confident boy socially and I know that one event really affected him.

PrincessHairyMclary Mon 19-Sep-16 20:51:12

DD handed out some invites today and I felt terrible for one of the girls who thought she was going to get one but didn't.

We can only invite 15 for the activity so Dd choose 10 school friends and 5 out of school friends. We always take some multipacks of Haribo etc for the class but it's really not the same and 6 year olds really don't understand when you try to explain about number of people you can invite.

Wellywife Mon 19-Sep-16 20:58:09

It's awful when this happens. The same thing happened to DD a few times early on in secondary school. She was in a friendship group of 4 and one of them seemed to enjoy excluding her. She'd also have sleepovers for three of them and exclude DD.

The plus point is that it made DD expand her horizons and she now spends time with three different groups and is much happier.

Icequeen that's awful. It is the sort of thing that stays with you unfortunately. I told my two that as you go through life you spend more time with like minded people so things get easier.

QuackDuckQuack Mon 19-Sep-16 21:03:31

My 5 yo asked a parent why she wasn't invited to their DC's party. I wasn't there, but apparently the parent was mortified and made something up. To be fair to the parent, it wasn't a party I'd have expected DD to be invited to. But clearly the direct approach can be quite a shock to a parent.

We haven't got to the stage of small parties yet, but I am not looking forward to it.

phijean Mon 19-Sep-16 21:10:30

YANBU. I remember when this happened to DD when she was 6, all the kids from her friendship group were invited to one of the girl's parties except her, when she told me I could hear her little voice breaking as she tried to hold back the tears and I wanted to cry sad I didn't though and explained that is just life and we would do something special , she soon got over it, although the petty side of me that still remembers how sad she was makes me want to exclude said girl from my DD next birthday if I do anything , I will try to be rational if she does want her there though.

butterfly990 Mon 19-Sep-16 21:19:16

We once had a party with all the boys from the class invited. One of the boys didn't get invited as he was new and I didn't know about him. I felt really bad about it.

It doesn't sound in your case that this was the issue.

kittymamma Mon 19-Sep-16 21:22:02

You are a better person than I am phijean, I refused to allow that little girl who upset my daughter in such a cruel and deliberate manner to come to her party, even though they had then made friends. My DD's party was excellent, she had specifically asked for a particular type of party (farm with animal encounters) that was more expensive per head than other places, I had relented (as she had asked for it the year before and I'd said no) but I had to put a strict limit of 9 friends only so I could afford it. All the kids had a great day, as did the parents who all thanked me and said they would definitely be returning for family day outs.

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