What would you think of this man? Aibu to want to scratch his eyes out

(39 Posts)
Fuckyourmoney Mon 19-Sep-16 16:11:02

NC for this. Need to get it out without it being linked to my main name.

I have rotten PMS and am incandescent with rage. I just have to get it out of my system

My ex has a new family. He is a lazy bastard and a perpetual student, always dropping and changing courses even though he is in his thirties now. I'm still not sure he has actually completed a degree. He lives off family money and has a fantastic life. Private school for the children. Big house. New cars. Multiple holidays a year to all corners of the world. People think he's GREAT and that he and his wife have this perfect family. She is a SAHM and also from a wealthy family, her father gave her an allowance the last I heard.

Here's the thing. My ex has a child he hasn't seen in years- the child he had with me. He hasn't paid a penny towards DC nor acknowledged them in any way. He is on the birth certificate and did have contact until they started to speak for themselves toddlerhood. He has no interest in DC but as he is from a prominent family in the local area, I hear things through the grapevine.

Getting pregnant really knocked my life off course. I adore DC, but I am not going to be coy about that- it is what it is and I have no regrets. However it was hard. We were poor and we are not fantastically well off now. I work two jobs and we do ok. We have a good, happy, fulfilling life.

However every now and then......fuck, I could kill him. Two reasons. Firstly, my DC is very intelligent and has a real talent in a certain area. I will obviously nurture this as far as I am able, but my ex's new family will have everything handed to them on a plate. They will have all the opportunities I can't give DC. I work so damn hard for the basics, yet my ex lives a life of Riley by sponging off others.

People think he and his family are great, and I have been portrayed as the typical evil ex. He was an abusive, rapey bastard to me and if you saw pils you would see the apple doesn't fall far from the tree

Yes it does gall me that he treated me so badly and got away with it. Yes I am resentful of the charmed life he has, but if this only affected me, I would stick on my back pack, ditch my job, and fuck off on a one way ticket RTW to do charity work

It's DC. DC missing out on a charmed lifestyle that I can't give them. DC who will be one step behind because let's face it, poor kids always are. I don't give a shit about big houses and cars for myself, but we live in an affluent area and I see how those kids have it easier. So my DC has to suffer because my ex is a cunt?

Fuck. I don't know. Sorry. I wish I didn't feel this furious. I'm not a bitter person really

CheekyMcgee Mon 19-Sep-16 16:14:19

You can give your children love. Real genuine love. Something your ex could never do. That in itself is priceless.

DesignedForLife Mon 19-Sep-16 16:16:52

Or on the flip side you DC misses out on becoming a selfish arrogant dick because they've got a loving mother who shows them how to work hard and achieve what they want in life.

Ignore your ex. Let him be a twat. Focus on the joy or your child and the opportunities before them.

Fuckyourmoney Mon 19-Sep-16 16:17:33

Part of this is because money for extracurriculars is due in this week and it's a stretch to afford it.

I feel like my DC is missing out on everything. Nuclear family, siblings, a whole extended family who want nothing to do with us,real financial security.

I've saved enough money over the years for a banger of a car and a few months worth of driving lessons once they are old enough. I saved pennies in jars and got them changed at the bank. I'm proud of that

temporarilyjerry Mon 19-Sep-16 16:17:47

YANBU to be angry at the injustice.

YABU to allow him to get away with not paying for his DC.

Catsize Mon 19-Sep-16 16:19:26

When you say 'family money', is it via his new family? Bit confused otherwise as to how he had no money with you but now has lots. Still galling. Sorry OP.

Rumpelstiltskin143 Mon 19-Sep-16 16:21:37

I presume he pays child support?

Fuckyourmoney Mon 19-Sep-16 16:21:51

I know. I know you are right.

I just love DC so much and I feel they deserve everything good in life, the best I can give them.

Most of the time I don't care, and tbh I feel sorry for the wife.

But how dare he treat my child like that? And people think he is great - he fucked over a small child and for all he knows, anything could have happened to DC- funny how I'm apparently such a twisted bitch yet he's ok leaving his child in my care

Viiolettheorgangrinder Mon 19-Sep-16 16:23:18

Just be proud of the fact that you work really hard and don't have to rely on family. Feel sorry for them. It's pretty embarrassing having to rely on family when you're in your 30s.

TheWitTank Mon 19-Sep-16 16:26:22

Does he pay any child support at all?

flippinada Mon 19-Sep-16 16:27:04

temporarily are you aware how easy it is for NRPs to get away with paying if they don't want to? I am because I've tried. And CSA/CMEC (I run that's their new name) aren't fit for purpose.

MoonStar07 Mon 19-Sep-16 16:27:40

Firstly you are amazing and doing a fantastic job at being a loving and caring mother. Your ex sounds a total dick. Secondly is he paying child maintenance? Finally I think your DC are a million times better off being 'poor' I say that in inverted commas because they are not poor in love or security. YANBU to be galled but I think you know deep in your heart you will give your child more than he could ever give his children based on the fact you are a loving mother xx

TinklyLittleLaugh Mon 19-Sep-16 16:27:43

But why would you want your child to spend time with an abusive rapist? You sound like you are doing a great job. You are giving your child something much better than money. I bet your child will grow up a better person than the kids raised by your ex.

flippinada Mon 19-Sep-16 16:27:59

I run? I think.

NewPotatoes Mon 19-Sep-16 16:28:43

Of course yanbu to want to rip his arms off. But can you pursue him for child support if he doesn't currently pay? Or for more if he does to cover the cost of the classes of whatever your child us gifted in?

Fuckyourmoney Mon 19-Sep-16 16:29:02

I never lived with him properly- we were students in halls then I moved in with my parents for a bit when I had DC . He sponged off me a lot - I had child benefit while he was a poor student

He fucked up his final year and was left an inheritance just in time. Once he got that, I didn't see him for dust. Then he married into more money.

I have got csa involved in the past, they couldn't do much for a variety of reasons, like I said he's either been a student or unemployed and I told them he had money, but he's secured it in some way that they can't get at it. I've given up now

Fuckyourmoney Mon 19-Sep-16 16:31:10

And no, I wouldn't want DC near him

I just want to rip him to bits for having things so easy

flippinada Mon 19-Sep-16 16:31:14

I hear you OP. I think you'd have to be a saint not to feel angry and pissed off flowers.

IamWendy Mon 19-Sep-16 16:32:30

Do you need to live in the 'affluent' area? I read once that living among those who on the whole have more than you makes for an unhappy life. You can never stop feeling like 'one of them' but the one who never gets anything. It makes you bitter.
Maybe find a nice area with strong community ethics and be happy among your own people, as it were.
And yeah, fuck him BIG TIME!!!

LittleBeautyBelle Mon 19-Sep-16 16:36:29

You are angry about the injustice and I don't blame you.

The child is his so that means he needs to be paying child support. Doesn't matter that you didn't live with him or whatever. The child is his. Demand a court do a paternity test and make him pay child support.

Other than financial support, it may be best that he doesn't have much to do with dc because of what a jerk he is. Continue to love your dc and nurture him. Try not to dwell to much on the injustice (I know that's hard!) except to go to the courts or a lawyer and get the ball rolling on the paternity test and child support payments.

There is absolutely something you can do once you prove the child's paternity. He will have to own up to his responsibility.

HerOtherHalf Mon 19-Sep-16 16:40:29

Forget he exists and move on. All this bitterness, whilst understandable, is achieving nothing other than to fill you full of negativity.

TwoTwentyGowerRoad Mon 19-Sep-16 16:40:49

Read the thread current on here about karma OP. It might take awhile to come around but he sounds as shallow as a side plate so it will, given time.

Fuckyourmoney Mon 19-Sep-16 16:44:27

I have thought of moving, but I picked this place because of the good schools. It's a nice area, and I'm very lucky to have a wonderful landlady who will let us stay for years. We've made loads of friends, and though some of them drive cars that could pay my rent for a year, it honestly doesn't matter. I was never raised to count on material things- without boring you all with long explanation (family's religious views) it's just not the way I think. But when it comes to DC it's different - for the first time I've wanted money for things - pianos, music lessons, and birthday parties, and school shoes that last. Just for it not to be such a struggle, when the human being who should share half the responsibility is not only getting away with doing fuck all, but has in the past made me out to be a good for nothing, nasty bitch

LittleBeautyBelle Mon 19-Sep-16 16:45:08

Meant to add I would feel the same way as you do. Your anger is justified! And don't move out of the affluent area. You and your dc deserve to be there as much as anybody else and if you feel that is the right place to live, so be it. Call a lawyer, get the ball rolling, it can be done. I'm in the US, so not sure what you're talking about with the csa. But the fact remains, the child is his. Lawfully, he must help with child care and support.

madgerussell1920 Mon 19-Sep-16 16:48:06

The new Child Maintenance Service (CMS) is much more efficient than the CSA.
I have custody of a grandson and have never in 10 years got anything through the CSA. Nothing but excuses. Basically they were totally inefficient.
Yes CMS take a small percentage of what I receive but I am happy to pay this if it means I get maintenance.
I also had the problem that the parent was denying paternity and CSA couldn't get a DNA test done. CMS told parent that if it wasn't done within a short timescale then they would assume paternity and proceed anyway.
They assessed the amount I receive which is obviously based on parent's income.
The parent pays into my bank account monthly but if they miss one payment I can contact CMS ; the money will then be deducted from their wages at source and they will have to pay 20% extra to cover the costs.
I can't believe how quickly they managed to find the parent (CSA never could and kept asking me to drop the case as they couldn't find the parent) and set this up.
The CMS is gradually taking over CSA cases and will eventually replace them completely but have no idea of the timescale.
I would urge anyone having problems with maintenance to sign up with the CSA.
When they contacted me and asked me if I wanted to drop the CSA case or pay £20 to transfer it to CMS I almost told them I would drop it as I expected them to be no better than CSA.
So glad I didn't.

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