AIBU to want to warn her?

(35 Posts)
sugarskullz Mon 19-Sep-16 17:18:15

I lived with a violent and abusive man for 14 years. Over the years he was both physically and mentally abusive, he broke my nose, knocked me out on several occasions, wound a studded belt around his hand and punched me repeatedly in the face, strangled me, smashed the windscreen of my car with me and my daughter in it showering us with glass, punched me almost every day and was mentally abusive too.

I tried to leave on many occasions, he hunted me down, blackmailed me and even climbed through a friends upstairs window to get at me. He would frequently lock me in the house or disable my car to stop me escaping. In short he made my life a living hell as he blackmailed me if I escaped he would hurt people close to me, abduct my daughter and kill me.

Eventually one day he barricaded me in the house and told me he was going to kill me. He repeatedly hit me across the head with a piece of wood and I felt myself starting to lose consciousness. My daughter who had been out heard my screams and managed to get her hand through the cat flap and unlock the back door. I managed to flee to a neighbours house who called the police. He was arrested and sent to a bail hostel whilst waiting trial, but eventually he was only charged with ABH. He was convicted and locked up.

By the time he was out I had met another man who would never dream of laying a finger on me. This all happened several years ago. Unfortunately I still see my ex as he is my daughters dad.

He has now met another woman and is talking about moving in with her. She has young children and grandchildren around and has no idea what she is getting into. I really feel she deserves to know but this has now led to a massive fall out with my daughter who has now decided to disown me and my new partner and stop us from seeing our grandchildren.

My heart is shattered into a thousand pieces. I haven’t even told this new woman anything but my daughter is being so evil towards me for even considering doing it. I feel torn between wanting to do the right thing in my mind, and keeping my nose out and risking the consequences.

AIBU to think she deserves to know what this man is capable of?

Spurtle Mon 19-Sep-16 17:20:30

Of course she needs to know. She might not want to listen to you, but if he badly hurt her or worse, you wouldn't forgive yourself if you hadn't tried.

Soubriquet Mon 19-Sep-16 17:21:55

You can try

Whether he manages to spin it to bitter ex is probably a given and she might not believe you

HereIAm20 Mon 19-Sep-16 17:24:18

I'm not sure I understand why your daughter is so against you telling her. Does she truly believe her dad is a reformed character and should have a fresh start or does she not believe it happened or was as bad as you say?

In any event his new partner may not believe you or believe its sour grapes.

willconcern Mon 19-Sep-16 17:27:47

Personally, I would try to tell her. Maybe write a letter. She may or may not listen, but at least you will have tried.

Why doesn't your DD want you to tell this woman?

DeathStare Mon 19-Sep-16 17:29:17

I'd tell social services. Let them decide whether he's a risk or not.

sugarskullz Mon 19-Sep-16 17:30:17

I really don't understand my daughters motivation either. She knows I am not making it up as she witnessed a lot of it. The reformed character thing, well maybe, I really don't know. I understand he is her dad and she has some loyalty to him, it just appears she has none whatsoever to me.

As for the vengeful ex thing, yes it probably does look like that. But somewhere in the back of my mind, the "what ifs" are screaming at me to tell her.

Lunchboxlewiswillyoumarryme Mon 19-Sep-16 17:31:08

Contact the police...explain what you have told us....it then becomes the polices problem not yours.and how ,if they deal with it is up to them....you could also do an anonymous call to childline...that way you have done yr bit

Waltermittythesequel Mon 19-Sep-16 17:31:31

Your dd's behaviour seems very odd.

But a while ago there was a thread by a poster who was justifiably very angry with her mother for staying in an abusive relationship, so this might be about more than just you telling the truth.

Wrt telling her: you can warn her, I think. But I don't know if it'll do any good. If someone had warned you at the start, would you have listened??

FriendofBill Mon 19-Sep-16 17:31:33

It's something that happened to you, and your truth to tell as you wish.

Might be wise to do it via SS as pp suggests. Arms length.

Lunchboxlewiswillyoumarryme Mon 19-Sep-16 17:33:57

As for yr daughter,don't mention the subject again....it's obviously setting her off...having witnessed a lot of violence in her life ,that could well mean she she's it as normal,or at least not as horrific as the rest of us do...I'm Amazed the courts allowed him access to her bizarre

Purplebluebird Mon 19-Sep-16 17:35:53

Please tell the police and social services, I wouldn't get involved any more than that - but at least you have told someone who has the power to intervene. What an awful man. [

carefreeeee Mon 19-Sep-16 17:36:28

I am probably naive but after what you've described I'm surprised he didn't get charged with more than ABH

Aren't you worried he will come and get you again?

I think you should tell police but not get involved yourself.

pluck Mon 19-Sep-16 17:36:36

Perhaps your daughter feels guilty for seeing her father - as though she condones what he did to you?

I know that wasn't the question you asked, but if it's the thing stopping you from taking this step, put it to one side, as it's a different question entirely, and not one your daughter ought to be involved with.

sugarskullz Mon 19-Sep-16 17:45:20

Thank you for all your replies, you have all been very helpful.

The ABH charge was because the court could not reveal or take into account any of the previous counts, he was on trial for that one offence alone. He also entered a plea bargain in that he would plead guilty if the other charge of criminal damage was dropped.

I feel guilty every single day for what I put my daughter through and the violence she witnessed. I can't turn the clock back and put things right.

I can however prevent other children from going through this. Thanks again x

Enidblyton1 Mon 19-Sep-16 17:46:05

Poor you, what a horrible situation. I agree with others that it would be better if the Police could inform his new partner, rather than you. But I'm not sure how that works - do people have the right to keep their past convictions a secret??!
In telling her directly, you have the possibility that she won't believe you/think you are the crazy ex and also you have the additional issue with your daughter.
I know someone who was killed by her partner and she had no idea that he had attempted to murder his previous partner. So I agree with you that you should find a way to let his new partner know about his past. Good luck flowers

LittleBeautyBelle Mon 19-Sep-16 17:48:28

I know it's become a MN cliche, but I would show your daughter this thread including your original post if you're determined to tell your ex's new partner his abusive history. Your daughter is totally against you doing so even though she knows all about his history?

Perhaps your daughter believes her father is a good person now, or that he is trying at least, and that he loves her. Your daughter may just in the last couple of years has finally felt like she had a stable happy life at peace with her parents and now that her dad has 2nd chance to be a good partner to someone, she's upset that you are determined to bring up his past and destroy his new relationship.

trafalgargal Mon 19-Sep-16 17:52:37

Your daughter is probably aware that if you try to interfere with his new relationship he might get violent with you .......or even with her.

AyeAmarok Mon 19-Sep-16 17:52:47

I think you should tell her. Even just so she knows that if there is something that happens and she wants to go to the police, she might feel more able to do it if she knows there's a history and that she'll be believed.

Waltermittythesequel Mon 19-Sep-16 17:55:32

Yes, there's a chance she feels that this woman is keeping him from being violent?

It's a complex situation and there are lots of potential reasons for how she's behaving.

The best thing to do would be to go through a third party and wash your hands of it. There's only so much you can do.

dowhatnow Mon 19-Sep-16 17:59:44

Aye makes a good point. Approach it with a "I don't suppose you'll believe me but I just wanted to say so that if anything happens to you, you know that there is history and it might give you the strength to get out sooner than I did"

skyyequake Mon 19-Sep-16 18:09:43

If there are small children involved I would tell SS.

I would avoid telling her directly, purely because if he found out it could set him off and he could come after you. Or go after your daughter to hurt you.

MrsBernardBlack Mon 19-Sep-16 18:12:14

Is there anyway you could approach other family members of the new woman? They might be a bit more prepared to listen.

ShebaShimmyShake Mon 19-Sep-16 18:12:15

Yes. Tell her and get court records to prove it as he's likely painted you as the crazy lying ex.

Hedgesinthewind Mon 19-Sep-16 18:17:42

Your violent ex is (unfortunately) your DD's father. It's complicated.

If you feel you can't undermine your DD any more than her father has already undermined her life, could you ask a family member or friend - or the local police - to warn this woman? She needs to be warned, although I doubt she'll listen. But for your peace of mind, (well if it were me) I think you need to warn this next woman.

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